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Yankees Photos of the Week 7/6/15: Photos with faces in them

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In this edition, we investigate alarming developments in A-Rod's helmet fetishism, curious contortions in CC Sabathia's face, and a variety of moments in the life of Mark Teixeira.

Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

We all have faces. They’re on the front of our heads, so in that way they’re easy to spot. And we do this weird thing where we tend to point our faces at a camera when we’re being photographed. It’s almost like we’re all narcissists (but that’s an awfully big proclamation to make, so I won’t commit to it fully).

Faces are ubiquitous. They’re even in sports! Sports, where ostensibly the subject is the play on the field. And yet here I have cobbled together a collection of photographs where, rather alarmingly, each contain faces! What gives? As an investigative journalist, my job is to answer these difficult questions. Today I am proud to present you an inquiry on the fascinating phenomenon of faces appearing in photographs.

#5 – "We’re paying him $22 million a year so he can steal helmets"

Photo by Adam Hunger/USA Today Sports

It’s already well documented that Alex Rodriguez is a helmet fetishist – a kranophiliac, if you will (from the Greek for helmet, κράνος, which I know because I am Greek). See linked there Andrew Mearns’ incisive study of Mr. Rodriguez’s ritualized passion for collecting helmets that have been lobbed into the air by the strikers of walk-off home runs.

But, look here Alex: you've now descended to the point where you're stealing helmets off players while they are still on said players’ heads. Moreover, you're stealing helmets even when it’s not a walk-off play! Here we witness Rodriguez wrenching at the helmet of one Mark Teixeira after Teixeira hit a three-run home run in the eighth inning. Teixeira suffered a tragic decapitation in the process.

"Teixeira’s now dead, but Alex got the helmet, and that’s what we’ve actually been paying him for all these years," admitted an unnamed Yankee official yesterday. Other front office staff refused to comment when we pressed them on this scandal, which is now being termed #helmetgate.

All I’m saying is that an intervention is necessary at this point.

#4 – Stance of the Week

And now for the introduction of a new segment: Stance of the Week. Our Stance of the Week this week is stanced by Alex Rodriguez. We’re proud to bring you photographic evidence of this 70-grade stance.

Photo by Richard Mackson/USA Today Sports

I like this stance because A-Rod is announcing to the world that he’s ready for any kind of action. He’s not going to take any guff. You can come at him if you want, but he’s prepared. He’s got a bat, he’s got two fists, and he’s got the wide stance of a Navy SEAL, so he’s more or less ready to take on anything. They named him after Alexander the Great for a reason.

After all, they’ve been bootlegging A-Rod into Street Fighter cartridges for years!

That laidback fighting stance is sweet as hell.

Interval

Texface of the Week (1)

Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

Face of Rod (of the Week) (1)

Photo by Lisa Blumenfeld/Getty Images

#3 – What’s wrong with your face Sir?

Photo by Richard Mackson/USA Today Sports

I’m starting to see a lot of lip action happening in these photos. This is a really alarming development.

Now, regarding this CC Sabathia face moment – I can think of only two things which might have brought this about.

Option one: Sabathia was shown his 18.1% HR/FB ratio. This sight is enough to make any adult’s facial tissues rapidly degenerate to the point where they congeal in random directions and get stuck that way. Who knows how your face will rearrange itself if you keep staring at that cybermetric! My bottom lip is stuck to my forehead right now.

Option two: Alex Rodriguez, infamous face terrorist, approached Sabathia with a tube of Super Glue and affixed Sabathia’s face muscles into the position seen here. I've read reports that after the game Rodriguez stood on a bench in the clubhouse and performed a Seinfeld-esque standup routine about how Super Glue is a rip-off because after you use it once and seal it you can’t re-open it because it glues itself shut.

#2 – Shakespeare

Photo by Adam Hunger/USA Today Sports

"He got down on one knee and serenaded me with my favorite Shakespeare soliloquy – ‘This is the excellent foppery of the world’ from King Lear," said Teixeira. "And that’s when I fell in love with Alex Rodriguez."

#1 – The biggest jerk in the room

Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images

I wouldn’t ever call A-Rod a jerk, but there’s a lot of people that would.

That said, if I asked who the biggest jerk in this photo was, nary a soul would pick A-Rod.

Texface of the Week (2)

Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images

Face of Rod (of the Week) (2)

Photo by Adam Hunger/USA Today Sports

Bri-Bri Faccia of the Week

Photo by Adam Hunger/USA Today Sports