*Before reading this understand that it was not actually written by Hank. Imagine in Comic Sans, parody of Dan Gilbert's letter.*
Dear New York, all of the people of New York, wherever you may be tonight;
As you know, our former top target, who grew up in an entirely different region than the one he almost got traded to today, will not be a New York Yankee for the rest of this season.
This was announced with a long, dramatic buildup culminating with an extreme drop with a Joel Sherman report on Twitter. This has been "witnessed" in "twitter" before.
Clearly Yankees fans have mixed feelings about this.The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here in New York have never betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.
There is so much more to tell you about the events of the past day and our continually exciting rest of the season. Over the next several days, and weeks, we will be winning ballgames.
You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly confusion.
You have given so much and deserve so much more.
In the meantime, while I smoke my cigarettes, I want to make one statement to you tonight:
"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE NEW YORK YANKEES WILL WIN AN MLB WORLD SERIES BEFORE THE SEATTLE TITLED 'MARINERS' WIN ONE."
You can take it to the banks where you will find my millions! (What's left that I haven't spent on cigarettes, that is.)
If you thought we were motivated before tonight to beat the Mariners, I can tell you this shameful display of playing us to get a better deal out of the Rangers has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and never experienced levels.
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. (Whatever that means.)
Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.
This shocking act of disloyalty from another MLB "team" sends the exact opposite message that we want our interns to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow up to become.
But the good news is that this heartless action can only serve as motivation to beat the Mariners tonight and the Rangers in the playoffs. Oh, and the Rangers rotation is still not as good as the Yankees!
The self-declared "Mariners" will be taking the "Smoak and other prospects" from the Rangers up to Washington. And until Lee signs with the Yankees, Lee (and the team he plays for) will not win a title. The Yankees will.
Sleep well, New York. (After joining our game thread, that is!)
Tomorrow is a Saturday.
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge, and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
DELIVERING YOU (caps are fun, right?!) the championship that you got last year as well and is not overdue at all.
Marlboro's best customer