It’s trade season, which is about the time that everybody goes crazy. Well, not actually crazy, but you know what I mean. People like to be all frantic about teams and players and stuff.
Which is understandable, because a good trade (or a bad trade!) can make (or break!) a team. And everybody wants to be the first to report even the most miniature scintilla of news about a potential transaction. This is why reporters were frantically thrusting their cameras at Yankees president Randy Levine’s notebook where he had scribbled the names of a few choice players to pursue.
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Of the names on the list, reporters understandably zeroed in on CC Sabathia, confused why the long-time Yankees starter's name appeared under the 'players to trade for' category. When some tried to explain to Levine that Sabathia was already on the team, he refused to believe them. He then wobbled his way out of the room, yelling "I want Mark Wohlers, get me Mark Wohlers," further confusing the already thoroughly flummoxed media pack.
#5 – You can never leave
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From the New York Daily News:
"And then Larry came out and explained to us Joe’s new policy," McCann told reporters on Sunday. "Starting pitchers won’t be relieved until they’ve given up at least four earned runs. So I told Nate to get back out there and pitch until his arm fell off."
Sniped! of the Week
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RIP in peace Brett Gardner.
#4 – A public service
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Put Chase Headley in the good books. Here he is, trying to jam Stephen Drew's helmet down onto Drew's head – we understand it was an attempt to get it on there so Drew would have to see a specialist to have it removed. A brief 15-day DL stint later and whoops-a-daisy you're off the team! Oh no, how did that happen? I'm so sorry, Stephen – your name must literally have slid off the roster.
Though Headley failed in his attempt to jam said colleague's helmet onto said colleague's head, we nonetheless thank him for his efforts while advising him to leave these kinds of acts of terrorism up to known baseball insurgent Alex Rodriguez.
Interval: A selected moment from the life of Alex Rodriguez
It’s our great pleasure to introduce a new and guaranteed weekly segment A selected moment from the life of Alex Rodriguez. This is where we select a moment from the life of Alex Rodriguez and show it to you. Here, then, is this week’s selected moment, from July 2006:
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#3 – And now, Alex Rodriguez imparts some important infos
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Alex was overheard filling in Bri-Bri on his genius plan to make himself the hero in today’s game against Texas. This plan, alarmingly elaborate in its design, in fact began with last night's game against the Twins:
- Swap out binder pages so Girardi puts in Justin Wilson despite actually meaning to put in Nick Goody;
- Wilson inevitably unleashes a can of crapulence, allowing two runs to score with no outs recorded;
- Dellin Betances must be brought in to contain the situation meaning he can’t be used in the next day's game against Texas;
- Yankees’ lead is blown in game against Texas when non-Betances pitcher pitching the eighth blows lead;
- Alex Rodriguez hits a home run in extras to give the lead back to the Yankees;
- Rodriguez is lauded as hero yet again, receiving many applauses and much pats on back.
See? All an elaborate scam engineered to further his interests.
I sincerely hope this chain of events goes down in today's game.
#2 – Medusa McCann
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It’s not widely known, but Brian McCann is in fact the Medusa. Here he is turning Manny Machado to stone – it’s not really Brian’s fault; after all, Machado made the mistake of looking him in the eye. They still haven’t been able to de-ossify Machado. Nonetheless, he still has more range than approximately eighty percent of the league.
#1 – Voodoo
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From the New York Post:
Malcontent Rodriguez opens new front in fanatical war on baseball
At first glance you might think this is a photograph of three Minnesota Twins outfielders leaping for joy at the conclusion of Friday's ballgame. Perhaps, if you have a more imaginative mind, you submit the theory that they are being winched into the sky by invisible cables pulled by an unfathomably large invisible sky crane, as if some malevolent god were plucking them from Earth by the scruff of their necks.
Both theories are equally plausible, but if you backed either of the two you're about as wrong as it's possible to be.
Disturbing developments have broken today about events following the conclusion of Friday’s game at Target Field.
The photograph doesn’t show men jumping into the air, nor being pulled up via elaborate crane – rather, it shows them levitating in mid-air against their will. And then, moments later, and not pictured here, they disappear.
The fact is, no one has seen these three outfielders – Eddie Rosario, Aaron Hicks, and Shane Robinson – since Friday. They were in the lineup on Saturday and Sunday, but the Post can now reveal that in fact the Twins had contracted actors to play the three men.
No one knew what to make of their disappearance until Federal authorities performed Science Image Enhancing Techniques (SIETs) on the above image, revealing hidden entities lurking on the grassy knoll.
Minions photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images
Yes. Minions. Who are they? What do they want? Why are they here?
They stand there, looking at us. Their eyes menace. They act as one, ready to undermine us. Hiding in every corner, making inaudible noises and flashing invisible gang signs with their hands. They make strange lights appear in the sky. They like bananas.
Investigators had questions: to what extent were Minions involved in this case? Were Minions the cause of the levitation and the subsequent disappearance of the three outfielders?
The trail might have run cold had Alex Rodriguez, baseball’s Robert Durst, not felt the need to interview himself on Periscope and come clean about the events on Friday. Seemingly unprompted, Rodriguez spewed forth a stream of appalling facts.
"I control Minions," Rodriguez truthed.
Alex Rodriguez photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images
"I’ve had power over them since I was born, and they do my bidding," Rodriguez said. "They perform interpretive dance routines of ancient centaur myths when I haven't given them something to do. It's fun."
Rodriguez issued an outline of his plan to use Minions to remove baseball’s best players from the planet, therefore making easier the Yankees' path to the playoffs, before he abruptly shut his phone off.
Federal agents attempted to enter his home in Florida on Sunday evening but when they arrived they found the house was no longer there. A giant pair of Minions' overalls lay in its place.
More on this story as it develops.
Texface of the Week
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