FanPost

Off of the DL, Into the Cannon: The Eduardo Nunez Files

Eduardo Nunez has been a polarizing character on this site over the last year or so. Many contributors have assisted in the development of the following Crowd Sourced Saga. I have aggregated all the stories and snippets into one place. I have left the original poster and time information attached to the stories first, to attribute the brilliance of these and second, to assist with reading the stories in the correct order. I take credit for nothing other than trying to get all of these into one place.

Narrator: The story starts off a little slowly in May 2013:

Nunez update

by long time listener on May 5 2013, 2:16p

@M_Marakovits: Nunez left with tightness in his left rob age

I assume she means "rib cage."

Nunez is made of glass

by Jt91thefuture on Jun 14 2013, 6:54p

The way he screamed in pain and writhed on the ground after taking a pitch to the meaty part of the bicep, not even the bone (!) should’ve been an indicator.

Narrator: The first "Nunez:" story I found was on July 13, 2013.

No Subject

by Joe21 on Jul 13 2013, 5:33p

Nunez: "You know that fan Derek? Who’s that?"

Jeter: "Stage 5 clinger I met in Scranton. Smile, wave, and slowly walk away."

Nunez: "Dang, she es non fuego." shivers

No Subject

by repeater1990 on Jul 13 2013, 5:34p

Jeter:"Table for two, please!"
Nunez:"(Oh dear, I should have worn my good clothes)"

No Subject

by repeater1990 on Jul 13 2013, 5:37p

Nunez:I guess you could say Cruz had…(puts on sunglasses)…a short stop at shortstop.
Jeter:YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

Exhibit 3: Mr. Nunez keenly examines Mr. Jeter's pick-up technique.

by Matthew Floratos on Jul 13 2013, 6:33p

"Hey ladies! It’s me! Derek! Now take your pants off."

Narrator: Some of the earlier ones may have had not-so-obvious backstories:

No Subject

by Chase Thomas on Jul 13 2013, 8:21p

Jeter looking at Adam Sandler

Jeter, "You made a Grown Ups 2?"

Nunez, "You serious bro?"

Yeah, I'm in postseason shape, Nunez!

by HaafuLilly on Jul 14 2013, 5:17a

Scout’s honour!

Jeter: "Yeap, two of them"

by Rorschach44 on Jul 14 2013, 7:33a

Nunez nodding head in approval: "I’ve seen them".

No Subject

by thelast42 on Jul 14 2013, 11:42a

John Sterling: Oh El Capitan is back! /trying to get Jeter’s attention. El Capitan, El Capitan!

Jeter: /forced smile and wave. Yeah I’m injured again. I’ll be back after the break.

Nunez: His Spanish is bad! Yuck.

Narrator: Then we get into the theme that would drive the stories for good:

No Subject

by Michael Brown on Aug 21 2013, 8:08p

Did Nunez get shot?

No Subject

by Ella Grace on Aug 21 2013, 8:12p

Nunez fell back like he got shot.

No Subject

by Ella Grace on Aug 21 2013, 8:15p

Looks like Nunez was the one who got (puts on sunglasses) gunned down at second.

Now Nunez is down.

by Matthew Floratos on Aug 27 2013, 8:27p

No Subject

by Michael Brown on Aug 27 2013, 8:36p

NUNEZ IS INVULNERABLE!


STEAL 2ND, NUNEZ

by Greg Kirkland on Aug 27 2013, 8:36p

Nunez was playing possum

by long time listener on Aug 27 2013, 8:36p


No Subject

by waw on Aug 27 2013, 8:47p

So, Nunez really is hurt then?

No Subject

by Jason Cohen on Aug 27 2013, 8:52p

Hey you, you should GIF Nunez being snipped on the field.

No Subject

by Tanya Bondurant on Aug 27 2013, 9:45p

Daniel Barbarisi @DanBarbarisi

Follow

Girardi on Eduardo Nunez' tendency to look like he has a catastrophic injury when he's really fine: "That's a nunie-ism."

9:42 PM - 27 Aug 2013

No Subject

by Michael Brown on Aug 27 2013, 9:48p

I’m definitely borrowing that for next time Nunez does something stupid.

Nunez saying that his knee is pretty bad, by the way.

by Matthew Floratos on Aug 28 2013, 9:38p

Going for some magnetic resonance tomorrow.

