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Word on the street is that Alex Rodriguez is being called to testify in his own case, "Old Man Who Has Trouble Hearing (and Who Frequently Seems to Have a Band-Aid Affixed to His Face) vs. Alex Rodriguez." Word on the street is right. However, I believe I can save everyone a grueling ten days of testification and deliberation over arbitration—I believe we can judge the character of a person through GIFs.
Presently, the body of Alex Rodriguez is lounging somewhere within an undoubtedly humid Californian house, riddled sick through and through by the virus influenza. So until Cousin Yuri brings him that sweet, sweet Tylenol, we’re left hanging painfully off tenterhooks. But pull those barbs from your supple skin, friends: I have searched far and wide for the finest video evidence of acts committed by Big Rod, have converted that video evidence into moving image form, and have assembled those moving image forms here for your consideration. We are the jury, and by the conclusion of today’s session, we shall have come to a verdict: innocent or guilty, which is how verdicts usually go. Unless you get a hung jury, in which case... well, back on those tenterhooks I guess.
Shine, sweet freedom. Shine your light on me.
Who, Me?
Exhibit A: Mr. Rodriguez denies all wrongdoing.
Well, that clears it up then. Should we go get some coffee?
Gracious A-Rod
Words cannot describe how good this is. I mean, this is it. This is the greatest A-Rod moment. A-Rod thanking a reporter for a thing that wasn’t even meant as a compliment. No, those aren’t fake captions. That was what was actually said. Shut it down. Shut it all down.
Disturbed A-Rod
Selfish A-Rod
Still not as bad as that time he ran into the stands, stole Jeter’s 3000th hit ball from that dude, stole the signed DJ3K shirt that Jeter was about to hand to the fan, and ran out into the parking lot yelling "I’m alive! I’m alive! I’m alive!"
Chums
Just the routine fourth inning pectoral density check (PDC) that all ballplayers are subject to.
This is from the 2001 All-Star Game, where A-Rod famously moved himself over to third base, forcing Cal Ripken, Jr. into the shortstop position for Ripken’s last All-Star Game. This act was lauded by everyone—even Boris Yeltsin reportedly applauded at his television set from his dacha in northwest Russia—and is precisely the kind of selfless behavior you’d expect from a villain like Rodriguez. Only a colossal, narcissistic jerk like him would be capable of such a dignified act.
Talking about the act and about Rodriguez, Joe Buck, a sportscaster that has a face, made the words: "A classy gesture from a classy, classy man." (He actually said that; you can check the tape. I swear on the life of my pet hamster Jeremy that Joe Buck actually said that.) Also from that day:
Utility GIF: Joe Torre Would Like You to Leave
The Fun Police
That’s right. A-Rod will tell you how many autographs you’ll get, and whatever he gives you, you’ll accept it, you’ll smile, and you’ll say thank you. Seriously though, some people are just no fun. C’mon, Alex. They only want to take whatever you sign and flip it on eBay. Have a heart already. Jeez.
Now, let’s find out what Mark Teixeira is up to! Because why not?
Juicin’
Musclin’
Stabbin’
That’s a PGS (a pretty good stab). And that’s also a good note to end on.
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