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The Yankees are falling ... time for drastic measures

Clearly our New York Yankees are hopelessly broken. They are in complete disrepair and will not win another game in 2009 unless drastic measures are taken. Before Tuesday's game in Atlanta. So, what's to be done? Here are some ideas.

  • GM Brian Cashman needs to be fired. Clearly, he has no clue how to construct a major-league roster. We need to convince Theo Epstein to come save us -- now! If he's not available, maybe 'CaptainYank' or 'TheRealDeal56' would be our savior. Clearly, if they were in charge no one would ever screw up a bunt, hit into a double play, make a base-running mistake or hang a curveball.
  • Manager Joe Girardi needs to be shown the door along with Cashman. Any moron who has ever watched a game knows Joe G. has no clue when to bunt, when to hit-and-run, when to go to the bullpen or which pitchers to use. He keeps flashing that 'hit into a double play to kill this rally sign.' Oh, and he keeps insisting on using a five-time all star and borderline Hall of Famer as his catcher. Clearly, Joe G. must go. Maybe Stump Merrill is available. Oh, and I heard the other day Bucky Dent is looking to get back into baseball. 
  • Alex Rodriguez must be DFA'd. It's obvious the Yankees are better with Angel Berroa at third base. Oh, and Cody Ransom is close to being eligible to come off the DL. Gotta make room for him somehow.
  • Derek Jeter has to sit down. Obviously, he has forgotten how to bunt. And he seems to think hitting into rally-killing double plays is showing good leadership. You know, it gets the game over faster so A-Rod can go party with Kate Hudson. He can't play again until he lays down 1,000 successful sacrifice bunts in a row during BP, and writes "I will not hit into double plays" 10,000 times on his Blackberry.
  • Starting rotation: A.J. Burnett, Andy Pettitte (they were both good in their last starts), Phil Hughes (any idiot would agree), Alfredo Aceves and Andrew Brackman.
  • Bullpen: Mariano Rivera, CC Sabathia (injury shows he can't handle starting), Joba Chamberlain (only the team's second-best starter -- that's not good enough), David Robertson, Phil Coke, Brian Bruney, Mark Melancon. See ya, Chien-Ming Wang!
  • Institute a Nick Swisher rule. Let's ask Major League Baseball to let us use the Little League pinch-runner rule so that every time Swisher gets on base we can run for him, then put him back in the game.
  • Actually, forget pinch-running for Swisher. Just cut the king of Red Bull and put Shelley Duncan in right field.
  • DFA Jorge Posada. Clearly too old, can't call a game, can't throw, doesn't know how to properly catch the ball. Bring up Jesus Montero. Or even the newly-signed phenom Gary Sanchez. They have to be an improvement.
  • Johnny Damon hasn't homered in a couple of weeks, is old and can't catch the ball any more. DFA him and put Austin Jackson in left field. 
  • Sell the team to Donald Trump. Maybe he will have a clue how to right the ship.