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What really happened at that meeting?

Sure, it was supposed to be "closed-door". But nothing is ever truly done in secret.

Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Much was made of the dressing down that Yankees Manager Joe Girardi gave his disappointing squad on the day of Derek Jeter's Yankee Stadium finale. Whether it was helpful or not remains to be seen, but the bottom line is such an occurrence is never a good thing. But what exactly transpired at this meeting? It didn't take long for word to leak about the meeting, and wouldn't you know it but a nameless party uploaded a transcript of the juicy affair.

Joe Girardi stands in the center of the Yankees locker room, his hand on his hips. His face weathered by the frustrations of another playoff-less season in New York

Joe Girardi: Well I hope you guys are proud of yourself. We've missed the playoffs yet again. And I can't help but wonder if it's because you guys just don't give a damn anymore. What we have here is a bunch of overpaid, self-satisfied layabouts who lack the hunger to get the job done!

Jose Pirela: Since I'm making the league minimum does that mean I can leave?

Girardi: NO! You're all staying to get a piece of my mind. If there's something I can't stand, it's a lack of effort. This team has gotten complacent and I won't stand for it.

Several players enter holding a giant painting of Derek Jeter and a Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake

All: For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for...


Brett Gardner: (tearing up) We just wanted to say goodbye to Derek...

Girardi: It can wait until I've said my peace. See, it's stuff like this. We just got eliminated and everyone wants to celebrate and eat cake!

Mark Teixeira: Probably shouldn't be eating that stuff anyways. I suggest a smoothie with a kale base and...

Girardi: You're part of the problem, Mark! You fancy veterans need to be setting an example for the younger players. I mean, why the hell is there a caviar fountain in the middle of the locker room!?

Carlos Beltran: We needed to put something on our melba toast, ya know.

Girardi: That's going immediately! And no more butlers and personal chefs are allowed in here or near the dugout! We're going to stop with this privileged crap and back to what it means to being New York Yankees. Hard-nosed, tough play with a side of gritty determination! With even more bunting!

Everyone groans

Schmalex Schrodriguez: I think he's right, gang! We need to get back to the things that made us champions in the past! What we need is...

Girardi: For the last time, Alex, you're not allowed to be in here yet. And take off the fake mustache, you look like an ass.

Rodriguez slowly slinks away

Girardi: You know what? Fine, have your little celebration. But hear this: things are going to change around here. Just you watch, I'm going to wring every last bit of effort that I can out of you people next season if it's the last thing I do.

Girardi stomps off

Jacoby Ellsbury: Wow, he seemed really pissed.

Brian McCann: Yeah...we don't REALLY have to get rid of the fountain, do we?