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Yankees look better without beards

By Jason Cohen
Greg M. Cooper-USA TODAY Sports

You probably know by now that the Red Sox all have beards. It's probably a team-wide mandate to look as schlubby as possible and I can only assume the players without beards are bullied in the clubhouse. Fox definitely made sure that you knew the Red Sox are made of facial hair. They talked about it all game, almost like they've never seen a beard before. Maybe you've also seen this stupid picture on Twitter:

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Oh God, I'm sorry. This is just so stupid looking. I actually had to save this thing onto my computer to upload it. I'm sorry, computer.

I can grow a beard...kind of. It's really just an incredibly itchy five o'clock shadow that gets a little thicker. That's not very cool looking and after awhile I feel hot and gross and stupid. Then I shave and feel much better. Why are we celebrating the fact that these men look like hobos? Some of them even dress like homeless people while they play professional baseball. But they're so cool and stuff!

Thankfully, the Yankees don't have that problem because they're not allowed to. I wish someone made me shave on a regular basis, because then I wouldn't have to go through my bi-weekly shave cycle because I'm lazy. Maybe then my cool five o'clock shadow wouldn't overrun my face with prickly food collectors. The only beard style we all need is The Yankee:

Yankees_medium

You're welcome. Then, instead of #GetBeard, we can have #NoBeard and everyone will be happier. Maybe if you're a grizzled veteran you can get away with a little scruff, but still, No Beards. I know Fox and ESPN like to paint the Yankees as the bad guys, but look at those smooth, clean cut faces and then back over at those walking carpets and tell me who looks like the villain.

Please take note of my terrible, yet absolutely awesome photo editing skills*. This took me several hours and I want to feel better about myself and my facial hair. Tanya helped too, I'll give her credit.

Also, please re-sign Robinson Cano, Yankees, because if you don't I fear we may have to look at this.

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