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Brian Cashman lives to see another season

It was a much closer decision than the "lamestream" media would have you think. Here's the inside story on how the deal went down to decide to keep the Yankees general manager on board.

The Star-Ledger-US PRESSWIRE

Deep, deep within the the Earth's crust and directly beneath Yankee Stadium, a shadowy group of figures wrapped in pinstriped cloaks enter a giant, darkened hall. Muffled screams can be heard beyond the walls. The figures take their seats on a massive dais overlooking a circle of lit candles placed on the floor. The figure at the center of the platform blows a massive horn.

Hal Steinbrenner: Let this emergency meeting of the "Cabal of Yankees Overseers" commence! Have "The Disgraced One" bring in the accused.

Alex Rodriguez enters hunched over and drooling while pulling Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman in chains.

Alex Rodriguez: Here he is, benevolent Dark Lords. Did the A-Rod do good?

Hal Steinbrenner: Yes it did. Leave us now, and take this for your troubles.

/tosses Rodriguez an unmarked bottle of pills

Rodriguez: Mmm, my precioussss...

Randy Levine: Brian Cashman: you stand accused of squandering millions of dollars in player salary, missing the playoffs and tarnishing the glorious name of the New York Yankees. How do you plead?

Brian Cashman: Oh crap, this is a trial? I thought we were discussing the possibility of an extension!

Hal Steinbrenner: Foolish GM! When you sign on with the Yankees, we hold the right to literally terminate you!

Maniacal laughter fills the hall

Cashman: Not guilty, I guess? Can't I have a lawyer or something?

Levine: Psssh, lawyers. You humans and always asking for "proper representation".

Hal Steinbrenner: You will defend yourself alone against the inquisitions of the tribunal. Question one: is it true that you are the one that signed 37 year-old Carlos Beltran and 39 year-old Ichiro Suzuki to multi-year deals?

Cashman: I guess technically. But I thought you guys were all on board...

Levine: SILENCE! We are not on trial here! Did you also opt to give CC Sabathia a contract extension? And trade for the corpse of Stephen Drew?

John Sterling: I think Cash has been writing checks his derriere can't cash!

Cashman: Good god, you put Sterling on this tribunal!?

Hal Steinbrenner: Do not besmirch "The Voice of the Yankees". Besides, the guy gets lonely. We just wanted him to feel included.

Jessica Steinbrenner: Isn't there a game going on today?

Cashman: Yes there is! Did Girardi have to go through all this?

Hal Steinbrenner: Enough! Damn it, we always get off track during these things. Brian Cashman: we will now contact the spirits from beyond in order to decide your fate.

Cashman: You can't seriously be planning on...

Levine: Oh yes! Powerful and benevolent spirit of George M. Steinbrenner III, please guide us with your wisdom. Bring in....THE OUIJA BOARD!

Cashman: OH COME ON! This is worse than the dowsing rod the Phillies use to make decisions.

The figures circle around a dingy old Quija board

All: Oh great and powerful boss, tell us what to do with the...

The door bursts open, revealing Hank Steinbrenner riding a donkey with a cases of beers in tow.

Hank Steinbrenner: Alright, now we can get this party started. WOOOOOOO!

Hal Steinbrenner: One: you are late. Two: I told you multiple times this WASN'T a party. Three: where the hell are your pants!?

Cashman: You know what, I'm just gonna go. I'll just assume I still have my job.

Levine: Wait, we've almost got this thing working...aww, forget it. We'll fax you over the paperwork. We never get to have any fun.

Sterling: Looks like Brian isn't flyin' a new team!

Everyone groans in unison