Weeeeee

by Greg Kirkland on Aug 28 2013, 9:39p

Erik Boland ✔ @eboland11

Follow

Nunez said the pain in his right knee got "worse" when he ran pregame. Will go for MRI tomorrow. Said he is worried it will show something

9:37 PM - 28 Aug 2013

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Sep 12 2013, 8:36p

/runner steals second
//Nunez throws
///fan sitting behind third base dugout is killed by throw

No Subject

by Andrew Mearns on Jan 2 2014, 3:23p

I can think of at least one writer here who would support this.

Eduardo Nunez: Take up another trade or occupation.

No Subject

by Jason Cohen on Jan 2 2014, 4:04p

Where the hell is Eduardo Nunez here? Oh, right, it’s "Don’t be found after I’ve made you disappear"

throw in Nunez

by long time listener on Jan 2 2014, 9:51p

No Subject

by Harlan Spence on Jan 2 2014, 10:31p

throw in Nunez

…to a volcano.

Narrator: Some of the stories are a bit conspiratorial

No Subject

by boomboomoutgotheligh on Jan 29 2014, 9:46p

I have a private investigator working on that Nunez to prove or disprove the hypothesis that Nunez is blackmailing someone in the Yankees front office. There appears to be some interesting e-mail conversations with Randy Levine nothing positive just a lot of innuendo type stuff like;
Levine: ‘Hey NoonNoon don’t forget we pushed your "DL" stint up to April 23rd this year.’
Nunez: ‘Stop calling me that. And I want to play for my Grandmother who is visiting in June.’
Levine: ‘No No can do NoonNoon we have Tanaka now and hope to compete this year. UR going to have to go on the DL early.’
Nunez: ‘I do not like this changes to the agreement. And I don’t like you calling me NoonNoon. It sounds like baby.’
Levine: ‘Easy big fella. U need to calm down. Just one more time for the team.’ Promise next year U can play the whole Summer at SS.’
Nunez: ‘But I was promised I did my part with you know who.’
Levine: ‘Never speak of that. Ever. Do you U understand. And U will go down April 23rd.’

It’s kinda inconclusive but he’s still investigating. Probably going to have to do some wiretapping to get some definite answers.
But realistically if any of the infield invites are respectable Nunez should not make the cut. The entire infield should be viewed as an open competition even Jeter is going to have to show he can play the position.

Narrator: Some are self accusatory

And I replied in the wrong place

by david d on Feb 23 2014, 3:52p

What’s that make me, Nunez?

no

by long time listener on Feb 23 2014, 3:53p

You’d be Nunez if you replied in the wrong place in every thread, and people still said you were on the cusp of being commenter of the year.

Narrator: And then, on February 26, 2014, the Nunez Saga truly begins:

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Feb 26 2014, 11:53a

/Nunez limps away on crutches

Girardi: What’s wrong with him?
Trainer: It’s just a stomach bug. He wouldn’t leave us alone until we gave him those crutches.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Feb 26 2014, 12:27p

Nunez: AAAH I NEED MORPHINE
Trainer: Eduardo, you just stubbed your toe on the doorframe. And you litterally just did it as you were running into this room to tell me about another injury you think you have.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Feb 26 2014, 6:05p

JackZ – "Okay, Cashman. We’re looking to get rid of Nick Franklin, but we need something worthwhile in return!"

$$$$Man – "I’ll give you Nunez and R…"

JackZ – "DONE!"

Nunez: "I can't play today coach. Need to hit the DL."

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 1 2014, 1:31p

Coach: "For fucks sake, Nunez, you just clipped your toenail"

Looks like the Nunez Sniper decided to take them all out

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 2 2014, 11:58a

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 2 2014, 12:01p

/Nunez walks in and sees everyone on the ground

Nunez: OH AND YOU GUYS SAY I FAKE INJURIES
Trainer: We’re stretching… Every time we try to do that with you, you tell us to stop trying to pull your arm off and then run away screaming.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 4 2014, 6:21p

/Someone in the locker room pops bubble wrap

Nunez: AAAAAAH IVE BEEN SHOT MAN DOWN MAN DOWN

Nunez 2 run dinger

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 4 2014, 6:38p

Callin’ it

No Subject

by Andrew Mearns on Mar 4 2014, 6:38p

Nunez: Nix.

Nunez you fucking stiff

by long time listener on Mar 4 2014, 7:10p

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 4 2014, 7:12p

/someone at the game yells that at Nunez
Nunez: Stiff? Stiff… Oh. OH! I got it! AAAH MY BACKS STIFF I CANT PLAY

If Nunez bit his tongue, he'd ask to be put on the 60DL

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 5 2014, 1:09p

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 13 2014, 10:41p

Nunez: "Oh GOD. Coach. A Great White Shark tried to bite me running down the line! I’m down! "
Coach: "That’s a base. A BASE. THE VERY NAME OF THE SPORT YOU’RE PLAYING!"

