Yankee Stadium, Tuesday Afternoon. Hal Steinbrenner, Randy Levine and Yankees Assistant GM Jean Afterman are sitting at a conference table. They are awaiting the arrival of maligned third baseman Alex Rodriguez for a meeting, of sorts.
Randy Levine: Alex sent me a text that he's outside. Should I invite him on in?
Brian Cashman: You haven't blocked his number yet? He kept sending me his workout videos and cat pictures. I couldn't take it anymore. Yeah, send him on in.
After a few moments, Rodriguez bounds in with his lawyer, Jim Sharp
Alex Rodriguez: Hiiiii guys! I'm so glad you agreed to meet me. Before we begin, I brought presents!
Jean Afterman: That's really not...
Jim Sharp: Mr. Rodriguez insisted. You each get an "I'm Sorry Teddy Bear" and Alex baked macaroons. The bouquet of posies is for Mr. Steinbrenner.
Hal Steinbrenner: Thanks?
Rodriguez: You're welcome. I just felt so sorry about all those little fibs I told, I knew I had to get you guys something. Let bygones, be bygones, right?
Cashman: Alex, we're still planning on trying to void your six million dollar milestone bonus.
Rodriguez: Don't be such a sourpuss. I bet once you try one of those macaroons you'll think differently.
Levine: A couple a meaningless presents isn't going to erase all that you did. Let me remind you, on top of all the lies and steroid use you tried to sue the team for malpractice.
Rodriguez: Hey, my hip really hurt. You know how pain can make you cranky. It's not THAT big a deal.
Cashman: You made us and the organization look really bad.
Rodriguez: Sure, but what about all those sweet dingers I hit? Those were good times, right? Hey, who wants to see my last batting practice session!?
Cashman: Alex, could at least try to pay attention? This relationship is irreparably damaged. If you don't play well, we might just choose to release you.
Rodriguez: That's crazy. What team would be stupid enough to release their starting third baseman?
Levine: ...you know we resigned Chase Headley, right?
Rodriguez: That dude from the Phillies? Fine, shortstop it is. Now that you finally got that poseur out of here you can see how a real shortstop plays!
Rodriguez stretches and his hips crack like fireworks
Cashman: Yeah...we're not doing that. Listen, how about you just give us your official apology and try to focus on training to hit exclusively before Spring Training kicks off. The more time you spend away from here, the better.
Rodriguez: Alrighty then. Jim, hand me my guitar!
Levine: Oh no!
Rodriguez begins strumming on an acoustic guitar, making foreign, ear-piercing sounds.
Rodriguez: This isn't an original work, but I thought the words summed up perfectly how I felt.
A-Rod begins singing the lyrics to Extreme's "More Than Words"
Rodriguez: "What would you do if my heart was torn in twooo?"
Cashman: Alright, alright, that's enough! We get it, you're sorry. Just for the love of all that is good just stop singing!
Rodriguez: I'm glad to see we could all come together as friends again. I can't wait to be back at third base!
Steinbrenner: Just go home. And try not to do anything stupid until April, okay?