As Yankee fans, I want/assume that the Yankees players and staff spend every waking moment hanging out with each other. It's probably not true, but I choose to believe that they are planning a Thanksgiving feast as we speak. I decided to ask the PSA staff how they would plan a Very Yankee Thanksgiving dinner.
Q: You are having Thanksgiving dinner with the Yankees. Who are you assigning to make each part of the meal (turkey/pies/etc)?
I'm basically giving the Southerners all the real work at my Thanksgiving- because Thanksgiving is really all about the sides. The California boys can bring something green. The hardest was figuring out who to have cook the bird. Obviously, of all time Yankees, if you need a bird dealt with, you'd invite Randy Johnson.
Cook the Turkey: Joe Girardi, when you're cooking a big meal like this, you need someone who will take care of the main course by the book. No surprises this way.
Be the Turkey: Tex
Cranberry Sauce: Michael Pineda, just doesn't strike me as the type to cook. So the cranberry will still have the ridges from the can.
Mashed Potatoes: Dellin Betances, so long as he leave the peels on.
Brussel Sprouts: CC Sabathia
Stuffing: Brian McCann, cause he'd make the stuffing the right way!
Cornbread: David Robertson, please, what else are you going to have the guy from Alabama bring for Thanksgiving?
Pie: Gardner, duh
Drinks: The McCarthys
Tex can't bring a dish. I don't trust him to make something that has the potential to be unhealthy, which is what Thanksgiving food is all about. Is kale-layered tofurky a thing?
Brett Gardner's on wine-pouring duty, though I suppose I must consider that he might dump the wine bottles on the guests. Not saying I'd oppose it...
-I think we should all be in agreement that Mark Teixeira will be bringing in the beverages: juice for all.
-Derek Jeter will be making the turkey and sit at the end of the table and nobody will even dare of suggesting someone else sit there.
-Brett Gardner and Jacoby Ellsbury will make the pies. Gardner will make the apple pie, Ellsbury the pumpkin one.
-Brian McCann will make the potato salad.
Mark Teixeira will make a nutritious kale and avocado salad - everyone will tell him it looks great, but it will sit there on the table, awkwardly untouched.
Brian Cashman will acquire the turkey - in exchange for David Phelps and John Ryan Murphy.
Brett Gardner will make the gravy - to be dumped over the turkey in celebratory fashion.
David Robertson will be asked to close things out with dessert, but will consider making dessert for other parties instead. If necessary, Dellin Betances will step in admirably.
Alex Rodriguez will not be invited...but will show up anyway.
Pies: Mark Teixeira
Turkey: Joe Girardi
Mashed Potatoes: Brian McCann
Stuffing: Michael Pineda
Sweet Potatoes: Alex Rodriguez
Gravy: Chris Young
Biscuits: John Ryan Murphy
Green Bean Casserole: CC Sabathia
I would have CC Sabathia make the turkey and Brian McCann make the mashed potatoes. David Robertson looks like he could bake a good pie. Mark Teixeira would probably show up with something like sweet potato and kale smoothies. A-Rod could bring canned cranberry sauce.
Sabathia will definitely take care of the turkey. Teixeira can be in charge of the stuffing. Jeter will make his "clutch cranberry sauce" with real cranberries, walnuts, and orange zest. A-Rod, to be different, will show up with canned cranberry sauce and a couple of whole lobster. Whether they are cooked or not will depend on his mood. Gardner will handle the Pumpkin Pie while Ellsbury makes sure the rolls are warm and the butter is soft. Brian McCann will bring a big Virginia Ham just to shake it up a bit. Finally, Nunez will totally be that guy who shows up with paper plates and napkins and proceeds to eat all the food.
CC and Pineda are in charge of the Turkeys.
McCann and Dellin are responsible for the cakes, mostly because they will be big enough to fend off CC and Pineda should they ever decide to relapse into their chunkier days.
Gardner and Ellsbury will deal with salads and stuffing.
Tex is responsible for the juices and honey drizzled biscuits.
The McCarthys can make the pies, (It's almost too easy to picture hijinks straight out of an episode of "I Love Lucy".)
Masahiro Tanaka can just relax and sit at the head of the table, he carried the team half the season
Girardi will also make stuffing, but he will do so in the most excessively convoluted way imaginable because the binder commands him to.
Turkey: Brian Cashman is going to try to make the turkey. He made it last year and it tasted pretty good, but the rest of the family criticized him for not letting "the kids get a chance" to make it, so a five-year old child will make it this year. It will be horrible.
Stuffing: Masahiro Tanaka makes amazing stuffing, but no matter how good it is, he always says how it "wasn't good enough" and "needs to work harder on it". Chill out, you're great.
Green beans: A-Rod will make these. It's pretty hard to screw up with something so simple like green beans? /Daily News runs story on The Thanksgiving Green Bean Scandal on 11/28
Gravy: CC Sabathia will whip this one up with his homemade recipe: butter, flour, onions, salt, pepper, and two cups of knee fluid.
Drinks: "Smoothies for everybody!" - Mark Teixeira /everyone groans
Pie: A.J. Burnett shows up uninvited with just a whipped cream pie and a towel.
Entertainment: Brendan Ryan will do impressions and Brandon McCarthy will live tweet the event.
Brett Gardner seems like someone who has deep-fried a turkey before, so I'm leaving him in charge of that.
While CC Sabathia probably can't eat one due to his diet, I trust that he knows how to make a good pie.
Brendan Ryan will be in charge of all the side dishes, but he isn't quite trustworthy enough to be trusted with the turkey or any other vital part of the meal.
Should any of the items be burned or ruined in some way, David Robertson will "save" the day (puns, you guys) by bringing a back up just in case.
Mark Teixeira will under no circumstances be allowed to bring anything and will only be setting the table.
Those are our answers, so now it's your turn. Who will be making what at your Yankee Thanksgiving?