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Alex Rodriguez is the Big Rodowski

Baseball has been kidnapped and her life is in Alex Rodowski's hands. Is he about to enter a world of pain?

Sometimes there's a man...
Sometimes there's a man...
Nick Laham

A way out west there was a fella, fella I want to tell you about, fella by the name of Alex Rodowski. At least, that was the handle his lovin' parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. This Rodowski, he called himself The Rod. Now, Rod, that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about the Rod that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

Sometimes there's a man. I won't sat a hero cause what's a hero...but sometimes there's a man. And I'm talkin about the Rod here...sometimes there's a man, who, well, he's the man for his time and place, he fits right in there...and that's the Rod In New York.

Approximately one year ago in Commissioner Rodowksi's study...

1375407140 We've had some terrible news. Commisioner Rodowski is in seclusion in the West Wing.

1375406595 Huh?

1375406896 It's funny. I can look back on a life of achievement, on challenges met, competitors bested, obstacles overcome. I've accomplished more than most men. What...What makes a man, Mr. Rodowski?

1375406595 Rod.

1375406896 Huh?

1375406595 I don't know sir.

1375406896 Is it, being prepared to do the right thing? Whatever the price? Isn't that what makes a man?

1375406595 Sure, that and archaic blackout rules.

1375406896 You're joking. But perhaps you're right.

1375406896 Baseball

1375406595 Excuse me?

1375406896 Baseball. She is the light of my life. Are you surprised at my tears, sir?

1375406595 Effen A

1375406896 Strong men also cry. Strong men also cry. I received this fax this morning.


1375406896 As you can see, it is a ransom note. Sent by cowards. Men who are unable to achieve on a level field of play. Men who will not sign their names. Weaklings. Bums.

1375406595 Bummer

1375406896 Torre will fill you in on the details.

(Several months pass. The Rod, Commisioner Rodowski, and Torre are in a limo)

1375406896 Start talking and talk fast you lousy bum!

1375407140 We've been frantically trying to reach you Rod.

1375406896 Where's my money, you bum.

1375406595 Well we...I don't--

1375406896 They did not receive the money, you nitwit! They did not receive the money. Baseball's life was in your hands.

1375407140 This is our concern Rod

1375406595 is effed here-


1375406595 C'mon man, who're you gonna believe? Those guys are...we dropped off the money.

1375406896 WHAT? WE?

1375406595 I...the royal we, you know, the editorial...I dropped off the money, exactly as per se...Look I've got certain information, certain things have come to light, and uh, has it ever occurred to you, man, that uh, instead of running around and blaming me, that this whole thing might just be, not, you know?

1375406896 What in God's holy name are you blathering about!

1375406595 I got new information. New info has come to light, man...and man...Baseball kidnapped herself. Look at it. Beautiful trophy sport, I mean, in the parlance of our times, owes money all over town, including to known art dealers, and that's cool, that's cool...but baseball needs money, and of course they're gonna say they didn't get it 'cause baseball wants more, man, I mean...hasn't that ever occurred to you...Sir?

1375406896 No. No Mr. Rodowski, that had not occurred to me.

1375407140 That had not occurred to us, Rod.

1375406595 Well, okay, you're not privy to all the new info, so uh, you know, but that's what you pay me for. Could I get my twenty grand in cash? I gotta check this with my accountant of course, but my concern is that, you know, it could bump me into a higher tax--

1375406896 Torre, give him the envelope. Since you have failed to achieve, even in the modest task that was your charge, since you have stolen my money, and since you have unrepentantly betrayed my trust, I have no choice but to tell these bums that they should do whatever is necessary to recover their money from you, Alex Rodowski. And with Torre as my witness, tell you this: Any further harm visited upon Baseball, shall be visited tenfold upon your head.

(Documents fall out of the envelope)

1375406896 By God sir. I will not abide another Balco.

(At a coffeeshop a few hours later)

1375407302 That wasn't Baseball's documents, Rod.

1375406595 Then whose documents were those, Braun?

1375407302 How should I know? I do know that nothing about it indicates--

1375406595 The signatures, Braun.

1375407302 Fine Rod. As if it's impossible to get some signature and apply it to someone else's documents.

1375406595 Someone else's...where are they gonna--

1375407302 You want a document. I can get you a document, believe you me. There are ways, Rod. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.

