Which beers best describe the Yankees’ players?

It’s that time again. From the idiotic mind that once brought you “Yankees as Pokemon” and “Yankees as U.S. Presidents,” it’s the third follow-up that the world demanded: Yankees as beers. These are just words building up to the post, and they essentially mean nothing. I do have to say that I must thank Tanya, Jason, Kunj, and PSA member NoMahbles for their help on assigning beers.

Anyway, cheers:

Greg Bird - Troegs Mad Elf

They say that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but that’s really because it’s right around when the delicious Mad Elf by Troegs returns to store shelves. One can sometimes find it outside the holidays, but the wait can be long, just as it was in 2016, when Yankees fans had to twiddle their thumbs waiting for Bird to return from shoulder surgery. It took a long time, but it looks like it will be worth the wait, given his torrid spring performance. So raise a Mad Elf for Bird!

Gary Sanchez - Creature Comforts Tropicalia

#GaryGood. #TropicaliaGood. It’s as simple as that.

Brett Gardner - Stella Artois

It’s a tradition at this point. Brett Gardner enters the year amid trade rumors here and there, and he ends up roughly doing the same thing every year by hitting for a decent average and providing highlight-reel defense with some occasional pop and speed on the bases. It’s not the most exciting production from an outfielder and the Yankees could do better (hence his name on the market), but it’s just fine for now. Stella is always pretty much “just fine for now” when you join a dinner party that is already drinking and want to both immediately have a drink and find something better on the menu.

Dellin Betances - Lagunitas Sucks

Yankees president Randy Levine seems to think that Betances sucks, but he's actually amazing. Don’t be fooled by the beer name either, as Sucks is fantastic.

Starlin Castro - Guinness

Guinness is fairly popular, but you have to be in the right mood for a Guinness. If you’re not really feeling a Guinness and have one, it’s not great. On the occasion that you do feel like having one, it’s as thrilling as a Castro dinger. More often than not, it’s a swing at a pitch in the dirt in that it was unnecessary in the first place.

Austin Romine - Yuengling

Yuengling should never be your first choice. It’s almost always around though, and when there’s a limited selection, then it’s the quintessential backup beer. How very Romine.

Didi Gregorius - La Trappe Dubbel

Had to go with a Dutch beer for Gregorius, especially after he represented his country in the World Baseball Classic, and the Dubbel fits too. It’s tasty and packs more of a punch than one might think, just like Didi’s surprising 20-homer pop.

Masahiro Tanaka - Ommegang Three Philosophers

Ommegang is absolutely outstanding. Tanaka is absolutely outstanding. This is an easy fit, but the “three philosophers” bit makes it better since Tanaka loves dissecting his starts. Even when he seemingly dominates, he’s able to think about his performance and find something to focus on for the future.

Chase Headley - Bud Light

Yep.

Aaron Judge - Dogfish Head World Wide Stout

World Wide Stout is an absurd beer in that it is super strong with an 18% ABV. Dogfish Head’s 120 Minute IPA would also fit here, but World Wide Stout is a terrific beer for the colossal human Judge since it sounds like it could be his WWE name as well. Also the “super strong” part.

Aroldis Chapman - Magic Hat

Chapman is a talented pitcher. Magic Hat is a talented brewing company. They’re both shitty.

Matt Holliday - Sam Adams Octoberfest

The veterans in the lineup, Octoberfest and Holliday have both been around for a long time, but they are both still as reliable as ever. Although Octoberfest might be released earlier every year, I’m certainly not complaining. Holliday might be older and in a DH role, but he has failed to reach the 20-homer plateau just once in the past decade. By season’s end, it seems likely that fans can enjoy watching Holliday’s 20th dinger of the year with an Octoberfest. It’d be a good pairing.

Michael Pineda - Dos Equis

Based on the “most interesting man in the world” ad campaign, you might think that Dos Equis should be really good. Based on his dynamic repertoire and wipeout slider, you might think that Michael Pineda should be really good. They are not.

Jacoby Ellsbury - Rogue

Beers by Rogue used to be good, but in NoMahbles’ words, they’re now pedestrian and massively overpriced. Tanya describes it thusly, specifically the Voodoo Doughnut Bacon Maple: “The outside looks pretty but the inside is shit.”

Yeah, that’s Ellsbury.

Tyler Clippard - Pabst Blue Ribbon

Clippard just looks like the type of guy who would love PBRs, and that is all that this needs to go by.

Ronald Torreyes - Negra Modelo

As Jason noted, Negro Modelo isn't desirable or even especially tasty, but if you have it, it's surprisingly not bad. Like Yuengling, it fits the backup option well, just like Torreyes.

Rob Refsnyder - Angry Orchard

No, Ref doesn’t have a real position here, either.

Tommy Layne - Heineken

No one is ever sure how exactly Heineken ends up at a party. No one brings it. Yet somehow it ends up in your friend’s fridge or on the porch. I’m fairly certain that’s precisely how Tommy Layne found his way to essentially a locked-up spot on the Opening Day roster.