Nunez: "Doc, I just feel like everything is out to get me. OH GOD, THAT'S A SNIPER!"

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 14 2014, 2:37p

Psychiatrist: "No, my dear boy. That’s a Rorschach test. You see what you want to see."

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 16 2014, 1:14p

/Nunez assumes the sound of the ball off the bat is a gunshot, takes cover

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 16 2014, 1:14p

/Nunez then claims he got shot immediately after taking cover

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 16 2014, 1:17p

/Girardi and the trainer come out to look at him
Nunez: Guys, I’m not gonna make it. I just wanted to let you know that I love you
/Girardi and trainer return to dugout, game continues with Nunez pretending to be dead in the middle of the infield

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 16 2014, 1:23p

Teixeira: Hey you want to get something to eat after the game?
Kelly Johnson: Yeah, sure.
Nunez: Hey guys can I come?
Johnson: Uh, aren’t you dead?
Nunez Oh, right!
/Goes back to pretending to be dead

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 16 2014, 1:28p

/Anna, Sizemore, and Solarte stare at Nunez from dugout, shake their heads, sigh, head to the locker room

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 18 2014, 2:01p

Cashman: "And Montero didn’t leave any donuts for anyone else?"
Coach: "Nope."
Cashman: "Alright. I’ll get Jack Z on the ph…what the hell is that yelling?"
Coach: "Oh, that’s Nunez. He’s in the tub. Siiiigh…probably thinks it’s Piranhas again…"
Cashman: /facepalms

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 18 2014, 2:07p

Coach: /hears that, looks at Cashman, then open palm points towards Nunez…
Cashman: "He’s still young. Don’t worry. He’ll get over that in a few years."
Coach: "Siiiigh. You’re the boss."

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 18 2014, 2:20p

Later that day
/Cashman and Girardi sit in Cashman’s office, Cashman picks up phone
Cashman: Jack? Hey how you doing. Ok, what would you think of a Montero for Pineda tra…
/Nunez accidentally walks in
Nunez: What’s going on here? Is this something illegal? Are you guys trafficking humans?!? LOOKILL TAKE THE DRUGS ACROSS THE BORDER PLEASE DONT HURT ME

Nunez is on twitter

by HaafuLilly on Mar 20 2014, 5:52p

How long before he’s on the DL from troll-related depression?
My feels... they hurt so bad!

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 20 2014, 6:05p

/Nunez walks into Girardi’s office with tears in his eyes
Nunez: I’m gonna have to go on the DL.
Girardi: With what?
Nunez: A broken heart, since you told me I’m not playing anymore
Girardi: …..That’s the Girardi’s Binder parody Twitter account….

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 20 2014, 7:22p

Nunez: But Joooooooooe, Ivan was tweeting weird pictures again today and you didn’t say anything to him! ITS NOT FAIR
/stomps off

Nunez is like the MS Paper Clip

by Andrew Mearns on Mar 20 2014, 7:27p

"Hey, I see you’re working on a rally there! Let me help!"
/ruins everything/

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 21 2014, 5:36p

For the record, the Tanaka-sized Nunezes would not also gain Tanaka’s powers, it would just be a Nunez. So if you like kicked it in the knee it would die. The Nunez-sized Tanakas would not be fun to deal with.

No Subject

by aaronshelbyrose on Mar 22 2014, 1:08p

Nunez developed a sympathetic bruise.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 22 2014, 1:09p

/Nunez talks to Cervelli after the game
Nunez: I feel like we’re so close that we’re almost brothers. When you got hit, it was like I felt it too.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 22 2014, 1:12p

Nunez: That hurts too, man.
/runs away crying

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 22 2014, 1:25p

Nunez: N…no. I have to go on the DL. I dropped my watch in the toilet and…when I went to reach it…m-my hand got stuck. THEY’RE GONNA HAVE TO SAW MY ARMS OFFFFF /sobs
McCann: ………I’ll go get the janitor….

Nunez, are you still holding on to the watch?

by long time listener on Mar 22 2014, 1:27p

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 22 2014, 1:31p

Nunez: Your point being?

/open palm points at Nunez

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 22 2014, 1:42p

What more do you need to see here?

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 22 2014, 1:45p

Nunez: I CANT SEE ANTHING IM BLIND. DL.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 23 2014, 12:23p

/open palm points at Nunez
Anything else???

