I’m afraid I’ve recently become aware of some horrible news. This news isn’t actually real, but is instead hypothetical. In other words, it’s credible enough to make the #2 spot on any CNN bulletin. As I press two fingers to my ear – this in an attempt to hear some transmission that doesn’t actually exist, because I’m not actually on television – I can now report to you in an urgent yet clear tone of voice that a new type of flu has emerged: rumor flu.
Our species has previously dealt with swine flu, which comes from pigs, and bird flu, which if I understand correctly comes from giraffes; now it’s rumor flu, which comes from the rare but real rumor mammal – not many people have seen it but it looks a bit like an exploded squirrel which has been sutured back together in the shape of a fish. For sustenance the rumor mammal eats pages from only the most accurate publications like the New York Post, the National Enquirer, and the Sun. Moreover, it poops lies. I took a microphone outside, walked around blindfolded for a bit, and bumped into a rumor mammal. Lowering the microphone to its mouth and hitting record on my tape deck, this is what I learned:
- While in past weeks the rumor mill has placed emphasis on the Yankees’ search for a starting pitcher, reports that the Yankees are looking at Ben Zobrist are intensifying. The acquisition of Zobrist, who is widely considered to be good at baseball, would be an attempt to fix the team’s problems at second base. That position is presently occupied by Stephen Drew, who is widely considered to be bad at baseball. Drew has hit eleven home runs this year though, which is enough to confuse the think tank that is the WFAN booth into believing Drew is a player of value. Zobrist, who has forged a 122 wRC+ this season despite a knee injury, would unquestionably strengthen the side as we enter the second half of the season.
- While Zobrist’s name has been the focus as of late, the rotation talk hasn’t died down entirely – there are still suggestions the Yankees have interest in Johnny Cueto and Cole Hamels, but recent discussions have apparently centered on Jeff Samardzija and Clay Buchholz.
- Alex Rodriguez is disappointed that he will miss the All-Star game. "I’m obviously disappointed," Rodriguez said, which is how we know he’s disappointed. He went on to say that he’ll rest on his time off. This is a good idea. The rest will likely help his good form, and he may need more time off as we near the end of the season (assuming he wants to be in fighting shape come the postseason – maybe he wants to do horribly; I don’t presume to know).
- While Ned Yost was busy explaining why he didn’t choose Rodriguez for the American League All-Star squad, Cal Ripken Jr. said that Rodriguez should have been an All-Star.
- Two years after advising Alex Rodriguez that he would "go down as the biggest sports embarrassment of all time," humanity’s own Donald Trump had nicer words for him at a charity golf event on Monday, telling Rodriguez, "You're doing a hell of a job." Hank Steinbrenner, who was at the same golf event, also praised Rodriguez.
- In critical Derek Jeter news, FOX Sports recently took the time to use Jeter as an excuse to post pictures from Hannah Davis’ Instagram.
- In much more respectable news, French shortstop Melissa Mayeux identified Derek Jeter as her favorite player and said she hoped Jeter would visit her academy in Toulouse. She also noted that she had read this great roundtable chaired by Pinstripe Alley’s own Tanya Bondurant, which you should read too (in the event you haven’t already).
- If we’re to pick a quote of the week, and we aren’t, we’re giving it to Andrew Miller who, in what can only be described as a hydrogen bomb-like display of self-confidence, said to the press: "The team as a whole certainly hasn't missed me."
- Jonah Keri has likened Alex Rodriguez to Ric Flair – I always figured Rodriguez was part Shawn Michaels, part Val Venis, but alright.
- Finally, Deadspin assembled a collection of astonishingly bad Chuck Knoblauch tweets. Said the forty-seven-year-old perpetrator of domestic violence to one of his critics: "Are you old enough to pee?" This follows hot on the heels of Knoblauch getting salty about the Yankees retiring Andy Pettitte’s number, which only serves to further demonstrate the already evident: it sure is easier to like a person when they’re not a horrible jerk.
Do you have rumors and gossip of your own? We’d love it if you posted in the comments. Speak them loudly before the rumor flu consumes you!