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Pride, Privilege, Pinstripes: How to make Yankee Stadium cater even more to the elite

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Tired of having to share the same sun and breathe the same air as people who paid less than you to get into Yankee Stadium? Here are some swank ideas to fix those issues, and more.

Soon to be equipped with laser beams that target the impoverished.
Soon to be equipped with laser beams that target the impoverished.
Rich Barnes-USA TODAY Sports

Over the years, Pinstripe Alley has expanded its reach further and further into the hearts and minds of the Yankee Universe. From extensive coverage of the Yankees’ farm system to painstaking hours spent delving into the draft class, we have done our best to try and provide you with the New York Yankees blog that fans of all backgrounds can enjoy. With that said, I’m here to tell you that we’re throwing all of that out of the window.

Lonn Trost’s words have resonated with us. By giving everyone our opinions on the Yankees, we’re ignoring the people who matter most. Of course, I’m talking about the elite, the luxurious, and the "creme de la creme" of Yankee Stadium. Why should just anyone read our site when the patrons who provide the Yankees with more money deserve it more? Pish posh!

Now that we cater only to those fans who are reading this on laptops made from rhinoceros tusks, here are some ways that Pinstripe Alley has come up with to improve your Yankee Stadium experience just a bit more…

Smell based security at Gate 4

One thing you may have noticed is that your average, everyday Yankee fan smells worse than you do, which is obviously why the cement moat barrier was created in the first place. In previous years, Legends Club members still had to deal with stinkier fans entering through Gate 4 before they get to the well guarded Legends Club entrance.

Starting in 2016, Yankee Stadium will no longer allow regular fans to enter the ballpark through Gate 4. Our staff will be properly trained to let you in based on your engraved tickets, as well as how wealthy you smell. This way, even if your common Yankee fan found a way to pay less than you paid for your luxurious ticket, you will still be treated better than they are.

Personal tablets at your seats

If you’ve taken a leisurely constitutional around Yankee Stadium, you have probably seen the lesser fans waiting in line for what they consider "food." Of course, Legends Club members don’t have to deal with such trifles due to our vigorous waiting staff. Waiting for servers to show up at your cushioned seat can take minutes though. No worries, as we have heard your complaints.

Yankee Stadium has now eliminated this troublesome wait by providing every Legends Club seat with its own personal seat tablet. With these tablets, members will be able to either summon their server with the press of a button or simply order their meals and drinks with the tablet itself. All the standard Legends Club menu items are there, no worries. Wagyu Beef Nachos, White Truffle Oil Infused Fries, and if you’re feeling rather quaint, a Nathan’s Hot Dog.

Enclosed glass casing

We recognize that despite the underground dining area, spa, and Cirque du Soleil interpretation of the Dynasty Era, some Legends Club members are actually at Yankee Stadium to watch the Yankees play baseball. Fan-tastic. We also recognize how taxing that could be sometimes as members would have to sit outside and breathe the same air as the underprivileged fans do. Just like the media and the other frugal fans, our staff have also noticed that you’re not in your seats much. Thankfully, Yankee Stadium has come up with a solution.

In 2016, an enclosed glass casing will be placed around the entire Legends Club section. While the cement moat was a nice idea in theory, it was just not getting the job done. Even though your average fan was not allowed in, light, sound, and beggarly oxygen still got through. Fear not, as the enclosed casing is both polarized and sound proof. Now when you hear the classic Charge fanfare, it will be played by a full orchestra. If the game bores you, your personal seat tablet will still allow you to watch the live stream of the Cirque du Soleil performance. Headphones will, of course, be provided.

Free T-Shirt Giveaways

You may have noticed that other major league baseball stadiums have an event in between innings in which t-shirts are launched via a bazooka at the teeming masses. Yes, it's true. Some fans need these barely cotton garments to wave around during games or help keep themselves warm on brisk winter nights. Who really knows, or cares, what they do with them. Little do they know that the elite are watching them dive for these articles of clothing much like they watch animals at the zoo. It's time to bring that same enjoyment to Yankee Stadium.

Not only will free t-shirt giveaways be coming to Yankee Stadium in 2016, but we will be giving you the chance get in on the action. The free t-shirt launch will take place in the middle of the 6th inning. Before that takes place, you will be given details on which sections of the stadium our staff will be aiming for. Using your personal seat tablets, you can select which fan will get the t-shirt and place friendly wagers on said fan with other Legends Club members. If you'd like a t-shirt of your own, fear not. Legends Club members can have these free t-shirts delivered to their seat and naturally, these t-shirts will be woven from only the finest Egyptian cotton.

These are just some suggestions that Pinstripe Alley has to make your elite Yankee Stadium visit even more "elitier" than ever before. If you have some ideas that we have not thought of, please post them in the comments section.