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Shaving off years: The "How Old" meme and the Yankees' no-beard policy

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All your dreams are made when you're chained to the mirror and the razor blade... and not doing cocaine.

Andrew Miller now hums "I Feel Pretty" as he pitches. True story.
Andrew Miller now hums "I Feel Pretty" as he pitches. True story.
Brad Penner-USA TODAY Sports

If you've been on the Internet within the past 48 hours, you've probably noticed people clogging up your various Twitter/Facebook/Instagram/Xanga feeds with people posting pictures with the recent "How Old" meme. It's a very simple concept: The website determines how old the person in the uploaded photo appears to be using some arbitrary algorithm. It's nothing new and far from the first time this type of age-evaluator has popped up on the ol' information superhighway, but the Internet collectively decided to make it a thing again for one reason or another. Typical.

One amusing factor I noticed the other day is that it really does not like facial hair. That's hardly surprising since thick mustaches and beards are typically associated with older people. A good shave can make you appear a lot younger. Just ask Andrew Miller, who was forced to destroy that weird thing on his face when he departed the Orioles and joined the Yankees last off-season:

Miller shave

Eleven years off the looks, just like that! Of course, it certainly helps that Miller resembles that dude you had Econ 101 with back in the day and asked if you were into Relient K.

How have other Yankees looked after shaving?

Jason Giambi

Giambi How-Old

The Giambino was known for his kinda-grody biker dude look with the Athletics, but after shaving, he no longer scared children. So that's a plus. I think.

Johnny Damon

Damon How-Old

God, those Jesus beard comparisons were stupid as hell. That Yankees picture was actually from when Damon was three years older than he was in 2003, and yet he looks six years younger.

David Wells

Wells How-Old

I'm not sure if Boomer ever looked young in his life, but the the nasty beard he wore with the White Sox didn't do him any favors. After re-joining the Yankees in 2002, he went back to the simple mustache, and that looked a lot better. Wells is one of the few players I don't really want to envision without a mustache, so he can keep that. It'd be too disconcerting without it.

Roger Clemens

Clemens How-Old

Reminder: Roger Clemens will turn 53 this year, and that picture with the Blue Jays was snapped in like 1998. Yeesh.

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It works negatively the other way, too. Just ask these former Yankees who look a lot older now that they're rebelling without their old team's policy in place:

Robinson Cano

Cano How-Old

STOP THIS NONSENSE, ROBBIE. IT'S ENTIRELY THE REASON YOU'RE HITTING .253!

David Robertson

D-Rob How-Old

#HighSocks4Razors

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If you need any further proof about the benefits of the razor... I mean...

Joba How-Old

I rest my case. Shave it off, dudes.