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Yankees Photos of the Week 8/24/15: Adventures in unnecessarily vigorous celebrations

Discover the secret location of Edward Snowden. Witness on-field trolling by Andrew Miller. Learn the new Mark Teixeira dance. These things, and more, right now.

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This feature is back after a short hiatus, and things got wicked out of hand while it was gone. Listen, humans: you can’t just notice Yankees Photos of the Week hasn’t run in two weeks and decide it’s time to be all crazy and bizarre again. We were still watching! We were still out there, looking. And here we are, back and packing a vengeance.

Let’s not wait any longer. Below, find enclosed some photographs.

#7 – A-Rod butt 2

Photo by Dan Hamilton/USA TODAY Sports

Please accept the hotly anticipated sequel to July 13th's A-Rod butt, A-Rod butt 2.

Here, umpire Andy Fletcher ejects Alex Rodriguez’s butt after finding its stance on campaign finance reform objectionable. When Rodriguez protests he needs his butt in order for him to function as a human being, umpire Fletcher summarily ejects Rodriguez before suggesting Rodriguez allocate some of his salary to the purchase of a less opinionated butt.

#6 – Many happy returns

Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

"Excuse me, but I won’t be needing this," said Ryan, handing his bat to the batboy before returning to the batter’s box to face the opposing pitcher.

When the umpire explained to Ryan, "that’s not baseball," Ryan replied his hitting couldn’t get much worse than it already was, and turned to face the opposing pitcher while wielding an imaginary air bat.

Interval: Non-Yankee Photo of the Week

Photo by Noah K. Murray/USA TODAY Sports

Bronx, NY, USA—Boston Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval (48) reacts to his Instagram feed before the start of the game against the New York Yankees at Yankee Stadium.

#5 – Adventures in unnecessarily vigorous celebrations

Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

Did Alex Rodriguez need to crush Brian McCann’s hand in celebration of McCann’s home run? "In retrospect, going for the double-handed handshake was a mistake," a contrite Rodriguez would say after the game. The instant admission of guilt is part of Rodriguez’s new sympathetic character – ‘Sympathetic Alex’ as some of the media have termed him. Rodriguez is now likeable, has rehabilitated his image, and is quick to fess up to his mistakes, or so seems the general consensus.

But, please – are we really to believe this isn’t just an attempt to work himself into the role of starting catcher? After all, Rodriguez is well known to never have said "I’ve always wanted to be catcher." And when a person never says something, you know it’s true. CNN’s entire business model is centered on the core principle of reporting things nobody actually said, and if it’s good enough for CNN it’s good enough for the rest of us.

#4 – Crowds, and the People in Them 6

Coming in at number four this week, it’s the return of the 6/10 segment Crowds, and the People in Them.

Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

I’ve been looking to give out the heretofore unheard of Most Joy award for quite some time. The hunt for a deserving candidate has been long and arduous, and in this Crowds, and the People in Them I believe I’ve found a winner. Behold, the winner of Most Joy!

Congratulations, joyous girl human. I gotta say – and far be it from me to point out flaws in your joy – it’s unclear why you’re so happy. After all, you’ve literally just seen an opposing hitter launch a ball into the stands, and you’re wearing a Yankees jersey, so you've no real reason to be cheering for this. For your information, a home run by the other team is not exactly something to get excite over. In any case, you are literally the happiest person, and so on behalf of me, I’m proud to adorn you with the words Most Joy.

Also of note is this man:

Josiah screamed as he saw the ball land in another man’s hand. He knew the life of his teddy bear Ham depended on him catching that ball, and he knew he’d failed. The Russian mobsters said if he didn’t catch a home run at the ballgame it’d be lights out for Ham.

He’d failed himself.

He’d failed Ham.

"It was Ham’s last chance," said an inconsolable Josiah after the game. "And now Ham’s dead."

The twenty-six-year-old wailed, holding up his phone; on the screen, a Snapchat – a severed teddy bear head, and white stuffing all over the floor. Then, the Snap’s ominous caption:

"Goodbye Ham."

