Big news out of the Bronx today as the Yankees announced plans to immortalize Derek Jeter at Yankee Stadium. Forget Monument Park plaques, forget retired numbers, and forget even monuments. The Yankees will erect a statue to the shortstop who called New York home for 20 years.
"It's important for us to appease the plebs and make a quick buck on an easy sellou--I mean, celebrate the most vital players to the recent dynasty. Jeter needed a tribute far more glorious than the likes of Bernie Williams, Jorge Posada, and even Mariano Rivera," said owner Hal Steinbrenner.
The team announced that the statue would be erected in a ceremony on June 9th at 4:20pm, prior to the Yankees' anticipated pounding of the Angels. Reporters could hear an audible "nice" from what sounded like Larry Rothschild walking by the media room. (Sources say that Alex Rodriguez then asked "What's nice about it, Larry? Is that like, a social media thing or something? I'll have to ask my daughters," before CC Sabathia quickly told him, "ALEX, NO.")
At the press conference, GM Brian Cashman said the decision to build a statue for him wasn't difficult. "However," he said with a smirk, "the easiest part was deciding on the location."
Jeter's statue will be placed in the shortstop hole. Cashman felt that this was the perfect tribute to his Gold Glove-winning defense there.
As the media watched on in uncomfortable silence, Cashman continued. "Obviously he was a fantastic hitter, but everyone remembers the defense more than anything. The flip play... the jump throws... the million balls through the left side that even Eduardo Nunez could have reached... He did it HIS WAY, after all."
"It might be a bit of a distraction on the field, but they played, what, over 40 years at the old stadium with friggin' monuments in center field, right? This object will be nothing that a real shortstop like Didi Gregorius or Jorge Mateo can't work around."
"...and Derek Jeter, right?" said a couple reporters.
Cashman replied "Um... sure, let's go with that. Yeah, hashtag re-two-pect, jump throws, and all that crap, y'know."
Jeter did not attend the press conference, but when reached via phone about the potential slight he said, "I cannot possibly give less of a shit. You think I watch baseball and pay attention to the pitching of Luis Pitcherface or the managing efforts of Joe Who-Gives-a-Crap? Please. I have blogging to do. That asshole Harvey's behind on his deadline."
("Derek, you were in the dugout with Joe Girardi for over 10 years, you know his name.")
"Don't care. Jeets out."
As Steinbrenner departed the media room, one reporter swears he heard him say "That oughta hold those SOBs."