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Hilarious Sabermetrics Email

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Well, it's that time again. Every couple of months I get a random timed odd email from a reader. This time, the reader (who's name I of course cannot give away) emailed me about sabermetrics. The outcome? Hilarity. Please enjoy the email, with personal commentary as well, after the jump

 

 Dear Barndon C.,

I am writing to you today about sabermetrics and why they are and aren't necessary. I will decrease the wordflow by changing the term sabermetrics to sabmet. Enjoy that.

Thanks for decreasing the 'wordflow,' whatever that means.

There are many stats in sabermetrics, including WAR (Wins Above Ratio), BABIP (Batting Average Balls in Play), OBP (On Base Percentage), and many others. How about that! How can I person not get giddy over such wonderful ideas?

I am so far shaking with giddiness, if anyone is wondering.

Your idea that America is a traditional game is wrong. Wrong, I tell you! Baseball wasn't popular until the first Yankees championship, with Louie G and Baby R at the helm. It is a modern sport that will be modernized over time.

Oh goodness, did he just confuse the words America and Baseball? Ignoring the rest of the madness.

Life as we know it can change with sabmet. WAR (Wins Above Ratio) can calculate how many more wins a player tallies compared to his replacement. For example: Manny Ramirez WAS the left fielder for the Red Sawx. Jason Bay replaced him and did worse. Manny's WAR can show you that he was better for the Crimson Sox. Get it? 

Got it.

BABIP is huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge. It can show you luck, talent, and even a movie! Not a movie, get it? Austin Jacksons BABIP shows that he outplayed Curtis Granderson this year. The numbers show it and the stats don't.

Numbers aren't stats?

Finally, my main point, that you will personally be affected by. Here it comes....Sabmet are bringing sexy back. Get it? They are bringing sports entertainment times (x is times in math) your interest level in the game. The more sabmet you use, the more interest you garnett.

Oh goodness. That is all I have to say on the matter.