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In an occurrence that seems to come around about twice every nineteen seasons, barring a miracle, the Yankees are about to miss the playoffs. And while other fans will likely scoff at your misery, let it be known that Pinstriped Bible is here for you. Here, take this pamphlet. Now let us overcome your feelings of baseball-related sadness through the Kubler-Ross model, otherwise known as the "Five Stages of Grief". Please note: your feelings need not mirror the examples presented, as you may in fact enjoy the play of Chris Stewart for some ungodly reason.
Stage One: Denial
" C'mon, we're the Yankees. Making the playoffs is what we do. Sure it's been a tough season, but we're still in it! We just won yesterday, didn't we? Stranger things have happened than a team coming back from 2 1/2 games with 10 to play and making it to the postseason. Brett Gardner is bound to come back soon!"
Stage Two: Anger
"What the hell!? Vernon Wells, Ichiro Suzuki, Kevin Youkilis and Travis Hafner were the best you guys could come up with to fill the holes in the lineup for this team? FIRE CASHMAN! And why the hell has Chris Stewart been in over 100 games? Would it have killed you guys to have resigned Nick Swisher and Russell Martin? The franchise is only worth a couple of billion dollars. AND FIRE GIRARDI for good measure!"
Stage Three: Bargaining
"Dear Bud Selig: I swear that if you fix the rest of the games so the Yankees make the playoffs, I'll do whatever you want. I'll buy all the overpriced, crappy merchandise on MLB.com, even the hideous Derek Jeter mask! And I promise to never stream another game without your expressed written consent. Just make sure the umpires eject all of our opponents' best players."
Stage Four: Depression
"We were so close. With all the injuries and mishaps, the team was still able to come all the back to within one game of the playoffs. Was it just all to tease us? All those hours watching this team struggle uphill, only to fall flat on its face right before the finish line. Why must Yankees fans endure so much suffering year in and year out?"
Stage Five: Acceptance
"I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I suppose we should just focus on the fun memories of the season gone by. Getting to watch Robinson Cano everyday was pretty great. Hopefully we'll suck less enough to make a run at the postseason next year. And Chris Stewart will not be on the Opening Day roster."
So there you have it. Follow these steps and consume plenty of booze and you'll be ready and recovered for the 2014 season with no regrets. And if the Yankees somehow do make the playoffs, feel free to disregard this entire stupid thing and run through your neighborhood screaming like a rabid chimpanzee.