The New York Yankees' 2014 New Year's resolutions

It's 2014 now, and that means it's New Year's resolution time. There are sure to be plenty to go around, unless the Yankees want to miss the playoffs again. Like most resolutions, these are almost sure to be broken by the end of January, but what are the Yankees' respective plans?

CC Sabathia

Coat everything with bread crumbs and regain that Captain Crunch form.

Derek Jeter

Set up confidentiality agreements for all apartment guests and be more careful about who receives spare keys. Also invest in bionic ankle.

Alex Rodriguez

Figure out what the hell your life is and unfriend Randy Levine on Facebook. Perhaps inquire on hip transplants.

Randy Levine

Unfriend self from Yankees' front office.

Brian Cashman

Be more cognizant of when exactly you're talking on the record.

Hal Steinbrenner

Recognize how little we care about your profit margins. Set "Plan 189" binder on fire.

Joe Girardi

Embrace mob boss persona over binder.

Mark Teixeira

Great job @jamieoliver and Food Revolution Day! Enjoying my @thejuicepressny in support. #frd2013 @Jmacjmacnyc pic.twitter.com/QCWFWt8Ka6

— Mark Teixeira (@teixeiramark25) May 17, 2013

Stop. Just stop.

Brian McCann

Prove hair is overrated.

Jacoby Ellsbury

Troll all the naysayers by hitting 20 homers and staying healthy all year, avoid other players' knees, and go interrogate the person that programmed "Tacoby Bellsbury" as your nickname on Baseball-Reference.

Brett Gardner

Drink extra milk to strengthen the bones.

Brian Roberts

Take notes from Gardner and don't be as useless as Kevin Youkilis.

Carlos Beltran

Hit like it's 2004, not 2014.

Brendan Ryan

Hit.

Alfonso Soriano

More dingers!

Ichiro Suzuki and Vernon Wells

Retire with some grace.

Ivan Nova

Actually be the best pitcher in the world.

Hiroki Kuroda

via stream1.gifsoup.com

David Robertson

Find a better entrance song than "Sweet Home Alabama." C'mon, D-Rob, you're trying to intimidate hitters, not make them feel upbeat.

Michael Pineda

Pitch a regular season game for the Yankees. Please.

Shawn Kelley

Take a page from the book of D-Rob and ditch the walks.

Matt Thornton

Acknowledge that lefties are allowed to get righthanded hitters out too. It's not against the rules.

Preston Claiborne

Don a monocle. Just once. Also don't collapse in the second half again.

David Phelps

Stop releasing gospel albums and focus on pitching.

Vidal Nuno

Work on that mugshot, bro.

Dellin Betances

A short list of only mildly-accomplished pitchers younger than you: Jarrod Parker, Joe Kelly, Chris Tillman. You can still make it!

Gary Sanchez, Slade Heathcott, Tyler Austin, Mason Williams, and Mark Montgomery

More 2012, less 2013.

Jose Ramirez and Rafael De Paula

More first half of 2013, less second half of 2013.

Eric Jagielo

Give Greg a reason to write a full "Moves Like Jagger" parody.

Ty Hensley, Aaron Judge, and Ian Clarkin

Play more than three combined games.

Manny Banuelos

Recapture Tanya's heart.

Greg Bird

Maintain Tanya's heart. (It can be shared.)

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If you have theories on alternate resolutions or some for players not included, post 'em in the comments. Here's to a productive 2014.