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What’s up with Johnny Cueto’s Instagram?

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Johnny Cueto could soon end up in pinstripes. Plenty has been written about his achievements on the field, but forget about Cueto the pitcher – what of Cueto the man? According to his Instagram, Cueto the man likes reclining. A lot.

Caylor Arnold-USA TODAY Sports

It begins like this: people won’t stop mentioning the proper nouns Johnny Cueto and New York Yankees in the same sentence. The reasons for this are clear and present. It’s trade season and the Yankees are linked to a bunch of big-name players because that’s how these things tend to go. It happens that the Yankees are in fairly legitimate need of starting pitching – the notion that characters like CC Sabathia, Nathan Eovaldi, and Adam Warren will start games in the postseason is a frightening one. Nixing at least one from that motley crew for a pitcher with more ability and more credibility is certainly an appealing prospect.

So what of Cueto, then? He's the holder of a 2.98 ERA (or 3.27 Fielder Independent Pitching, as we prefer). Fangraphs rates him as the 20th best pitcher in the Majors. He's largely considered an ace, and in a fairly narrow sense of the word. He was a scintilla shy of being worth five wins last year.

"Great!" you say. But reign those horses in: he’s presently day-to-day with elbow soreness, which is a thing that happens to pitchers when they pitch a lot. Something of a red flag, then.

Johnny Cueto the pitcher is good and is worth serious attention, providing he’s healthy. But what about Johnny Cueto the man? There’s no cybermetric that can tell me about somebody’s humanness. (I learned that from the dynamic duo of John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman – two veritable fonts of baseball knowledge.) Cueto is a man, not a robot! To know Cueto, we must know who he is.

Which brings us to Johnny Cueto’s Instagram. Social media: the real way to get to know somebody in 2015. And oh boy if Johnny Cueto’s Instagram doesn’t tell us something about how awesome Johnny Cueto is.

Johnny Cueto wears an 80 hat

A photo posted by Johnny Cueto (@johnnycueto47) on

This hat wins the award for most hat. It is an 80 hat. We have arrived at peak hat as a species. Look at it. It’s an animal print cowboy hat. I can think of no occasion where this hat would be unsuitable. Here are some tests:

  • First flight to Mars with human personnel on board, with the objective of starting a human colony there? Hat totally appropriate.
  • Nude shadowboxing routine in hotel room thirty-two minutes before sunrise? Hat totally appropriate.
  • Chairing emergency debt relief negotiations between Greek finance team and IMF representatives? Hat totally appropriate.

See? The hat is a picture of versatility. Well done, hat. Well done.

Johnny Cueto reclines in bed

Buenos días mi gente:Good morning my people.

A photo posted by Johnny Cueto (@johnnycueto47) on

I'm desperate to know the discussion which led to this picture being taken. I'm desperate to know how many takes it took before Mr. Cueto gave the order to publish. You might say it was probably only one take, but I'd like to think it took five or six.

Cueto: "No, no, no... you're holding the camera too straight. It has to look authentic. More janky, more janky!"

Accompanying this image was, of course, the caption: "Good morning my people."


Johnny Cueto does a wheelie while totally free of the burden of safety equipment

I agree – it’s a great idea to pull bike tricks while not wearing a helmet or any other padding. I mean, it’s not like you need to take care of your body in order to do your job. You’re only getting paid $10 million dollars a year! What difference does it make?

Johnny Cueto Instagrams watermarked image of himself

A photo posted by johnny cueto (@cuetojhonny47) on

I always knew he was a closet Getty Images fan. Your secret’s out, Cueto! Give it up!

Johnny Cueto walks around a store

A photo posted by johnny cueto (@cuetojhonny47) on

Johnny Cueto wanted to document that, in a mall somewhere on this beautiful planet of ours, he found a mannequin head wearing a wig with hair similar to his. He knew that we needed to know this and, yes Mr. Cueto, we thank you for sharing.

If only we were fly enough to have people trailing us at all times, ready to take a picture of our backs whenever we demanded it.

And now, three photos of Johnny Cueto reclining in a mildly provocative manner:

Im chilling at my place

A photo posted by johnny cueto (@cuetojhonny47) on

Viendo TV en casita

A photo posted by Johnny Cueto (@johnnycueto47) on

(And finally, in soft focus!)

A photo posted by Johnny Cueto (@johnnycueto47) on

Given this evidence, it’s pretty clear that Johnny Cueto will recline wherever he sits. Moreover, he will recline whenever he pleases. My advice for the Yankees: buy lots of pool chairs and chaise lounges and stock them all up in that clubhouse, because if you’re going to trade for Cueto you can’t expect him to be reclining in regular chairs. They aren’t comfortable enough to recline in. And regular chairs don’t provide enough room for a full recline. If he goes for the signature Cueto legs-open-reclining position in an armchair, there could be an injury. And then the trade would have been for naught!

Listen, we can’t judge. If you were are rich as he is you’d be reclining all over the show too.

Johnny Cueto is busy being rad

Pala calle atibo

A photo posted by Johnny Cueto (@johnnycueto47) on

Yes, he may have spelled his own name wrong in the first Instagram account he opened. But, speaking sincerely for a moment, there’s no denying that Johnny Cueto looks fresh as hell at all times. Is it worth trading good prospects for a player just because he looks cool? Most people would say no.

But I’m an idiot, so I’ll say yes.

Johnny, just a parting word, in case you do end up on this team... don't try to be as cool as this dude. It's simply impossible.