So it turns out that Alex Rodriguez was super guilty of using performance enhancing drugs provided to him by super scumbag Tony Bosch and the Biogenesis crew. Obviously we were all shocked that this paragon of honesty and integrity had been fibbing when he vehemently denied taking prohibited substances in the last few years, but I guess we'll just have to pick up the shattered pieces of our baseball lives and move on. When discussing the latest A-Rod "revelations", one plucky young PSA contributor suggested that Alex must have some really crummy advisers for all the stupid decisions he seems to make. Well wouldn't you know, it seems an intrepid individual taped a microphone and an old Walkman to Rodriguez's back and taped a super secret meeting that took place between he and his inner circle. We've acquired the ape and a transcript of the recording follows:
Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez: Alright guys, there's good news and bad news. The good news is I'm officially a Yankee again. And now that the shortstop position is finally vacant, I'm totally going to be back right where I belong.
Rodriguez begins to speak much louder to drown out the sounds of his creaking hips.
The bad news is my testimony got revealed to the public, so now my fans that worship me now know that I took a buttload of steroids. I've brought you here, the last of my trusted advisors, to formulate a plan. How do I get out of this scot-free?
Jose Canseco: I suggest a tell-all novel and reality show. Say someone else was the true baseball connection to Biogenesis and you were just the unknowing stooge. Draw attention away from yourself. Everyone would predict you would do it to Jeter, so throw a curveball and say it was...how about Mariano Rivera! Oooh, or Yogi Berra! People love that weird old guy.
A-Rod: Not bad, not bad. Make someone else the villain for a while. How about you?
Emperor Palpatine: Introduce more and more players to steroids. Pull them over to your side. How can they demonize you when PEDs are so prevalent? Slip some horse steroids into Mike Trout's Gatorade. Try to influence the younger players with your stature. Try the "all the cool kids are doing it" line. Kill Jacoby Ellsbury with force lightning.
A-Rod: I'm not so sure about the last part, but the rest of it sounds pretty good. Your turn, buddy.
Guy A-Rod Bought Coffee From This Morning: Umm, I'm sorry but this all sounds kind of personal and I just met you today at Starbucks. My name's Jerry, by the way.
A-Rod: C'mon, Jimmy. I don't have a lot of people I can trust any more. I need advice! Besides, I did tip you 500 dollars. Help me out here.
Jerry the Barista: Well...how about you just come clean about everything, and then just go about your business quietly?
Entire group erupts with laughter
Canseco: Hahaha, yeah, okay kid. Whatever you say.
Rodriguez: Ah, I needed a good laugh. How about you?
Magic 8-Ball Taped to a Scarecrow: .....
Rodriguez: Oh, right...
A-Rod shakes the 8-ball
Rodriguez: Outlook uncertain!? I could have come up with that! Damn it, none of you guys are helping me at all! You're as useless as that Tacopino guy! Why can't all of this just go away and everyone love me again?
Emperor Palpatine: Good, good. Let the hate flow through you.
Rodriguez: Shut up you wrinkled old fart!
A-Rod picks up Palpatine and throws him down a laundry chute
Rodriguez: No...there's only one person. One great person who I can trust now. The person who will always love me for who I am.
Rodriguez is now staring into a full length mirror
Rodriguez: That's right, buddy. We're going to get through this. Once those fans see you out on the field hitting fifty dingers they'll forget all about these minor transgressions. They'll want to retire your number for sure. A little pee never hurt anybody.
Rodriguez begins hugging the mirror.
Canseco: What a freaking moron.
Canseco goes back to scratching his back with a Beretta.