So Yankees.com likes to do "Yankees On Demand" videos from time to time. They're usually just typical interviews with players about parts of their lives, but I found one today that I just had to review.
"In the Gym with Teixeira" (link)
I can only assume that it's Evil Tex working out because Good Tex is too busy picking lilacs and treating his dainty cough. TIME TO PUMP SOME IRON, BITCHES.
0:10- I see we're in brief exercise montage. That's probably not even Evil Tex working out. The smart money says it's the batboy. Or Brian Cashman, because as the "Moneyball" movie taught me, all General Managers work out like nobody's busines. Right?
0:27- DONE WITH THIS STUPID JUMP ROPE. That was just cast aside like it was some undeserving rag. No love.
0:35- Oh hey, I just learned who the Yankees' strength and conditioning Coach is! Good for you, Dana Cavalea.
0:36- Why's Cavalea looking off to his left? Does he need a cue card to remember who Mark Teixeira is? Evil Tex won't appreciate that.
0:39- Well, he clearly wasn't looking at Tex since Tex appears on his right. Maybe he was quizzically glancing at Good Tex writing "Thank You" cards to everyone on the team for the Yankees' efforts on the recent road trip.
0:43- Here we get this post's lead picture. Evil Tex is here to make his body his bitch. Note that he flexes when Cavalea says "lower body." Oh.
0:45- Cavalea: "Ready, Tex?" Evil MT25: "'SDOIT"
0:49- One-armed step-up time. Whatever that means.
1:00- Cavalea: Explode up.
/Time for Evil Tex to mime some groin kneeing/
1:10- /MT25 Exhaust switch on/
1:25- "Tex Tip #1: Track your workouts. And the locations of any writers who dare write negatively of your ability. They will pay."
1:30- This is actually Evil Tex's hit list. Best hope you're not on it.
1:41- Now it's "Cable One Arm Lat Row." Hardcore?
1:46- Cavalea: "You can pull it as hard as you want and there won't be any kink in the cable." Pause.
1:51- Work the tail, Tex.
2:06- Obligatory chest shot. Thanks for that.
2:17- Okay, I'm sure the judo chop forward does something, but it just looks so silly. Especially when the MT25 does it.
2:45- "Tex Tip #2: Breathe properly and consistently during workout. And at-bats. And at first base. And doing pretty much everything, from cheating lie detector tests to eating muenster."
2:55- "Tex Tip #3: Stay hydrated with your juice. Your juice is your friend. Love your juice. Juice for life."
3:05- Reach to the sky with your Gold Glove hand. Disregard the haters. If the fools prefer Adrian Gonzalez, throw rocks at them.
3:27- DINGERS. The end result.
3:33- Squat.
3:47- Opposite field power? HAHA. Apparently that doesn't get used much.
3:55- Wait a minute, how did Tex get to third?? A quick Baseball-Reference check says that Tex has hit four triples as a Yankee, none of which were in Oakland. Guess errors were involved. Or Evil Tex is playing with our minds.
4:02- "Tex Tip #4: Cardio does not just mean running and cycling. It also means chasing down your enemies with a chainsaw. Gets the heart pumping."
4:27- "Tex has dynamite form." That's one word for it, I guess.
4:47- Lifting big weights so he'll have the strength to carry the team I suppose. Has that ever happened? I'm not sure.
5:00- "Tex is very aware of his body." He's Texy and he knows it?
5:25- "Tex Tip #5: Never push yourself too hard in the weight room. Push other people so hard that they cry for their mommy and beg for mercy. Don't grant it."
5:30- "Hey listen, this is sore. Let's do some exercises to help out that muscle or that body part." So what does Jeter do when he... never mind.
5:45- "Tex Top #6: Do not waste too much time in between sets. Otherwise time will waste you. Unless you're me."
5:52- You have to love this music. It's like the worst trance club music you've ever heard.
6:23- Hammer.
6:35- "Tex Tip #7: Take care of your body. Workout, get sleep, hydrate, drink a fifth of Maker's Mark in a day, and be nutritious."
6:49- "This offseason I started a drinking a lot of raw juice." We know, Tex. You love your juice.
6:57- "This is the flat bench press, otherwise known as the 'beach muscle press.'" /odd grin/ "Uh, no..."
That was a weird moment. Guess that's how he met Mrs. MT25. At least how Good Tex met her anyway, I do not want to know how Evil Tex did.
7:06- "Tex Tip #8: Keep chest and back muscles balanced. If your chest gets too big and strong, your back's going to round and you're going to get too tight in [the shoulder]. Not good for throwing or swinging, like that Giambi fatto."
7:54- "Tex Tip #9: Train hard in the offseason because you will need to rest your body during the season. The New York City clubs don't get torn apart themselves, you know, you need energy for that."
8:45- Tex, you're boring me. You have some nice RPG Boss Battle music, but what are you fighting?
9:15- Man, what happened to the coach? I forgot his name already, and hes gone now.
9:45- Oh, he's back now. Just in time for the cool giant, green rubber band.
10:17- The tubing shuffle. I prefer the Super Bowl Shuffle. Tex ain't here to start no trouble, he's just here to do his tubing shuffle?
10:35- Reggie? Is that you in the background? Can you liven this up at all, please? No? Carry on, MT25...
10:55- "And there it is, workout over. Only 10 minutes every day. I spend more time vomiting into random portalets on Long Island."