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Fourth of July Open Thread: The 2013 Yankees as American Patriots

Matching the Founding Fathers with their Yankee counterparts

Betsy Ross had some excellent taste.
Betsy Ross had some excellent taste.
Ross Kinnaird

The New York Yankees may have a name most synonymous with Civil War, but in honor of the birthday of the country immediately south of Canada I’ve cobbled together a comparison between some modern day Yankees and some upstart colonials. Warning: most of these connections are tenuous at best and some events may not have happened yet. Do not copy and paste into a history report.

Founding Father: Benjamin Franklin- the oldest of all the signers of the Declaration of Independence who was also a brilliant inventor. Once destroyed a kite in the name of science.

Current Yankee Equivalent: Mariano Rivera- the oldest player on the Yankees and the inventor of the "Perfect Cutter", the greatest pitch in the history of man. Destroys bats in the name of science.

FF: George Washington- Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army, first President of the United States. Never told a lie.

CYE: Derek Jeter- Captain of the Yankees, forty-eighth President of the United States. Never told a lie.

FF: Thomas Jefferson- credited as architect of the United States of America. Best move: Louisiana Purchase. Worst Move: Embargo Act of 1807

CYE: Brian Cashman- credited as architect of the 2013 Yankees. Best Move: re-signing Hiroki Kuroda. Worst Move: trading for post-taxidermy Vernon Wells.

FF: Nathanael Greene- began the American Revolution as a private but became Washington’s most successful and trusted officer thanks to his improbably successful Southern Campaign.

CYE: Preston Claiborne- began 2013 in Triple-A but has the best ERA of any Yankee bullpen pitcher behind Mariano Rivera. Also, has a fancy name just like Nathanael Greene.

FF: Paul Revere- made a midnight ride on horseback to warn colonial militiamen of the British invasion by sea, made his wealth as a silversmith.

CYE: Alex Rodriguez- is a known half-horse, made his wealth as a ten-time Silver Slugger.

So let’s watch some baseball, eat some hot dogs and remember that without the founding fathers, we’d probably be watching cricket and eating pork pies.