clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Autopsy results for the 2013 Yankees

Looks like there were multiple contributing factors in the subject's demise.

Mike Stobe

Deep within the bowels of Major League Baseball, things are very busy this time of year. More and more poor unfortunate souls are wheeled into the coroner's office to have the reasons for their fate determined. A fresh team is pushed in, one that normally doesn't arrive until much later in the fall.

Coroner: Alright, what's the story with this one?

Detective: 2013 New York Yankees. Age is about 158 games old. Found them face down in a puddle over on River Ave. Cause of death isn't totally clear.

Coroner: Yankees, huh? They usually have a pretty lengthy lifespan. Might be some foul play involved. Alright, pull back the sheet.

Coroner: Yeesh, this thing reeks of mothballs. I forgot that these guys tend to be a little more "experienced" than most. Alright, let us begin by examining the surface of the subject. Wow, we have a multitude of severe injuries to the body. Mark Teixeira, Derek Jeter, David Phelps. This guy took a lot of damage to some pretty vital components. Also looks like their Kevin Youkilis was severely damaged, but wasn't functioning properly anyways.

Detective: And it still lasted 158 games? That's impressive considering all those health problems.

Coroner: Yeah, looks like their second baseman was picking up a lot of the slack for the other failing parts. A late Alfonso Soriano transplant seemed to prolong their life a little while longer. But look at this! They filled that abscess at catcher with Chris Stewart for over 100 games! That is a surefire way to reach a painful end.

Detective: Is that Ben Francisco in there? I think I'm going to be sick...

Coroner: In looking at the arms, I can definitely see some atrophy. CC Sabathia looks like he had a rough go of it. And look at these marks. Looks like they've been using a lot of Joba Chamberlain and Phil Hughes. May have overdosed on all the crappy pitching. An addiction to using veterans, most likely.

Detective: Hard to kick old habits. We also found this binder at the scene.

Coroner: Looks like it's filled with old lineups and drawings of Vernon Wells with a heart around him. My god, look at how many times Ichiro Suzuki and Wells are penciled into this lineup! Clearly the 2013 Yankees had a death-wish.

Detective: Thinking suicide, doc?

Coroner: Definitely. Nobody who plays Chris Stewart that much wants to survive until the playoffs. Alert the family and fans.

Detective: What a shame. Looked like a fighter, too. Only to be done in by an obsession with a few crappy veterans.

Coroner: Alright, I'm just going to dump this corpse in the pile with the Orioles and the Blue Jays. Let's go get some lunch.

More from Pinstriped Bible: