Yankees pitcher Masahiro Tanaka was very good at Instagram in 2018

Masahiro Tanaka’s Instagram is a place of wonder and joy. During the season, we get to enjoy Tanaka’s adorable smile in his post-victory shots. In the offseason, Tanaka graciously invites us into his many exploits, which include bass fishing and fanboying over Japanese pop idols. As far as Yankees on social media go, Tanaka’s Insta is on par with Didi’s Twitter in terms of cuteness and wholesomeness.

However, there is one twist to Tanaka’s Instagram feed - the captions are almost completely written in Japanese. Luckily for those unfamiliar with the tongue, Instagram features a translation function (which only exists on the mobile app, apparently) that’s not perfect but will still give you a good idea of what the original post says.

Even more fortunately for us, sometimes the Instagram translation ends up nowhere near the original meaning and strays into the bizarre and sublime. Given the absence of more pressing Yankees news, I have taken the liberty of assembling the five best examples of such occurrences in 2018. Download that mobile app, and let these mistranslations warm your heart in the depths of winter.

5. Tanaka coasting in the ALDS

Actual translation: I’ll be starting tomorrow’s ALDS Game 2! I’m hoping to give it my all. Please give me your support!!

Instagram translation: I’ll be in the middle of tomorrow’s Division Series 2TH FIGHT! I would like to be able to coast everything that I have. Thank you for all your support !!

First, “2TH FIGHT!” is so much cooler than “Game 2”, almost like something out of an early version of Street Fighter. Second, I can’t understand how “hoping to give it my all” became “would like to coast everything that I have.” I’d imagine “gee, I’d sure like to coast” is not exactly the mindset you’d want your Game 2 pitcher to be in. Then again, Tanaka did step up in a big way in his start, going five innings and allowing just one run. Maybe relaxation is the key to Tanaka’s stellar postseason performances.

4. Mass cover of the ally row

Actual translation: Win #4! Thanks to huge run support from my lineup early on, I was able to win!

Instagram translation: The 4th win! we could also win a mass cover of the ally row from the beginning!

Not so sure “mass cover of the ally row” is something you’d want to win, but you do you, Tanaka. Also, I’m totally going to start referring to the Yankees’ lineup as the “ally row” from now on.

3. Viscosity of the viscosity

Actual translation: I started today’s game against the Orioles, and with six innings and no runs, was able to win my 9th game! This was my first start in two months at my home park, Yankee Stadium. It was in many ways a tough start for me, but I’m glad I was able to stick it out and shut them down!! I’ll make adjustments towards my next start starting tomorrow.

Instagram translation: I was able to throw it in the Orioles Fight, and I was able to get 9 wins this season with a 6-run run! In About 2 months, I threw it at the Yankee Stadium, which is the base. It was a pitching with a lot of suffering, but I’m glad I was able to hold on to the viscosity of the viscosity!! I’m going to have a tight adjustment for the next on from tomorrow.

The prescient among you may already have noticed that Instagram translations tend to make starting baseball games sound like throwing down in actual brawls, which I find exceedingly funny. The capitalization of “Orioles Fight” is a nice touch, too. And “viscosity of the viscosity” is an all-time phrase. Next time Tanaka pitches out of a jam, you know I’m going to have that phrase at the ready.

2. 700-year old MLB

Actual translation: It’s a bit late, but...I got my 700th MLB strikeout two starts ago. I received a wonderful video and pictures from the Rakuten Eagles. Here’s one of the pics that I got. Thank you! My injury is getting a little bit better.

Instagram translation: It’s late to put it, but...it’s been a long time since I’ve had a 700-Year-Old MLB. I received a nice photo and video from rakuten eagles. here I’ll just put a picture on it. Thank you! the injury is getting a little bit better.

Two questions. One, what exactly is a 700-year-old MLB? Two, if it’s a long time since Tanaka’s had a 700-year-old MLB, then...just how old is Tanaka himself?

1. Tanaka meets the de moo jockey

Actual translation: I was able to meet famed jockey Mirco Demuro for a TV show! It’s been a long time since I last met Mr. Demuro. And the host of the show was Reiko Okabe! I never imagined I’d be able to meet her...!!!! We touched on a lot of topics, such as how to navigate a maiden race, 2018 in review, and life outside of the horse tracks. Our conversation can be seen on JRA’s homepage. Please give it a look!

Instagram translation: ***M. I had a conversation with the de moo jockey! It’s been a long time with the de moo jockey. And in progress, Reiko Okabe!! no way I can meet you...!! !! 2 years old fighting or 2018 years of flashback, and to private ,I’ve been talking to you a lot. The pattern of the conversation is within the homepage of jra. Please take a look.

Forget the names and the actual circumstances of the meeting. All you need to know is that Tanaka met the de moo jockey, and he was mighty excited about it. Wouldn’t you like to meet the de moo jockey? I know I could use a de moo jockey shirsey. Also “2 years old fighting or 2018 years of flashback” sounds like the nastiest Vietnam flashback sequence of all time. Never change, Instagram. Don’t even think about upgrading your translation algorithms.