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The 2023 Yankees as a presidential cabinet

If the Yankees suddenly had to fill in as the U.S. government, who would get which job?

An early preview of the redesigned Oval Office awaiting President Joseph Biden at the White House, on January 20 in Washington, DC. Photo by Bill O’Leary/The Washington Post via Getty Images

Today is Presidents’ Day. Over the years, it has become somewhat a tradition here at Pinstripe Alley to recognize this day by looking at the Office of the President through a New York Yankees lens. Occasionally, we’ve taken a serious foray into history, such as 2015’s look at U.S. Presidents who have attended Yankee games (and, in later years, threw out ceremonial first pitches). At other times, we’ve gone absolutely ridiculous for the sake of humor, with Andrew Mearns’ attempt at comparing each President to a member of the Yankees back in 2017.

Consider this escapade firmly belonging to the second category.

The premise here is fairly simple. For some reason, the entire United States government blinks out of existence, disappearing into thin air as if affected by Thanos and the Infinity Stones. For an equally bizarre reason, the country has turned to Yankees manager Aaron Boone, naming him the 47th President of the United States, Designated Survivor style. Not knowing where else to turn, he enlists his team to help him govern, naming players to members of the Cabinet and other high-ranking positions. In such a scenario, who would get each job? Let’s find out.

Vice President — Anthony Rizzo

A veteran who took on a leadership role as soon as he walked into the Yankees clubhouse after the 2021 trade deadline, Anthony Rizzo’s selection as Vice President is about as obvious a choice as possible. In many ways, that is the position that he currently appears to occupy within the clubhouse, as the No. 2 to the captain Aaron Judge. On top of that, he has some limited experience as the top dog — he did manage the final games of last season, after all — an important trait for any Vice President, who must be ready to step into the Presidency at a moment’s notice.

Speaker of the House — DJ LeMahieu

Having a good speaker in the House of Representatives is important, because otherwise, nobody will be able to hear what is being said at the podium. Since all DJs have good speakers — otherwise, they wouldn’t get any gigs — it stands to reason that LeMahieu would be the perfect fit for this...[whispering in John’s ear]

Hold on. I’ve just been informed that the Speaker of the House refers to the person who runs meetings of the House, and is not in fact a physical speaker. A pity.

Still, LeMahieu would be the perfect leader of the House of Representatives, as the versatility he’s demonstrated with the Yankees by regularly playing every infield position except shortstop and batting pretty much everywhere in the lineup would come in handy facilitating the legislature into something that represents a functioning body.

Secretary of State — Jose Trevino

Trying to find a good Secretary of State within a baseball team can be difficult, as very little of their actions involve negotiation and discussion with another team. Catchers probably come closest, as they must keep up a good relationship with the home plate umpire or else risk having every borderline call go to the other team. Due to his abilities as a pitch framer, it’s fair to assume that Jose Trevino has done a solid job at keeping umpires friendly to him, so he gets the nod.

Secretary of Defense — Harrison Bader

From 1789 to 1947, when the Department of Defense was known as the Department of War, the obvious choice would be Yankees right fielder Aaron Judge, who has led the team in Wins Above Replacement (WAR) in 2017, 2018, 2021, and 2022 (and came in second to LeMahieu in 2019 despite only playing 102 games). With its current name, however, we must focus not on total value, but on defensive value, and with Platinum Glove recipient Jose Trevino already assigned a position, 2021 Gold Glove center fielder Harrison Bader is the obvious choice.

Attorney General — Aaron Judge

There are many reasons that the new Yankees captain fits perfectly as the new Attorney General. For starters, from his name alone, he belongs in the judicial system in some capacity. Even beyond that, however, as captain, he will almost serve as a judge or juror whenever the clubhouse needs to hold a session of the kangaroo court, much like Derek Jeter did back in 2009.

Secretary of Commerce — Isiah Kiner-Falefa

Among the Department of Commerce’s many responsibilities involves facilitating trade with other nations. Last winter, Isiah Kiner-Falefa got a crash course in handling trade logistics. Because he traded on back-to-back days last March (first from the Rangers to the Twins, then from the Twins to the Yankees), he had to get his belongings transported across the country multiple times on a short notice — and then track down his car weeks later. Suffice to say, if there’s anybody I’d be willing to trust handling the logistics of an international trade network, it’s him.

Secretary of Transportation — Greg Weissert

As any New Yorker knows, the MTA’s network of subways, buses, and trains can seem daunting to anybody not from the area, and is the perfect place to learn how to quickly and efficiently move large crowds of people from one place to another. Greg Weissert, a Long Island native, went to college at Fordham University in the Bronx, meaning he has likely spent considerable time on the 4 train, the Metro-North, and the Long Island Railroad.

Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs — Josh Donaldson

Now headed into his age-37 season, third baseman Josh Donaldson is officially the oldest player on the New York Yankees, and he narrowly edges out Giancarlo Stanton as the first to make his MLB debut (Donaldson’s was on April 30, 2010; Stanton’s on June 8th of that year). Due to his seniority, it only makes sense that the Bringer of Rain would know what to bring to the team’s veteran contingent.