OK, so I am thoroughly ticked off at the audacity of Jason Kubel. Who the heck does he think he is, hitting a grand slam home run off Mariano Rivera? As Brandon wondered last night "Is that even legal?"
Well, in the 'Unwritten Rules of Bowing to the Yankees" which all of baseball should follow -- and which will heretofore be written, the answer is "NO!"
Here we go, with the now 'Written Rules of Bowing to the Yankees.'
- Never, ever hit a grand slam home run to defeat Mariano Rivera. Beat him with a broken-bat bloop, a seeing-eye groundball, an infield single but you never, ever embarrass the Great Mo with a game-winning slam. An exception may be granted if you are also a Hall of Fame-caliber player, but not if your name is Kubel, Scutaro or you play for the Red Sox.
- Do not hit Derek Jeter in the hands with a pitched baseball. Or the head, for that matter. In the legs, in the tush, in the back we might be able to tolerate. But, stay away from those hands for cryin' out loud.
- Do not attempt to steal bases against the all-powerful Francisco Cervelli. It is generally fruitless, and if you happen to be successful it is an affront to his entire kingdom.
- One more Cervelli Rule, this one for home plate umpires. Any pitch framed perfectly by Francisco the Great is a strike -- meaning anything thrown by a Yankee pitcher that is caught by Cervelli.
- Do no try to to out-maneuver Joe Girardi in a battle of the bullpens. If you try, you will end up with a headache and run out of pitchers -- even if Girardi has to turn to Nick Swisher. Tony LaRussa is exempt from this rule since he invented the "Overthink how to use Relief Pitchers' game.
- Always walk Mark Teixeira intentionally to pitch to Alex Rodriguez with the bases loaded. We are eternally grateful when you do this. Incidentally, yes this is the 'Ron Gardenhire Rule.'
- If you are a former highly-regarded Yankee prospect the team has traded away you must spend your career being Ricky Ledee. In other words, stinking for the most part and only staying in the bigs because you are a "highly-regarded former Yankee prospect." This is the Austin Jackson and -- retroactively -- Jay Buhner Rule.
- The A.J. Burnett Rule -- pie can only be served in the bottom of the ninth inning by the Yankees.
- Always throw Robinson Cano first-pitch fastballs belt high on the inner half of the strike zone -- we like gifts.
- Do not ever accuse a Yankee fan of being obnoxious, arrogant, having unrealistic expectations or being unreasonable when things go against the Yankees. We have that right, since your team is never supposed to win.
Follow all of these and we will all get along quite nicely.