Fourth of July Open Thread: The 2013 Yankees as American Patriots

The New York Yankees may have a name most synonymous with Civil War, but in honor of the birthday of the country immediately south of Canada I’ve cobbled together a comparison between some modern day Yankees and some upstart colonials. Warning: most of these connections are tenuous at best and some events may not have happened yet. Do not copy and paste into a history report.

Founding Father: Benjamin Franklin- the oldest of all the signers of the Declaration of Independence who was also a brilliant inventor. Once destroyed a kite in the name of science.

Current Yankee Equivalent: Mariano Rivera- the oldest player on the Yankees and the inventor of the "Perfect Cutter", the greatest pitch in the history of man. Destroys bats in the name of science.

FF: George Washington- Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army, first President of the United States. Never told a lie.

CYE: Derek Jeter- Captain of the Yankees, forty-eighth President of the United States. Never told a lie.

FF: Thomas Jefferson- credited as architect of the United States of America. Best move: Louisiana Purchase. Worst Move: Embargo Act of 1807

CYE: Brian Cashman- credited as architect of the 2013 Yankees. Best Move: re-signing Hiroki Kuroda. Worst Move: trading for post-taxidermy Vernon Wells.

FF: Nathanael Greene- began the American Revolution as a private but became Washington’s most successful and trusted officer thanks to his improbably successful Southern Campaign.

CYE: Preston Claiborne- began 2013 in Triple-A but has the best ERA of any Yankee bullpen pitcher behind Mariano Rivera. Also, has a fancy name just like Nathanael Greene.

FF: Paul Revere- made a midnight ride on horseback to warn colonial militiamen of the British invasion by sea, made his wealth as a silversmith.

CYE: Alex Rodriguez- is a known half-horse, made his wealth as a ten-time Silver Slugger.

So let’s watch some baseball, eat some hot dogs and remember that without the founding fathers, we’d probably be watching cricket and eating pork pies.