clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Pinstripe Q&A: Hypnotizing the Yankees

"When you wake up Joe Girardi, every time I snap my fingers, you will stop considering calling for the intentional walk."

Greg M. Cooper-USA TODAY Sports

I think everyone wants the Yankees to do things, even if just a little differently. (Some people want them to do a lot differently, but that's not what this post is about.) The odds of anyone reading this going on to be a part of the Yankees' organization is rare. But what if you could secretly make things different?

Q: This past Sunday (January 4th) was World Hypnotism Day. If you could hypnotize any Yankee player and/or front office person, who would you hypnotize and what would you have them do?


A-Rod. Retire.

Figuring that's already taken, my second choice would be to hypnotize Brian Cashman and make him hire me to crunch numbers for trade evaluations. I think it would be unspeakably cool to be on the inside: to know what stats and metrics the Yankees have that aren't publicly available; to be up to the minute on all the latest trade gossip and know which deals were being considered, how they evolved, and whether they were accepted or rejected; to get the Yankees scouting reports on their own players and on their rivals.


I would hypnotize A-Rod and convince him his true calling is to move to Seychelles and start a new life there. There's a good chance he'd instantly be the most popular Seychelles baseball hero, though it'd be funny if it turned out Jeter bought the country.


I would hypnotize Hal Steinbrenner into selling me his stake in the team. Not saying I wouldn't run the team into the ground, but boy would it be fun.


I would hypnotize Didi Gregorius and have him improve his plate discipline. For whatever reason, it really fell off of a cliff last year, and played a role in his poor offensive performance.


I'd hypnotise Hal into becoming a huge free-spender. Or, you know, naming me majority owner for a nominal sum (free).

Assuming I couldn't reach Hal in time because of difficulty tracking down his yacht, I'd hypnotize A-Rod. I wouldn't even make him retire or anything like that, I'd just ask a group of grown-ups (probably best if it isn't me) to make all his decisions going forward. It'll be better for everyone that way, especially A-Rod. I may first commandeer some of the $350 million he has already made from his baseball career, but only some. And none of his off-field commercial income. I'm not a monster.


Stephen Drew. Every time he sees his name in the lineup he's magically taken back to 2010 but in a Yankee uniform this time.


I think I'd go with Rob Thomson. Since they seem intent on keeping him, perhaps hypnotize him into using logic and reasoning instead of his usual drunk-flailing.


I guess the obvious answer would be hypnotize A-Rod to retire. Or hypnotize Randy Levine to invest in a nice hat. But in light of recent events I'll go with hypnotizing Joe Girardi to realize that just because Stephen Drew is on the roster does not mean he needs to play 140 games. Or any games.

Matt F.

As already mentioned, getting Alex Rodriguez to retire would probably be the most optimal use of hypnotism. And there's other player personnel-type things you could do that would be helpful, but if I could hypnotize people, I would probably just use it for mischief. For one, I would do the old magic show hypnotism trick of making Mark Teixeira think he was a chicken.

As for another one, there's a once funny, now horrifying story from Scottish soccer where a player suffered a concussion. The trainers reported back to the manager saying that the player didn't know who he was. The manager responded "Tell him he's Pele and get him back on." I would hypnotize Stephen Drew into thinking he was Babe Ruth. Not because it would make him any better, because it would be funny to see him walking around actually thinking he was the living, human embodiment of Babe Ruth.

Now that you've seen our answers, it's your turn. Would you use hypnotism for good and try and help the Yankees? Or would you just make Mark Teixeira act like a chicken?