1375406595 But Braun-

1375407302 I'll get you a document this afternoon...with signatures. These amateurs. They send us a document, we're supposed to crap ourselves with fear. Jesus Christ. My point is-

1375406595 They're gonna kill Baseball, Braun, and then they're gonna kill me-

1375407302 Well that's just, that's the stress talking, Rod. So far we have what looks to be like a series of victimless crimes-

1375406595 What about the writers?


(The Rod is relaxing at home. Someone enters)

1375406595 Hey, this a private residence, man.

Syringe_medium Vee vant za money, Rodowski. You think vee are kidding and making vit dee funny stuff? Vee could do things you only dreamed of, Rodowski. Vee belief in nussing.

1375406595 Jesus Christ.

Syringe_medium Tomorrow vee come back and strain your quad.

1375406595 Excuse me?


(A short time later)

1375410979 Pin your diapers on, Rodowski. Jetes Treehorn wants to see you. And we know which Rodowski you are, Rodowski. Jetes Treehorn wants to see the deadbeat Rodowski.

1375411180 Well, Rod, here it is. Where's Baseball?

1375406595 I thought you might now, man. She hasn't run off, she's been-

1375411180 I've heard the kidnapping story so save it. I know you're mixed up in all this, Rod, and I don't care what you're trying to take off the Commissioner. That's your business. All I'm saying is, I want mine.

1375406595 Yeah, well, right man, there are many facets to this, uh you know, many interested parties. If I can find your money, what's in it for the Rod.

1375411180 Of course there's that to discuss. Refill?

1375406595 Do centaurs poop in the clouds?

Darkness washes over the Rod


1375411664 Jetes Treehorn tells us he had to eject you from his garden party, that you were drunk and abusive.

1375406595 Jetes treats objects like women, man.

1375411664 Jetes draws a lot of water in this town, Rodowski. You don't draw spit. We got a nice quiet stadium here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let's make something plain. I don't like you sucking around bothering our citizens, Rodowski. I don't like your jerk-off name, I don't like your jerk-off face, I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?

1375406595 I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

1375411664 Stay out of the Bronx, Rodowski. Stay out of the Bronx, deadbeat. Keep your goldbricking face out my stadium.

(The Rod returns to Commissioner Rodowski's home to find Baseball safely returned)

1375406595 Where'd she been?

1375407140 Visiting friends over the All-Star break. Just picked up and left. Never bothered to tell us.

1375406595 But I guess she told Steroids.

1375407302 Jesus, Rod. Steroids never even kidnapped baseball.

1375407140 Who's this gentleman, Rod?

1375407302 Who am I? I'm a veteran.

1375407140 You shouldn't go in there Rod. He's very angry.

1375406896 Well, Baseball's back. No thanks to you.

1375406595 We know the briefcase was empty, man. We know you kept the million dollars.

1375406896 You have your story, I have mine. I say I entrusted Baseball's life to you, and you stole it.

1375406595 You thought Baseball had been kidnapped and you could use it as a pretext to make some money disappear. All you needed was a sap to pin it on, and you'd just met me. You thought, hey, a deadbeat, a loser, someone the press won't care about.

1375406896 Well...aren't you?

1375406595 Well...yeah.

1375406896 All right. Get out. Both of you.

(Later that night)

Syringe_medium Vee vant zee money Rodowski. Uzzerwise vee kill zee girl.

1375406595 You don't have the girl. We know you never did.

A-rod_s_contract_medium Are these Robot Umpires, Braun?

1375407302 No, Rodowski's contract. These are steroids. Nothing to worry about.

A-rod_s_contract_medium Are they going to hurt us?

1375407302 They won't hurt us. These men are cowards.

Bowling_ball_medium (Melee ensues)

1375407302 We've got a man down, Rod.

1375406595 My God, they killed Rodowski's contract. Steroids killed Rodowski's contract.


1375407302 Rest easy, good buddy.

Welp, that about does her, wraps her all up. Things to've worked out pretty good for the Rod and Braun, and it was a purt good story, dontcha think? Made me laugh. Parts anyway. Course, I didn't like seeing Rodowski's contract go, but I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin itself, down through the generations, westward the wagons, across the sands of time until...look at me. I'm ramblin again. I hope you folks enjoyed yourselves.