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Yankees introduce new food to Yankee Stadium as part of their plan to kill you

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Many have been vocal in their disdain for the prices Yankee Stadium demands. If I have to pay so much, why not make it worth my while? Well the Yankees have heard your plea and now they laugh in your face with their new monster food offerings for the 2016 season. You will regret your demands for better food because now you are going to die. Here is the new food you will be served when you're there this year, starting with the most terrifying:

Barnyard Wedding

While not the biggest of Yankee Stadium's new "murder morsels," this thing they call the Barnyard Wedding doesn't even sound edible. As in, how do you eat it? It honestly sounds like it started off with good intentions and then suddenly things went out of control. A hamburger with cheese and some BBQ sauce? I think any of us would sign up for that. I'm puzzled as to how we went from that to adding a fried chicken cutlet and a hash brown, of all things, and thinking this is anything but a drunken concoction you invent at your college dinning hall and then are dared to consume. No way the juices from the burger don't mix with deep fried oils to create something that truly does your dorm leftovers justice.


What was the vision of this sandwich? To be the most disgusting nightmare-vision of the American Dream? TWO hamburger patties with American cheese, onion rings–not onions, onion RINGS–and grilled cheese for buns. It might help if you think of this less as a hamburger and more as a food platter that's has been configured into a pile for easy transport back to your seat. They say it's for two people, so don't eat this by yourself. Take it apart and eat it–if you're into holding a greasy burger patty with your bare hand.

Tape Measure Cheesesteak

This is a cheesesteak that is literally two feet in length. Cheesesteaks are great. I lived in Philadelphia for a time, so I know, but they aren't this good. Nothing is this good. Do not buy this sandwich. You will think you need to eat this all and then you will die. If you must buy this, share it with your entire family for the next week. Share it with your entire section. Just don't eat it all.

Also, why would they go with this as their crowning achievement when they are not the Philadelphia Phillies or located in Philly? I'd much rather they have a two-foot pizza or a two-foot bagel instead. Something extremely New York would have made a lot more sense.

Cheesesteak and Chicken-Cheesesteak Bowls

You've heard of a burrito bowl? Well now there's such a thing as a cheesesteak bowl because this is a thing that needed to exist in the world. The team's official press release describes it as such: "A pile of cheesesteak meat infused with white American or Cheez Whiz, covered with lettuce and tomato." I do not want to buy your pile of meat infused with Cheez Whiz, no matter how much lettuce you put on top of it. The three listed above might get the most attention, but don't sleep on how disgusting a cheesesteak bowl actually sounds. I dare not even seek this out at the Stadium to see what it looks like because I might throw up and ruin everyone's day.

Jumbo Souvenir Ice Cream Sundae Helmet/Souvenir Classic French Fries Helmut Cup

This is apparently a huge portion of ice cream inside of a helmet. I'm not entirely sure how big the helmet will be–full-sized like the three-pound banana spilt at US Cellular Field, or more like the replica previously used for nachos that is still pretty huge for a bowl of ice cream. This will probably be key for where this item should ultimately rank on this list. I'm lactose intolerant, so I won't be going anywhere near this thing, but good luck everyone else. They are also filling that helmet with french fries in a separate dish. Ugh.

The Big Cheese Grilled Cheese Stand

If you're really into grilled cheese, Yankee Stadium is clearly for you. They already put it in a burger, but now you can get different kinds of grilled cheese. Brisket and Bacon, French Onion, and the Classic Four-Cheese will be available all at one location. I have ranked this higher on the list than you might expect because I cannot eat cheese and it is dangerous to me. I also love cheese, so I am conflicted, but this is my list so the ranking stands.

Classy Pig

Here's one normal-looking piece of food. A roasted pork sandwich stuffed with broccoli rabe (oh my god, vegetables??) and topped with peppers, mayo, and provolone. That actually sounds like a thing that would exist out in the world and some classy New York deli and it would not be repulsive to look at.

Signature Chicken Fingers

I love plain old chicken fingers, but now they're giving you a choice of sauce that they will toss them into, including maple bourbon bacon, Thai chili, and spicy buffalo. Probably not too heinous of an idea, but consider me suspicious of the finished product.

G.O.A.T Burger

OK now we're talking. A burger topped with bacon and pastrami is something that actually intrigues me, unlike everything else on this list. It looks edible. There's something called G.O.A.T sauce that makes me feel uncomfortable, but it's probably some kind of mayo.

Jim Beam Chicken Sandwich

A fried chicken cutlet with Swiss cheese, pickles, and honey mustard in Jim Beam-flavored BBQ sauce? Sign me up right now. I would eat this anywhere, it doesn't even need to be at a ballpark.

Buffalo Chicken Quesadillas

Oh, well this sounds pretty straight forward and yummy. Sign me up for this one...unless this means there is ranch dressing inside the quesadilla.

Public Service Announcement: New beer selections coming this season include 10 Barrel Apocalypse IPA, Bronx Brewery, Catskill Brewery, Checker Cab Blonde Ale, Blue Point Toasted Lager.

That's what I have to say about the new food at Yankee Stadium, but check it out and decide for yourself. Don't say I didn't warn you, though. Come back and tell us how the food was. If we don't hear from you we'll know what happened.