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It's 2014 now, and that means it's New Year's resolution time. There are sure to be plenty to go around, unless the Yankees want to miss the playoffs again. Like most resolutions, these are almost sure to be broken by the end of January, but what are the Yankees' respective plans?
CC Sabathia
Coat everything with bread crumbs and regain that Captain Crunch form.
Derek Jeter
Set up confidentiality agreements for all apartment guests and be more careful about who receives spare keys. Also invest in bionic ankle.
Alex Rodriguez
Figure out what the hell your life is and unfriend Randy Levine on Facebook. Perhaps inquire on hip transplants.
Randy Levine
Unfriend self from Yankees' front office.
Brian Cashman
Be more cognizant of when exactly you're talking on the record.
Hal Steinbrenner
Recognize how little we care about your profit margins. Set "Plan 189" binder on fire.
Joe Girardi
Embrace mob boss persona over binder.
Mark Teixeira
Great job @jamieoliver and Food Revolution Day! Enjoying my @thejuicepressny in support. #frd2013 @Jmacjmacnyc pic.twitter.com/QCWFWt8Ka6
— Mark Teixeira (@teixeiramark25) May 17, 2013
Stop. Just stop.
Brian McCann
Prove hair is overrated.
Jacoby Ellsbury
Troll all the naysayers by hitting 20 homers and staying healthy all year, avoid other players' knees, and go interrogate the person that programmed "Tacoby Bellsbury" as your nickname on Baseball-Reference.
Brett Gardner
Drink extra milk to strengthen the bones.
Brian Roberts
Take notes from Gardner and don't be as useless as Kevin Youkilis.
Carlos Beltran
Hit like it's 2004, not 2014.
Brendan Ryan
Hit.
Alfonso Soriano
More dingers!
Ichiro Suzuki and Vernon Wells
Retire with some grace.
Ivan Nova
Actually be the best pitcher in the world.
Hiroki Kuroda
David Robertson
Find a better entrance song than "Sweet Home Alabama." C'mon, D-Rob, you're trying to intimidate hitters, not make them feel upbeat.
Michael Pineda
Pitch a regular season game for the Yankees. Please.
Shawn Kelley
Take a page from the book of D-Rob and ditch the walks.
Matt Thornton
Acknowledge that lefties are allowed to get righthanded hitters out too. It's not against the rules.
Preston Claiborne
Don a monocle. Just once. Also don't collapse in the second half again.
David Phelps
Stop releasing gospel albums and focus on pitching.
Vidal Nuno
Work on that mugshot, bro.
Dellin Betances
A short list of only mildly-accomplished pitchers younger than you: Jarrod Parker, Joe Kelly, Chris Tillman. You can still make it!
Gary Sanchez, Slade Heathcott, Tyler Austin, Mason Williams, and Mark Montgomery
More 2012, less 2013.
Jose Ramirez and Rafael De Paula
More first half of 2013, less second half of 2013.
Eric Jagielo
Give Greg a reason to write a full "Moves Like Jagger" parody.
Ty Hensley, Aaron Judge, and Ian Clarkin
Play more than three combined games.
Manny Banuelos
Recapture Tanya's heart.
Greg Bird
Maintain Tanya's heart. (It can be shared.)
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If you have theories on alternate resolutions or some for players not included, post 'em in the comments. Here's to a productive 2014.