It's a good time to be a Yankee who had a rough 2013 season. After an injury-plagued, ineffective and overall crummy season, Derek Jeter is getting a lovely 2.5 million dollars more than his player option would have netted him. Now I know what you're thinking: can't the Yankees give raises to more of their players for no apparent reason? Well you're in luck, disembodied voice! The Yankees' entire 2014 budget forecast was accidentally leaked to the media when Hal Steinbrenner left his laptop at Count Stuffington Golf and Yacht Club. And wouldn't you know it, but it seems the Yankees plan on giving raises to several of their free agents and players still under contract. What generosity our favorite franchise intends on showing! Heres the breakdown:
Joba Chamberlain: Joba will be getting a $580,000 raise thanks to jumping his ERA by .58. After all, more means better.
Phil Hughes: In helping to add to the fans' enjoyment at Yankee Stadium by giving them the opportunity to catch 17 home run balls, Hughes will be getting a $1.7 million increase. He will get a portion of the sales of newly designed "Meatball Targets" sold at the stadium.
Ichiro Suzuki: Ichiro will get an extra $10 million for bringing in additional Japanese fans and merchandising. Whether that was actually worth $10 million is not mentioned.
Vernon Wells: Thanks to his shortened but excellent 38 game season in which he had an OPS of .895, Wells will be getting an $8 million raise. The doppelganger "Wernon Vells" that Wells says kidnapped and replaced him for the rest of the season will not be retained.
Travis Hafner: Due his bravery in combating and surviving the assault of renegade pitching machine "The Humbler", Hafner will get $4 million and the "Yankee Medal of Bravery".
Chris Stewart: Stewart will get an additional $500,000 for each of his 12 passed balls. Steinbrenner notes "avoiding the balls saved money on replacement catcher's mitts".
Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera: Both Pettitte and Rivera will make $20 million in 2014, because "they're Andy Pettite and Mariano Rivera!". They will be required to sit back and relax.
Robinson Cano: Interesting enough, Cano will actually be offered a million dollar paycut and a plane ticket to Los Angeles, California.
Even some select executives are getting bonuses for their performances:
Randy Levine: Levine will be getting a new, much nicer spot under his bridge.
Hal Steinbrenner: For his exemplary work, Hal will get a 20 million dollar bonus and a gold star.
To have money is one thing, but to spend it wisely is what makes all the difference. It makes a fan feel warm and fuzzy when they know that their team's finances are in good hands. At least until a Nigerian "prince" sends Hal an e-mail.