#3 – Mark Teixeira dancing

Photo by Noah K. Murray/USA TODAY Sports

I don’t know what this photo is meant to be, but after a lengthy stretch of time analyzing it, I’ve decided it shows Mark Teixeira inventing a new dance. You stretch your arms outward as if you were a pterodactyl, and you move your chest from side to side, i.e. left to right.

(It’s sort of like the Emma dance, except while she moves her arms you keep your arms still and move your upper upper body.)

Footnote: Some may choose to yell "Tex it! Tex it!" while doing this, but if I were you I would very much not do that.

#2 – Life

Photo by Anthony Gruppuso/USA TODAY Sports

From the Wall Street Journal:

It was last month when Andrew Miller started playing a game with catcher John Ryan Murphy – that is, Miller would call it a game, but Murphy would call it a systematic means of oppression and the complete minimizing of his agency not just as a player, but as a human being.

"Whenever I try to walk forward, he blocks me," Murphy admitted to YES Network’s Meredith Marakovits last Friday. "He’s always there. He’s here right now." (A large Miller, striking the same scarecrow pose pictured above, loomed over Marakovits and her subject as they sat on the dugout bench.)

"I’ve tried to walk forward into him and get him off balance, but it never works. It’s like walking into a vertically stacked assortment of bricks."

"You mean a wall?" Marakovits queried.

"Yes," Murphy said.

"He’s even blocking my mind, see. I couldn’t remember the word for spoon yesterday. I called it a ‘collection of steel atoms arranged in the shape of an elongated handle at one end, and a shallow oval basin at the other.’

"The clubhouse laughed at me. That felt real bad."

When asked why he was doing it, Miller refused to comment. A Mike Francesa source told the napping radio host he overheard Miller telling teammates it was quote "fun" unquote.

Others have suggested radical sports terrorist Alex Rodriguez may have put Miller up to the task.

"One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter," Rodriguez said, "and I’m standing up for Andrew Miller’s freedom to stand in front of people."

Said manager Joe Girardi after Friday’s game: "We’ve considered disciplining Miller, but to be honest he’s just too good a player to lose."

#1 – Crowds, and the People in Them 7

It’s a banner week for Crowds, and the People in Them as we bring you another edition of Crowds, and the People in Them.

Photo by Gregory J. Fisher/USA TODAY Sports

And now, the nominees for today’s Best Crowd Member, which we have, incidentally, split into two camps for you: people who couldn’t care less that somebody caught a baseball, and people who care too much that somebody caught a baseball.

Once you’ve reviewed the offerings, please vote in the poll at the bottom of this post.

People who couldn’t care less that somebody caught a baseball

Nominee A: Time-displaced Limp Bizkit member
This backwards-cap wearing radical was teleported from the mid-90s to the year of our Lord 2015 by some unknown means.

Nominee B: Mr. Incognito
Who knows what this man gets up to.

Nominee C: Edward Snowden

Nominee D: Scarily alert grandma

Just a couple of questions about this grandma:

  1. Why is she wearing FBI sunglasses? Is she a federal agent? Has she been spent here to spy on us? What does the grandma want? Quick, find something to offer her to keep her from talking to them about us. Here grandma, please accept this lifetime subscription to Reader’s Digest. You never saw us here and you have no reason to suspect us of any wrongdoing.
  2. Why is her cap so big?
  3. Did somebody take a WW2 helmet, slap a Yankee logo on the front, and sell it as a Yankee cap?
  4. Why is she wearing a helmet to the ballpark? What does she know about potential snipers that we don’t?

Nominee E: Truncated head man
Thanks to a tragic accident involving Florida, this man’s entire body consists of half a head.

People who care too much that somebody caught a baseball

Nominee F: OMG girl
This girl is very excited that a baseball has been caught by a crowd member.

Nominee G: Demon child seething over his failure to catch ball

Bri-Bri Faccia of the Week

Photo by Jason Miller/USA TODAY Sports