As many of us prepare to eat with our families this Christmas, it's time for this week's edition of Pinstripe Q&A. This week, I asked the PSA staff about what's going down at the Yankees' Christmas party.
Q: It's the season of giving, so who is giving who what in the Yankees' gift exchange?
Joe Girardi is giving Nathan Eovaldi and Didi Gregorius personalized ornaments with their cool new nicknames, Valdy and Gory.
Brendan Ryan is giving A-Rod his hip. That seems to be the greatest contribution he can make to earn his $2 mil next year.
Brian McCann is giving everyone samples from his effective and economical line of cleaning products.
Hal Steinbrenner isn't giving anyone anything. He plans to save up now and give out some really awesome gifts in 2017.
I'm hoping that every Yankee gets the brand-new body part they're looking for this Holiday season. Masahiro Tanaka gets a new elbow, CC Sabathia gets a new knee, Carlos Beltran gets a new Carlos Beltran, Mark Teixeira gets a new wrist, and A-Rod gets new hips. How does that sound, Santa?
Brett Gardner is giving pie, Tex is giving juice, Jeter is giving STDs. Duh.
Do all the Yankees even know each other yet? I feel like with all the new faces, there's going to be someone who gets forgotten. Did somebody buy something for Garrett Jones? Anybody? Crikes. Somebody see if Jeter left a gift basket laying around.
But I bet CC Sabathia is a pretty fantastic gift giver. He seems to be the Yankee most regularly spotted at charity events with celebrities or courtside at big sports events. I bet he puts together a pretty sweet gift basket of tickets.
Hiroki Kuroda basically got the entire team hooked on Japanese candy. So presents from him are probably good.
The real question is: what is Paul O'Neill giving to his broadcast partners to make up for the fact that he sometimes checks out of the game?
Joe Girardi - Giving Rob Thomson a "Third Base Coaching for Dummies" book.
Larry Rothschild - Gave Brian Cashman a Rolex for putting an infield defense behind his pitcher with the acquisitions of Didi Gregorius and Chase Headley.
Mark Teixeira - Concerned with his teammates health gave everybody honey and gift certificates to Juice Press.
[Insert Tex JuicePress gift certificate joke here]
McCann is sending everyone Mr. Clean to remind them of his bald head and the fact that they need to clean up their acts and respect the game.
A-Rod is sending Miller, Eovaldi, Gregorius, Jones, and Wilson welcome baskets. They contain bottles of Chianti, Dunkaroos, a mix CD that just contains 17 tracks of "Informer" by Snow, and coupons to a tanning salon that they will never dare to use. Oh and he's also sending them to Tanaka, Ellsbury, Beltran, and McCann since he doesn't realize they aren't new anymore.
"The party was festive, the room filled with cheer.
When Jeter walked over with gifts quite sincere.
He thanks all his teammates. He hugged everyone.
As he had his minions bring in Cinnabons.
Albeit confused, the Yankees did eat.
No doubt it was a delectable treat.
Then who should appear but Santa himself
And Phil Hughes, who was dressed like an elf.
But something was wrong. His mouth was taped up.
Sabathia then looked at Santa closeup.
"Nunez" he said. Yes there was no doubt.
The Yankees asked what he was doing about.
He opened his bag without any cares
And gave everyone some plush TC Bears.
They all said "Thanks" and Ed just smiled.
"I've won them over with my awesome guile!"
The party would go on all through the night.
Even Hughes would join in, despite Nuney's blight.
So at Pinstripe Alley, all the writers do say
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good day!"
Mark Teixeira is giving everyone a bundle of kale and an awkward smile/handshake combo.
Chase Headley received his gift first a few days ago: a giant pile of money. Yankee fans gave Didi Gregorius a Derek Jeter Fathead to remind him of who he's replacing. (Even though the 2014 version of Jeter wasn't great. But, hey Kermit/tea "none of my business" and all that.) Thankfully, Alex Rodriguez gave Gregorios an Alex Rodriguez Fathead, so maybe Didi can like cover the Jeter one up or something so he's not unnerved. As other people have suggested, Mark Teixeira was gonna give everyone JuicePress gift certificates, but Tex couldn't help himself and used them all up before he could distribute them. The new Yankees have distributed pamphlets about themselves to the rest of the team. They contain fun facts like "Justin Wilson was a member of the 2008 Fresno State NCAA Baseball Champions" and "Didi Gregorius was knighted by the Netherlands" and "Andrew Miller is a secular wiccan."* Eduardo Nunez will gift the team his presence by returning to the Yankees someway, somehow and oh God he's just crashed a blimp into Yankee Stadium.
* - As far as I know, Andrew Miller is not wiccan.
So, those are our answers. What do you think is happening at the Yankees' gift exchange? Let us know in the comments.