As part of our program to keep you entertained during the offseason, I have been tasked with visiting the video archives, with my miniature Indiana Jones archeological tool kit in tow (including small fancy brush to shoo dust), in an attempt to find moments worthy of immortalizing in GIF form. We set out a few weeks back by covering the perfect game thrown by one David Cone, and we now move on to the 2009 World Series which, you may recall, saw the Yankees ascend to victory on the backs of superb postseason performances from the likes of Hideki Matsui, Derek Jeter and (prior to the World Series) Alex Rodriguez.
I like this task I have been set. I like attempting to capture the flavor of games with quirky, often irrelevant moving images. You and I know what actually happened—yes, yes, Clifford Lee dominated in the first game and yes, yes, ‘Who’s Your Daddy?’ and all that—so there’s no point describing it to you in prose. I can only expend so many lines on how Jeterian Jeter’s base hits were. Instead, take my hand, and let us walk through the halls of the Museum of GIFs together as we revisit moments in the series that we might otherwise have overlooked, starting with Game 1.
80 Hide Binder Pages Tool
Mr. Tony Pena, doing the right thing. If that’s how big the pages need to be for Joe to read them now, how big will they be in five years? "Hey Stewie, run down to the other end of the dugout. I need to roll out this scroll."
Old Woman Talks to No One Dot GIF
This is my worst nightmare. Sometimes I catch public transport, and some questionable looking character clambers aboard—it’s usually some super old dude or some super drunk dude—and I’m like, oh God, please don’t sit next to me, and then they inevitably sit in my vicinity if not next to me because that’s just my luck and I should have taken my car instead of this dumb thing, and then it’s just me desperately chanting in my mind, please don’t attempt to talk to me; please don’t attempt to talk to me. Well, this is that. This woman has three yards clear either side of her, and she has designs on striking up a conversation with Moby on the right. Moby ain’t having it.
Seriously though, that guy is fantastic. He does the half-second look over and he’s like, "Who is this person talking to?" and then he awkwardly goes into ignore mode. Just pretend you never saw her; just pretend you never saw her. I do feel for him, however. He managed to snag a World Series ticket, and then this happens. And it’s only the third inning! Six more innings of this! Sweet Madonna.
On Deck with Jorge Posada
"On Deck with Jorge Posada" would be a great name for his daytime talk show. "So, Alex, today you will show us how to make edible decorative flowers out of icing for wedding anniversary cakes."
A-ROD COMIN’ TO GET YOU, BUD. A-ROD COMIN’ TO GET YOU.
Without Chalance 2
Seriously, if one can be nonchalant, then one must be able to be chalant, right? And yet Bill Gates sees fit to fill my screen with red squiggles when I try to argue so. Go away, red squiggles. Go away. No, don’t send Clippy out to get me! I promise to cha—
Goofball (feat. Brian Bruney Hop)
There is a certain type of goofball that you very much want to have around you (or, at least you should). I want my life to be full of Johnny Damon, Nick Swisher, and Yasiel Puig types. You know, guys that radiate energy. Guys that engineer situations. Guys that think it totally appropriate to get down on the ground and start doing the worm. Then there are types of goofballs that you lose ten IQ points for every hour that you’re in their presence. You walk into a room and leave knowing less about the world than you did when you arrived. I get the distinct feeling that Shane Victorino is one of those types of goofball—the latter. I don’t know the man personally—I’m more than happy to be corrected if I’m wrong—but it just seems like the world distorts around him, like there’s been a glitch in the Matrix or something. Like the time a catcher hit him in the head with a ball intended for the pitcher on the mound.
If Shane Victorino ever has to appear in court—doesn’t matter for what; it could be for something mind-numbingly innocuous, like a jaywalking ticket—all the prosecution has to do is present this GIF as evidence and they’ll immediately get a conviction. "Mr. Victorino, why were you grinning like a madman on your approach to home plate?" Or, "Mr. Victorino, do your eyes have to be open that wide?"
It’s taken us weeks to get to our first facepalm GIF, but here it is! This fan was reacting to a situation involving A-Rod. It was another... well, I’ll let you guess.
But wait! I recently learned how to do reverse GIFs!
This is in the top three of GIFs I have ever created. It’s not just the facepalm—it’s the conviction. Seriously, the kid’s like Bobby De Niro in Deer Hunter. He’s been beaten down by the Vietcong; he’s had enough. Just end it, world. JUST END IT.
Things I Overheard
It’s time for a new feature: things I overheard while watching this ballgame. To be perfectly straight with you, I didn’t overhear them; this was just the announcers talking. And, of course, I was paying attention to them, so I actually just heard them.
Joe Buck: "Utley plays second base defensively."
This is why I have always argued that the Yankees should have traded for Utley and jettisoned Cano a long time ago. Cano only plays second base two ways: vertically and vulgarly. Utley actually plays it defensively. He makes the plays, you see. Don’t give Cano a contract, Randy. Don’t do it.
Tim McCarver: "Jerek Liter — Jerek — Derek Jeter…"
Tim McCarver: "Ibanez was one of the greatest postseason signings in recent history."
Tim McCarver: "The cake is a shutout by Cliff Lee. The icing is a double by Carlos Ruiz."
Really? The icing isn’t the two home runs by Chase Utley, eh? Listen, old man. You were good in the 80s and 90s. I’ve got the tapes to prove it. I’ve got that dumb thirty-eight inning (or whatever it was) game the Mets played in the 1986 NLCS. You were great in that. Can’t you just go back to that? Please. I beg of you.