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Red Sox Become First Team in History to Win World Series in April

The Boston Red Sox were named World Series Champions today by Bud Selig, becoming the first team in MLB history to win the World Series without playing a single game.

I was on the scene as Selig described the Red Sox as the "best team since the 1927 Yankees," and "overall favorites to win anyway."

When asked about the decision, Selig said -

With the completely necessary signing of Carl Crawford and trading for Adrian Gonzalez, the Red Sox became the obvious favorites to win the 2011 World Series. After examining the rosters of all the teams in the MLB, I came to the conclusion that it is in the best interest of the game to declare the Red Sox as World Series Champions.

Selig also cited various outlets that declared the Red Sox as the clear favorites to win the title -

If ESPN says it, it has to happen, right? Us folks in MLB do not want teams to be embarrassed by such a powerhouse, so we decided to save them from the embarrassment and end their seasons before they started.

The Red Sox celebrated with champagne in the clubhouse, as they heard the news when they were preparing to take the field against reigning AL Champions, the Texas Rangers. Jonathan Papelbon did his (in)famous victory dance, but was then told by John Henry that he had been released.

Another player that was overcome with emotion was Dustin Pedroia, the Red Sox' minuscule monster -

You know I was bullied by guys like Alex Rodriguez in elementary school. He would push me around and call me "midget," but this, this really shows him! One day I will get a ladder and look him straight in the eyes and laugh at him.

Selig originally wanted to hand the title to the Philadelphia Phillies, but after the injuries to Brad Lidge and Chase Utley, as well as his visit to Jimmy Rollins, he changed his mind -

Midway through our conversation, Rollins stopped and predicted what I would say next. It was quite annoying, especially because I was way off. When he said that he thought Ohio State was better than Wisconsin, I lost it and suspended him for "doping."

Next, Selig wanted to name the Brewers as the World Series champs, but he said that that "could mess up Zack Greinke's head" and that he didn't want to "cause problems" with Greinke's mindset. When told that Greinke was, in fact, not a psychopath, and that a small injury does not mean Greinke could not be an effective pitcher this season, Selig laughed and said "good one guys."

The odd part of the meeting was when reporter Joel Sherman asked Selig about possible replay expansion. Selig declined to say there would be any further usage of instant replay, and immediately had a shoe thrown at him by an angry fan, believed to be Pete Rose wandering around.

While Selig did not mention who would be named 2012 World Series Champions, he hinted at the New York Mets, saying "c'mon it has to be a team that everyone feels horrible for."


*The quotes from this post in no way reflect the true beliefs of Bud Selig or anyone else quoted and are completely made up. This is an April Fools post, and the Red Sox in fact have not been named World Series Champions (yet)*