There are a lot of secrets out there. There are things we’ll never know about; things we’ll never understand. Think of all the secrets in the Yankees’ front office, for instance. What do the likes of Joe Girardi and Brian Cashman actually think of players? Who did they really try to trade for; what did they really try to give? And what other operational things are going on that we have no idea about? So many secrets we’re almost suffocating under the weight of them. What if we run out of oxygen? Would there be secret oxygen somewhere, and could we find it in time to not die?
Usually photographs don't keep any secrets, but sometimes they do, and it’s our job to coax those secrets out. Let’s take a look at five or more photographic specimens and see what secrets we can detect.
#5 – Joe Girardi squints at something imperceptible in the distance
Photo by Matthew Emmons/USA TODAY Sports
Joe Girardi has a fondness for staring at things. Who doesn’t? Here he is, looking to his left. Here he is, also looking to his left. Here he is, staring down at us while grinning like a madman. This photo doesn’t involve him staring, but it is of note because of the appalling polo shirt he is wearing. Joe: please burn that polo shirt, and have someone photograph the burning so we know for sure the shirt is gone from this planet.
Here, Joe can’t believe his eyes as Stephen Drew goes 3-4 with two extra base hits.
"We were just about to designate him for assignment," Girardi told media after the game. "But on the basis of last night’s performance, we’ve offered him a four year contract extension."
#4 – Mandatory pre-game celebration practice
Photo by Brad Rempel/USA TODAY Sports
I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. The Yankees have detonated an atomic bomb on the unwritten rules rulebook: they’ve been photographed secretly practicing victory celebrations prior to a game, and as any student of baseball can tell you, you’re not allowed to do that because baseball is, of course, a no-fun zone.
"You just don’t celebrate," said the entire active roster of the Arizona Diamondbacks when we approached them for comment. All twenty-five men spoke into our microphone in unison, very much as if they were participants in some unwritten rules cult. "Don’t show emotion when playing," they said, "and most importantly, play the game the right way, which is sort of the umbrella unwritten rule for all unwritten rules."
The Yankees might be forgiven for thinking they could get away with it, because check those celebrations out: they’re about as somber as celebrations come.
"The team needs to practice everything," said manager Joe Girardi. "And that includes practicing celebrating. If we’re going to celebrate the right way, we have to practice how to do that. It’s not that we've assumed we’re going to win; it’s not about hubris. It’s about respect for the other team."
Indeed, there they are, walking toward each other slowly, raising their arms at ninety-degree angles in preparation for the mutual reception of the high-five maneuver. Only that punk Brett Gardner is breaking the rules, with his special shoes and his down-low-too-slow anti-conformity.
"I’ve got A-Rod on my side," Gardner said. "He may pretend like he’s following the unwritten rules, but away from prying eyes he goes wild. The other day he picked up a traffic cone, held it as if it were a machine gun, and started firing it at Martin Perez.
"‘21 runs!’ Alex yelled, ‘21 runs! Pew pew! Pew pew!’ He only let up after Perez had walked away confused. And then he turned to me and said, ‘Perez is all melted in my mind's eye.’
"It was morose, but it was one hell of a celebration."
Interval: A selected moment from the life of Alex Rodriguez
Now for the continuation of our weekly segment A selected moment from the life of Alex Rodriguez. Here, then, is this week’s selected moment, from April 2006:
Photo by Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images for Gibson Guitars
Look at that tie, though.
#3 – Crowds, and the People in Them 5
Now, the completely unanticipated return of the occasional segment Crowds, and the People in Them. In this week’s Crowds, and the People in Them, we perform a close reading of seven subjects within this throng of individuals.
Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images
It's time for us to be deciders: who will win the coveted Toppest Human title?
Will it be the woman who decided to come to the ballpark dressed like a running shoe?
Will it be this directionally challenged fan, who is looking in vaguely the right direction and is reaching for the ball in the completely wrong direction?
Will it be this ultra-aware boy-girl pairing, who are so clear about where the ball is that they have their backs turned to it?
Will it be elephant t-shirt guy, who throws up his arms in despair at the impotence of his ball catching ability?
Will it be this terrified woman, who has just witnessed all of life's atrocities in one large combo montage?
Or will it be this fine specimen, who is an inch away from making perhaps the finest one-handed catch of the year?
For the first time in Crowds, and the People in Them history, we’ll turn the voting over to you, dear reader. Remember to vote for your favorite of these seven worthy candidates in the poll at the bottom of this article. Or, scroll down and vote now, but only if you promise to come back, because you wouldn’t want to miss out on T-Rex Tanaka now would you?
#2 – T-Rex Tanaka
Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images
THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG WITH THE PERSPECTIVE IN THIS PHOTO
MASAHIRO WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NECK
MASAHIRO WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARMS
MASAHIRO WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEGS
MASAHIRO ARE YOU A T-REX
Interval: And now, A-Rod reenacts scenes from art films
Now for the introduction of a new medium-rare segment, And now, A-Rod reenacts scenes from art films.
Today, A-Rod will be reenacting the knife drop from Takeshi Kitano’s 1997 masterpiece Hana-bi.
Hana-bi, Office Kitano/Nippon Herald Films
This scene introduces us to the violent and crooked Detective Nishi, played by actor-director Takeshi Kitano. Here, Nishi nonchalantly dangles a knife above a criminal’s head.
Below, A-Rod nonchalantly grasps a sharpened bat shard, which he may or may not choose to drop on the corpses of his enemies. No one shall defy the Rod.
Photo by David Banks/Getty Images
#1 – Lonerism
Photo by Kevin Jairaj/USA TODAY Sports
"They didn’t invite me to the party, just like fourth grade," said Teixeira after the game. "How am I feeling? Sad Teixeira."
Texface of the Week
Photo by Dennis Wierzbicki/USA TODAY Sports