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 23 2014, 12:25p

Nunez: I told them my arm was hurting and I needed to go on the DL, but they played me anyway.
/runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 23 2014, 12:37p

Nunez: I have to get out my nervous energy somethow! You guys told me to stop eating before the game so I wouldn’t throw up!
Girardi: Uh, we didn’t tell you to stop eating before the game so you wouldn’t throw up. In fact, we didn’t tell you to stop eating before the game. We just asked you to chew with your mouth closed.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 23 2014, 12:41p

Nunez: But..but then how am I going to breathe?
Girardi: ……your nose?
Nunez: But I don’t have it anymore… Tex took it…. AND HE WON’T GIVE IT BAA-AAACK /sniffles

/Girardi and the coach just look at each other with a blank stare

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 23 2014, 12:51p

/Nunez runs away

Teixeira: Ummmm…what now?
Girardi: I don’t know, Texy. I really do not know.
Teixeira: Just throwing this out there, but he has a hard time throwing to firs…
Girardi: I’m aware of the situation, thank you. /frustrated

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 23 2014, 2:05p

Nunez errors are starting to grate. Yangervis Solarte is still doing great

No Subject

by david d on Mar 23 2014, 2:06p

Nunez’ errors have grated me for a looooonng time.

No Subject

by Tanya Bondurant on Mar 23 2014, 2:14p

I don’t like Nunez at third base. I do not like him any place.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 23 2014, 2:16p

Nunez: I ATE GREEN EGGS AND HAM AND NOW I HAVE FOOD POISONING

That would be a fun DL listing

by Michael Brown on Mar 23 2014, 2:18p

Nunez: 15 days Green Eggs and/or ham

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 23 2014, 2:21p

Nunez: THERES ALSO A WOCKET IN MY POCKET PLEASE GET IT OUT OF THERE IM SO SCARED

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 23 2014, 2:30p

Nunez: Okay, I’ll read this instead.
/picks up Stephen King book
/cuts to two weeks later, Kelly Johnson knocks on Nunez’s door
Johnson: Eduardo, come out already. Spring training is over, we need to go to New York
Nunez: I AM NOT COMING OUT YOU CANT MAKE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 25 2014, 11:56a

Nunez: OWWW! OH! I BURNED MYSELF. GOTTA GO ON THE DL!
Coach: For the love of…that’s Gazpacho. IT’S COLD.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 28 2014, 7:53p

/Nunez sitting in Hal’s office
Nunez: Wha-what do you mean I haven’t made the roster yet? I-I play hard, I keep my elbows of the table, I..I..I take small bites…
Hal: …….why are you on my lap? I’m not Santa Claus

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 28 2014, 8:12p

Nunez: What? This is how I normally greet people.
Hal: Well…don’t.
Nunez: I guess that explains why no one would hang out with me for the first month I was on team.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 28 2014, 8:55p

https://twitter.com/eboland11/status/449725282774437888
/Nunez thinks this means he’s actually numb and is injured, gets excited
Nunez: Still got a chance. Time to prove myself!
/trips over chair

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 28 2014, 8:57p

Nunez: OH NO. ANOTHER DL STINT. IS THIS THE END FOR EDUARDO?!?
Coach: ….that was a Bean Bag chair…

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Mar 28 2014, 9:01p

Nunez: Well beanbag chairs in the clubhouse is insulting. Whose idea was that anyway?
Solarte: Yours…

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 28 2014, 9:05p

Coach: We didn’t have a choice. Regular folding chairs were out, and don’t even get me started on bar stools…
Nunez: But….I like to spin on them…
Coach: YOU THREW UP ON SOJO!!!

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Mar 30 2014, 12:39p

Nunez: I’M GOING ON THE DL AGAINNNNN!
Girardi: No Nunez…you’re being sent to Scranton.
Nunez: S-SCRANTON?! WHYYYY? IT’S SCARY THERE. THERE ARE SNIPERS AND MONSTERSAND
Girardi: For the last time, Quills is a mascot. He’s harmless.
Nunez: THEN WHY DOES HE HATE MEEEEEEEEE? /runs away crying
Girardi: …it’s a mystery, alright…

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 1 2014, 12:40p

/Nunez reads this post
Nunez: Whew. At least I’m not in the negatives
Scranton Coach: You’re not in the positives either.
Nunez: I’M GOING ON THE DLLLLLLLLLLLL /runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 1 2014, 12:46p

Two hours later
/Nunez comes back into locker room
Nunez: Okay, I’m alright now. In fact I’m even kinda happy to be here. There are good restaurants here, I can hang out with Quills, I can go check out Schrute Farms…
Dave Miley: Schrute Farms doesn’t exist.
Nunez: WHAT?!?!
Miley: "The Office" was a sitcom not a documentary.
/Nunez runs away crying again

Oh he still will

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 1 2014, 3:32p

That’s not going away!

