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Yankees Top Five Photos of the Week 6/8/15: An assault on all things holy

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Embarking on this exciting new adventure, we look at punches thrown at players and at the baseball diamond itself. Also examined: the various sins of Alex Rodriguez.

Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

"Photographs don't lie, but liars may photograph." Those words came out of the front of American photographer Lewis Hine’s head, maybe when he was taking this photograph of a baseball team made of child workers in Indiana in 1908, but probably not. What he was trying to say, I think, is that a photo will always show what was there in front of the camera, but it’s up to the photographer to choose where to place that camera and to choose what’s in front of that camera and, in a wider sense, it’s up to people like us to design a historical and social context which that photo will be placed in. And what if we lie about the historical and social context? Then we’re all screwed. Man. What a world. Well, that’s what I’d like to do here.

What follows is a new feature for Pinstripe Alley – Yankees Top Five Photos of the Week, where we present true photographs, debunk the lies about them, and then present you with new lies, lies which are hopefully more convincing than the original ones.

Like this true photo of Chase Headley trapped in the Green Hill Zone from Sonic the Hedgehog.

Chase Headley in the Green Hill Zone

Chase Headley photo by Joe Nicholson/USA TODAY Sports

Who’s to say this didn’t actually happen? Godspeed Chase. Godspeed.

#5 – On to Plan G: Beat the ground into submission

Photo by Otto Greule Jr/Getty Images

Seattle, WA – June 2: Didi Gregorius #18 of the New York Yankees assaulting the ground. "Wouldn’t it just be easier if the ground wasn’t there?" said an exasperated Gregorius after the game. "I don’t know for sure," continued Gregorius, "because maybe the game would be harder that way, but I’m willing to take the chance." Manager Joe Girardi was also approached for comment. "I told him to save up his anger and unleash it on the field. I think he took it a bit too literally."

#4 – Superman punch

Photo by Joe Nicholson/USA TODAY Sports

Continuing the trend of professional wrestling penetrating society like an amoral virus, here we see heel Jose Pirela attempting a Superman punch, the finisher of wet hair vessel Roman Reigns, on Justin Ruggiano. The punch connected, and no one’s seen Ruggiano since. "He sort of just disappeared off the pitch," said a front office person (off-the-record). "His spot in the lineup came and went and nobody noticed."

#3 – Drew’s disease

Photo by Rich Schultz/Getty Images

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

Drew’s disease (DD) is a temporary neurodegenerative disease triggered by giving up two home runs to Stephen Drew. Its onset is sudden, and it enters remission within a few days. Common symptoms are shock, short-term memory loss, loss of motivation, disorientation, and inability to form coherent thoughts. In some cases, all speech, motor ability, and cognitive function becomes severely impaired. Sufferers tend to withdraw from friends, family, and sometimes society at large, usually to a cabin in the woods, or to one of those hyperbaric chambers that was popular in the early 1990s. The cause of Drew’s disease is well understood but is, frankly, unbelievable. "You can’t predict it," said leading media commentator John Sterling.

Drew’s disease can also be triggered when one discovers that Stephen Drew’s middle name is Oris, which isn’t actually a name at all, but more of a sound one makes when trying to talk while chewing cake.

#2 – Crowds, and the People in Them

Photo by Joe Nicholson/USA TODAY Sports

And now we’re thrilled to present a new feature I dearly hope will be a weekly edition in these things: Crowds, and the People in Them.

Is everything okay in society? Are we all okay out there? Because sometimes I’m not so sure.

  • Hey, people holding up giant asterisks: can I interest you in a large stack of baseball almanacs I spotted on eBay, because the eye in the sky has bestowed me with a list of every player ever that has cheated or has otherwise gained an advantage in breaking a rule, and holy hell is there a lot of them. I will supply you with a crate of generic biros if you’re keen to start marking.
  • There is a dude wearing a Guy Fawkes mask in this ballpark and he is cheering for Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees. (There’s a certain amount of delicious irony that this person, wearing a symbol often co-opted by people when protesting the economic system and the disparity between the rich and poor, is a supporter of the New York Yankees.)

Also in this crowd, we have...

  • A woman disgusted by events going on in the throng of people around her;

  • Mr. Incognito;

  • A living, breathing, walking, talking human :D face;

  • and Comedy Central.

Also concerning is the triumvirate of old white men LOOKING DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA.

They’re watching you, A-Rod. They see you. With yer hits. And yer skills. How dare you.

#1 – A-Rod, Master of Xylology

Photo by Adam Hunger/Getty Images

From the March 24, 2037 edition of the Times-Picayune:

Major League Baseball officials are reviewing evidence from a June 2015 game which some claim supports allegations that Alex Rodriguez has control over wood.

The photograph in question would appear to show Mr. Rodriguez causing his bat to levitate and pull towards his outstretched hand.

"It was never the steroids," said Mr. Rodriguez in an interview with the Washington Post last year. "I’ve always had power over wood, and that’s what I used to my advantage.

"I can pull it towards me, and I can push it away from me."

When asked why he didn’t reveal this earlier, Mr. Rodriguez cited fear of reprisal. "They say that some people suffer heart attacks when shocked, and this would be news that would be shocking a lot of people. And in that case I’d be a murderer. And what if the President died? Then it would be treason.

"I’m like the Magneto of wood," Mr. Rodriguez said.

"He’s a wood megalomaniac," said famously irrelevant pundit Bob Costas. "He’s like the Frank Underwood of wood."

There'll be more close readings of photographic life evidence next week. Until then, we’ll leave you with the Texface of the Week.

Photo by Andy Marlin/USA TODAY Sports