It's 2014 now, and that means it's New Year's resolution time. There are sure to be plenty to go around, unless the Yankees want to miss the playoffs again. Like most resolutions, these are almost sure to be broken by the end of January, but what are the Yankees' respective plans?
Coat everything with bread crumbs and regain that Captain Crunch form.
Set up confidentiality agreements for all apartment guests and be more careful about who receives spare keys. Also invest in bionic ankle.
Figure out what the hell your life is and unfriend Randy Levine on Facebook. Perhaps inquire on hip transplants.
Unfriend self from Yankees' front office.
Be more cognizant of when exactly you're talking on the record.
Recognize how little we care about your profit margins. Set "Plan 189" binder on fire.
Embrace mob boss persona over binder.
Great job @jamieoliver and Food Revolution Day! Enjoying my @thejuicepressny in support. #frd2013 @Jmacjmacnyc pic.twitter.com/QCWFWt8Ka6— Mark Teixeira (@teixeiramark25) May 17, 2013
Stop. Just stop.
Prove hair is overrated.
Troll all the naysayers by hitting 20 homers and staying healthy all year, avoid other players' knees, and go interrogate the person that programmed "Tacoby Bellsbury" as your nickname on Baseball-Reference.
Drink extra milk to strengthen the bones.
Take notes from Gardner and don't be as useless as Kevin Youkilis.
Hit like it's 2004, not 2014.
Ichiro Suzuki and Vernon Wells
Retire with some grace.
Actually be the best pitcher in the world.
Find a better entrance song than "Sweet Home Alabama." C'mon, D-Rob, you're trying to intimidate hitters, not make them feel upbeat.
Pitch a regular season game for the Yankees. Please.
Take a page from the book of D-Rob and ditch the walks.
Acknowledge that lefties are allowed to get righthanded hitters out too. It's not against the rules.
Don a monocle. Just once. Also don't collapse in the second half again.
Stop releasing gospel albums and focus on pitching.
Work on that mugshot, bro.
A short list of only mildly-accomplished pitchers younger than you: Jarrod Parker, Joe Kelly, Chris Tillman. You can still make it!
Gary Sanchez, Slade Heathcott, Tyler Austin, Mason Williams, and Mark Montgomery
More 2012, less 2013.
Jose Ramirez and Rafael De Paula
More first half of 2013, less second half of 2013.
Give Greg a reason to write a full "Moves Like Jagger" parody.
Ty Hensley, Aaron Judge, and Ian Clarkin
Play more than three combined games.
Recapture Tanya's heart.
Maintain Tanya's heart. (It can be shared.)
If you have theories on alternate resolutions or some for players not included, post 'em in the comments. Here's to a productive 2014.
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