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Yankees Top Five Photos of the Week 6/29/15: Avert your gaze from these scary photos

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We have no evidence to support the theory that these photos will give you nightmares, but we have no evidence to disprove that theory either, so I suggest you run while you still can.

Scott Halleran/Getty Images

What is a photograph?

photograph, n. A picture made using a camera, in which an image is focused onto film or other light-sensitive material and then made visible and permanent by chemical treatment, or stored digitally. (Oxford English Dictionary)

Ah. Well, that explains it.

But, troublingly, nowhere in that definition do we find the proper noun "New York Yankees." This, I would submit, is a major omission. Here’s why: if an alien lifeform hovered its way down onto our planet, which is called Earth, and asked what a photograph was, and indeed asked to see a photograph, then I would present it with the five photographs that follow here. And I would say to this alien lifeform, with the aid of a loudspeaker (in this scenario the alien lifeform is hard of hearing), "See these photographs? They document a team call the New York Yankees, and there’s a lot of nonsense happening in these photographs, because the New York Yankees perform an awful lot of nonsense."

The alien lifeform would gaze up at me with a bemused look on its face (in this scenario the alien lifeform is 3’2" and I, for reference, am 6’1") and then it would drop the photos and flee back to its ship and hover back up through the atmosphere and get the hell out of dodge, because it would see what we see in these photographs: horror. Absolute, unmitigated horror.

#5 – What’s in A-Rod’s pocket?

Photo by Troy Taormina/USA Today Sports

It’s time for the new game craze sweeping the nation – What’s in A-Rod’s Pocket? Is it...

  1. A sheriff’s badge
  2. A notebook and miniature pencil where he takes notes during the game for his upcoming memoir Alex Rodriguez: Baseball Adonis – I Was Good at Baseball Even When People Tried to Stop Me Being Good at Baseball
  3. Cards with his phone number on them
  4. Micro Machines (for when he gets bored at the plate)
  5. Phone with "Ha!" app on it, an app which plays a male voice yelling "Ha!" whenever the screen is touched

#4 – The Houston Astros

Photo by Thomas B. Shea/USA Today Sports

It’s our role, now, as journalists, to continue presenting you with evidence of the Houston Astros’ proud tradition of weird butt behavior.

And now, a message from Yankees manager Joe Girardi

Photo by Adam Hunger/USA Today Sports

Producer [off-screen]: "What’re you happy about today, Joe?"

Girardi: "Esmil Rogers is back on the team!"

That was a message from Yankees manager Joe Girardi.

#3 – The most chilling of evidences

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

From the New York Daily News:

The Yankees cried foul play following their game against the Astros yesterday, with some senior members of the team calling shenanigans on events occurring in center field.

Some have even used the word conspiracy to describe the Astros' alleged maneuvering during the game.

Yankees officials are claiming Astros grounds staff replaced Brett Gardner and Garrett Jones with wax equivalents of the players during 4th inning.

"Well, we don’t know where they took the real life Gardner and Jones," GM Brian Cashman said, "but we’d certainly like them back. The wax models are no good to us, and in fact they’ve already melted."

"The evidence is chilling," said manager Joe Girardi, who was wrapped in a number of blankets.

Could this just be an excuse to explain away the mind-bogglingly bad fielding seen in the 4th?

"No," said Girardi.

Witnesses in the crowd claim Gardner and Jones were standing around discussing the second season of True Detective before noticing the ball had landed on the grass, and that once it had landed on the grass Gardner placed a bet with Jones to see how long it could take him to dribble the ball to the wall.

"Impossible," said Girardi. "I know, because I went out there and saw the wax figures. Some of us even ate the wax to make sure it was wax."

"It was tasty wax," said tyrant Alex Rodriguez, before rollerblading out of the visitor’s clubhouse.

The Astros refused to comment.

Seriously though, Gardner does look like he’s been frozen in stone or something.

Is everything okay, Brett? Apparently not.

#2 – "Hello, Operator?"

Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images

"I know!

"Well, I could… I could bring in Betances, yes.

"It’s a save situation, that’s right.

"I agree. I agree with you. I agree that that would be too smart a move. And that’s why–

"That’s right. Too smart. It’s too smart; it’s what they’re expecting.

"Okay, thanks.

"Yes...

"Yep, perfect. I’ll bring in Esmil now."

#1 – Jesus pose

Photo by Thomas B. Shea/USA Today Sports

Here we see Chris Young striking a Jesus pose as he saunters towards the plate. Now, I’m not saying that Chris Young is Jesus. But what I am saying is that if you add the letter ‘t’ to the end of his given name, his name becomes Christ. So he is, then, Christ Young. And that’s why I am arguin–

Wait, what’s that?

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve just uncovered evidence that Christ Young was in fact levitating as he approached home plate.

And if we use computer enhancement techniques (CETs) on this image, we see that now he is in fact levitating in the ether!

This, then, explains how earlier in the week he was seen descending angel-like on Yankee Stadium:

Yankee Stadium photo by Al Bello/Getty Images

Is he Christ incarnate, or is he an einherjar coming down from Valhalla? You decide.

Face of Rod (of the Week)

Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images

Texface of the Week

Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images

Face of Rod (of the Week) (Actually the second of the week)

Photo by Adam Hunger/USA Today Sports