What if every Yankee had a fragrance?

The Yankees released a funny Yankees On Demand commercial yesterday, featuring a fake Gary Sanchez fragrance called I Am Gary, subtly poking fun at the overly self-reflective nature of perfume commercials combined with the characteristics of Sanchez as a catcher. That made me think: what if every Yankee this year had a fragrance? Here they are:

Austin Romine: You borrow this fragrance at a friend’s house. It’s pretty good, it’ll last you a day, but you’re not gonna go out and buy it yourself because you prefer #IAmGary.

Matt Holliday: Pinaud Clubman. People have been using it forvever, and it’s still good today.

Chris Carter: Costco-brand generic lotion and scent. It’s a massive jug that’s really cheap, and it’s not that good, but it’s a good deal and you bought a hundred of them.

Greg Bird:

“Drink it every morning so you can fight like a crow!”

Aaron Hicks: It’s your backup cologne—you wouldn’t use it for a wedding or a big event, but for work during the week? Sure. It gets the job done, but I’m probably not replacing it when it runs out.

Starlin Castro: It’s a confusion serum that upon spraying, it immediately makes you get thrown out on the bases.

Ronald Torreyes: It’s sold in a pint bottle, but it’s got some serious punch. Don’t use too much. Can be mixed with Aaron Judge’s fragrance.

Rob Refsnyder: It’s Chanel No. 5. People think it’s awesome, but it’s incredibly overrated.

Didi Gregorius: Sir’s Blood.

Chase Headley: It’s water. It’s literally just tap water.

Tyler Austin: A normal cologne bottle, but sold as broken shards of glass.

Brett Gardner: Pure sweat.

Jacoby Ellsbury: It’s also sweat but it costs $150 million. It’s also mixed with this:

Aaron Judge: Liquid Wheaties.

Masahiro Tanaka: Mr. Burberry. He’s Mr. Yankee, and he’s worth the money. Now, Hal, pay up.

CC Sabathia: Knee fluid:

Michael Pineda: You buy this for your mom on Mother’s Day, and even though it doesn’t smell bad, it’s the only day she uses it and then she tosses it.

Luis Severino: It’s one of those colognes that you really like, not only because it smells good, but because it still smells pretty good as the day goes on and you’ve sweat a little bit. What I’m trying to say is that he’s getting better.

Jordan Montgomery: Aqua Velva Ice Blue. It’s dirt-cheap, but it gets the job done.

Dellin Betances: I don’t even know what it’d smell like, but I’m calling it DYLAN.

Tyler Clippard: Lubricant oil. ClippardBot needs to be lubricated to be a well-oiled machine.

Aroldis Chapman: Lighter fluid. When Chapman throws the bottle, it bursts into a ball of fire.

Adam Warren: He doesn’t have one, because he only wears #IAmGary.

Tommy Layne: Axe body spray. It stinks.

Jonathan Holder: Old spice. It seems good in theory and seems to have the necessary ingredients for a good cologne, but I’m still not sure if I could wear it every day.

Chasen Shreve: It smells good for a little while, and then the bottle explodes.