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Yankees Top Five Photos of the Week 6/22/15: So this is what hell is like

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These photos seem to show hell on earth. Can photos be believed? If so, then we're screwed. Hide these photos, and never let them see the light of day.

Al Bello/Getty Images

For many years scientists have wondered if there is in fact a hell.

Okay, so that isn’t actually true. I made that up.

But let me say this (and I should warn you that what follows also isn’t true, at least not true in the strict meaning of the word): the five photos we’ve collected here today are like a window into hell. Nay, a porthole into hell, if you will. Here we have cyborg humans about to unleash an apocalypse. Here we have Alex Rodriguez openly rejoicing at a wanton display of carnage. Here we have Joe Girardi. And if those three things don’t constitute hell then I ask you – what does?

Take Brett Gardner, for instance.

Photo by Adam Hunger/USA TODAY Sports

Yes, that’s Brett Gardner. He was once trapped inside a photo, but we’ve cut him out of the photo and set him free. But what if we bury him in Randy Levine’s head hair?

And now, Brett Gardner tries to escape from Randy Levine's hair

Randy Levine photo by Noam Galai/Getty Images

See? Hell.

Now, have at you.

#5 – Please restart Mason Williams

Photo by Brad Penner/USA TODAY Sports

Article 1 in today’s inquiry into hell: cyborg Mason Williams. Look here, Mason. The jig is up. We know you’re not human. We caught you in this real life photograph. Brett Gardner is walking right by you, but you’re not looking at him. You’re looking past him – it’s unclear at what. What are you looking at, Mason? It was a glitch in your programming, yes? Give it up. We know the truth.

Let’s do a CSI: Crime Scene Investigation-style enhancement on this image (if we’re being honest, just zooming in and cropping, increasing the brightness and decreasing the contrast a bit, and then giving the image a slight blur to buff out all the fugly artifacting):

See? He’s not even looking at him! Now, a Zapruder film-like analysis of his line of sight is the smoking gun we need to prove our case:

This evidence is about as irrefutable as it is possible for evidence to be.

I spoke to eminent scienceman Dr. A. Rasmussen about this, and here’s what he had to say.

When the cyborgs stop looking at us in the eyes, it means one of two things – either their internal mechanisms have failed, or their plot to enslave the human race has been set into motion. What you are seeing in this chilling image is Mason Williams entering broadcast mode. He is sending a message out to the robot hive mind, and then he is receiving the orders back from the robot hive mind, and when the transmission is complete, his eyes will unfreeze and he will rise to take his place as the cyborg king. I am sorry to say it may already be too late for humankind.

As this chilling investigation reveals, our days are numbered.

#4 – Wasteland

Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images

Alex Rodriguez #13 of the New York Yankees celebrates the carnage before him as the umpire, Brett Gardner #11 of the New York Yankees, and Justin Verlander #35 of the Detroit Tigers are sniped from the stands during their game at Yankee Stadium on June 19, 2015 in New York City. Curiously, Rodriguez was the only player who came away from the game unscathed. When asked why he shrieked in delight at the human suffering, Rodriguez said: "I just like it when crazy stuff goes down, man."

#3 – Woah

Photo by Steve Mitchell/USA TODAY Sports

up in that grill, though

Interval: Crowds, and the People in Them 3

Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

On the back of last week’s Crowds, and the People in Them 2, which was a sequel to Crowds, and the People in Them from two weeks ago, I present you Crowds, and the People in Them 3: Struggles. This week, we focus on struggles. Namely, the struggle to catch a home run ball.

Baseballs. So rare. So hard to find. No possible way to get a baseball other than by catching it at a ballpark. It’s easy to understand, then, why the struggle to catch them is so real. Hell, baseballs are so rare even the outfielders are pocketing them ten or fifteen times a game. (Fly outs are really just elaborate baseball collection schemes.)

Many people fight valiantly to score a ball. Most miss out. But they shouldn’t dwell in sorrow, because if nothing else the losers will always have participation trophies. It’s time to award the coveted MOST STRUGGLE® prize.

And the winner is:

Congratulations, sir!

When asked for comment, the man burst into tears. His family asked that we give him time to come to terms with his failure to catch the fly ball. We hope to bring you a comment from him next week.

#2 – Texface of the Week

Photo by Steve Mitchell/USA TODAY Sports

Last week we asked if the Texfaces were really necessary. This week we discover he even makes faces while he’s sitting still. There’s no stopping this man. I give up.

#1 – Old man strikes a (fake) forlorn facial expression as he turns his back on a situation he has the power to make better yet willingly decides to make worse

Photo by Gregory J. Fisher/USA TODAY Sports

Joe Girardi, pictured after handing the ball to a scrub with the Yankees down a run. It could be Esmil Rogers. It could be David Carpenter. It could be any other bad pitcher he could get his hands on. Who knows which one of those three it actually is, but certainly it was one of them. Because, despite the fact it’s a one run game, the Yankees sure ain’t leading, so there’s no possible way a good pitcher would be allowed to enter to hold the deficit to one.

"It was a one run game," said Girardi. "What are you going to do? We're only the eighth best offensive side in the Majors. We can't chase down that kind of lead."

Listen Cashman, you better not give Girardi any other horrible bullpen options. Shut it down and lock it down; I don’t care if every relief pitcher’s arm drops off – you aren’t allowed to sign anybody because there’s a solid chance you’ll be tempted to sign somebody bad. Imagine the possibilities. Joe Buck in Game 7:

"Welcome back, folks. In case you’re just joining us, it’s Game 7 of the World Series, top of the 7th, Yankees trail by one... Jamie Moyer coming in to relieve starter Michael Pineda..."

Sweet fancy Madonna. Somebody burn all the checkbooks before something bad happens.

Face of Rod (of the Week)

Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images

And now, Brett Gardner tries to escape the apocalypse

Apocalypse (?) photo by Paul Gilham/Getty Images