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Five Yankees you want to be your Valentine

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This isn’t just the best Yankee team in some time, it might also be the most attractive

Valentine’s Day In Gaza City Photo by Majdi Fathi/NurPhoto via Getty Images

One thing you might not know about me is just how many spreadsheets I have on the go at any one time. As I write this I’m also preparing the Recap MVP workbook for the PSA staff competition, and adding a class to my Classes That Use Spreadsheets spreadsheet. Famously among my fellow staff writers, I have a spreadsheet ranking the relative attractiveness of every Yankee on the 26-man roster.

It’s that list I want to share with you, dear reader. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and if you’re like me and spending the holiday of love alone, take comfort in knowing you have options amongst the Bronx Bombers. As usual, my deepest thanks to Dan Brink for indulging in my weirdest desires with these graphics.

5. Jonathan Loaisiga

Jonny Lasagna has everything you need. A quick nickname makes him easy to save in your phone, and his impressive peripherals - super high spin rate fastball and curve - make him a budding stud in the bullpen. Does he have an injury history? Sure, but that’s just a better case he’ll have rehab time to spend with you rather than in Oakland on a West Coast trip.

4. Luis Severino

The flame-throwing right-hander was the first of the new generation of Baby Bombers to find consistent success in the big leagues, and brings so much passion to the mound that you know he brings the same emotion home. Tired of the same old dinner and movie night? You know Luis is going to offer something more than that.

If you needed even more proof Sevy should be your Valentine this year, his bromance with Masahiro Tanaka is worth visiting. My mom always said to judge your crush by the way they treat their friends.

3. Clint Frazier

Look, we’re talking a lot about on-field production and physical attributes, but maybe you’re the type of person to flock to a comedian. There’s something to a date that makes you laugh that stands above the best gym bod, or perhaps the best MLB performance. Clint Frazier may just be your guy.

He’s an animal lover, a true blue-chip prospect, and the possibility he’s traded any given year lends a sense of adventure to any potential partner. Be warned, the Georgia peach does come with a few yellow flags; he’s a cat person, and may require more bathroom space for hair products than you do. If you can tolerate that, in Clint’s own words, maybe he’ll make you laugh.

2. Tyler Wade

What do you get with Tyler Wade, besides him being the healthy clone of Jacoby Ellsbury? It’s all about the versatility.

Find me a man that can fix his sink in the morning, plant heirloom tomato seeds in the afternoon, and hit up a punk show at night. Tyler Wade is that man; he plays every position on the diamond and actually showed a real improvement offensively in 2019. The Yankees look like they’ll give him a chance to make a real splash in 2020, shouldn’t you give him a chance too?

  1. Gleyber Torres

The onetime jewel of the Yankees’ farm system is the jewel of our list. Torres really does have it all; marquee good looks, an incredibly mature approach at the plate, more power than you ever expected, and a certain flair for the dramatic:

If Torres isn’t your Valentine in 2020, don’t fret. He’s going to be on the team until at least 2024, and is far too valuable to be traded. You have at least four more seasons to hope he notices the candygrams shoved in his locker.