Announcing the awards for the Yankees/Tigers brawl

On Thursday, the Yankees got into a big fight. By Friday, they were issued suspensions and fines. Now on Saturday, we’re here to hand out awards to the best and the worst fighters. And the biggest fight of the week is still hours away.

Fighting is not good. Baseball players should avoid doing it whenever possible. It’s an easy way to break a hand or tear a ligament or end a career. The Yankees and the Tigers fought anyway, but no one got hurt. As long as no one was hurt, it can be fun to see grown men fight each other on live television, especially when that’s not the thing they are being paid millions of dollars to do. It’s so rare in baseball that it becomes a spectacle to watch.

Now, without further delay, I present to you the awards for the Great Baseball Brawl of 2017:

Worst Fighter/Best Takedown: Miguel Cabrera/Austin Romine

Miguel Cabrera started it. He’s also probably the only one who didn’t land a punch, so he wins the award by losing. If you’re going to make enough trouble to start a fight, you have to be sure you’re going to connect at some point, right? He just looks silly getting taken down like that.

This, of course, leads us to the Best Takedown Award, which goes to Austin Romine, uncontested. There were other guys dragged to the ground, but no one was body slammed. It wasn’t the prettiest takedown, but it did the job. He took Cabrera out of the fight.

Dumbest Fighters: Austin Romine & Gary Sanchez

Alas, Romine’s day was not over. He and Gary Sanchez win the Dumbest Fighter Award because they both threw punches on a guy who was already on the ground. Yes, Romine was protecting himself, and yes that guy was in the fetal position.

Gary, meanwhile, was the designated hitter. He wasn’t on the field. He had to run out out of the dugout to even get involved. Gary was out for blood. He managed to squeeze in a few cheap shots against a guy who was already covered by 10 dudes.

The Biggest Baseball Boy: Aaron Judge

My big baseball boy is out here tossing people. The crowd parts for his forearms. Adults are like babies in his palm. He drags Miguel Cabrera like he’s Ronald Torreyes. Of course he wins this award.

Most Valuable Brawler/Least Valuable Brawler: Clint Frazier/Jacoby Ellsbury

The Yankees MVP was the fastest thinker, not the best fighter. Clint Frazier thought to pull Sanchez away from the fight. He’s the guy at the bottom of the screen dragging his own teammate to the ground. Frazier’s on the disabled list and he still fared better than everyone out there. His didn’t prevent a suspension, but he might have saved Gary’s season.

Clint’s opposite number is the guy he almost takes out. Jacoby Ellsbury is the team’s least valuable player, so it makes sense he would be the worst in a fight. Everyone’s already out there, he has nothing to do, and he almost managed to break something anyway.

Fastest Man Alive: David Robertson

Congratulations to David Robertson for not pulling a hamstring here.

Angriest Man Alive: Brett Gardner

Happy birthday, Brett!

If you are reading this, and you have other awards to give out, please share them with us below. Remember, this is all in fun.