Nunez: B-BUT I AM. /runs away crying
Solarte: /puts on #26 Perhaps I should wash this first…

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 1 2014, 5:35p

Nunez: JUST PUT ME ON THE DLLLLLLLLLL
Cashman: No no, Nunez. You’ve been DFA’d.
Nunez: Is….is that the DL?
Cashman: Siiiiiigh no. No it is not. And now, if you can kindly get out of my office, I have work to do.
Nunez: YOU’RE JUST EATING A SANDWICH!!
Cashman: And it’s delicious. Now please, leave.

/Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 1 2014, 7:40p

Nunez: They’ll miss me. I KNOW THEY WILL.
/cuts to Yankees Clubhouse Party

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 1 2014, 7:42p

/Nunez walks up to Jeter
Nunez: Thanks for everything you’ve done for me, man.
Jeter: I’m sorry, who are you?

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 1 2014, 7:45p

Jeter: Someone call security please.
Nunez: I THOUGHT WE WERE BROOOOS

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 1 2014, 7:49p

/Security comes to get Nunez
Nunez: Okay fine, I’ll go.
/Nunez walks towards door
Nunez: But before I go, I just want to say that this was so unnecessary and unprofe
/McCann opens door from the other side and knocks over Nunez

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 1 2014, 7:52p

McCann: Oh. My bad, Nunez.
Nunez: I HAVE TO GO ON THE DLLLLLL /cries
Coach: YOU’RE NOT EVEN ON THE TEA….nevermind. Security, get him out of here!

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 1 2014, 7:55p

/Security guards lead Nunez out
/Nunez sobbing
Nunez: Does Scranton have a DL?
Guard: I don’t know, I’m a security guard…

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 1 2014, 7:57p

Nunez: I…I don’t suppose you guys are hiring, just in case?
Guard: Yeaaaaah ummmmm…I’ll look into that for you
/other guard snickers

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 1 2014, 7:59p

/Seven months later
Nunez: AWWW YEAH EDUARDO NUNEZ: SECURITY GUARD LETS DO THIS
Guard: Why do you have a gun?!?! Get rid of it, we’re just mall security guards!
Nunez: Oh, okay fine
/Nunez literally shoots himself in the foot
NUNEZ: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 1 2014, 8:04p

Nunez: THE DL!?! SOMEONE PUT ME ON THE DLLLL!!
Guard: Like we told you when you got a papercut filling out your W2’s, that’s no longer an option!
Nunez: But…but coach.
Guard: I’m not your coach. Look seriously, we’ve called an ambulance. Just calm down.
Nunez: So….th-this is what it sounds like…when doves cry? /holds Guard’s hand
Guard: Siiiiiiiiiigh

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 1 2014, 8:08p

Nunez: GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD. ITS OVER FOR ME. I CAN SEE THE LIGHT.
Guard: Yeah, that’s a lamp.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 2 2014, 7:23p

Vengeful Nunez: Don’t worry. I’ll take care of his gift. Mwahaha…MWAHAHAHA…..AHAHAHAHAOWWWWWWWWW. I cracked my fingers while laaaaughiiiiing. GOING ON THE DL!!
Steve: …how did he get in here?

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 2 2014, 7:31p

/Nunez collapses due to the pain from cracking his fingers straight onto sand pile
/Steve sighes
Steve: You’re gonna have to rebuild that.
/Three months later
Nunez: Okay, it’s done!
Steve: That’s you in the back of an ambulance.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 2 2014, 7:34p

Nunez: I know! I figure the best gift the Rays could give Jeter would be a sculpture of his ol’ buddy Eduardo!
Steve: …..well whatever. It’s not my sand! I didn’t really care the first time either.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 2 2014, 9:24p

Nunez: YOU SAID THE SAME THING ABOUT MEEEEE… /runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 2 2014, 9:27p

Guy: Look man, in a way he compared you to Mickey Mantle.
/hugs Nunez
Nunez: Yeah, you’re right.
Guy: Now please put on your clothes and leave sir, this is a TGI Fridays.

No Nunez, we were at disney land

by ShaunRunDMC on Apr 2 2014, 9:29p

and I was pointing out to my kids you were taking photos with Mickey Mouse

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 2 2014, 9:29p

Nunez: Bu-but you said everyday feels like Friday in here…
Guy: Listen, I don’t know what you do on your Friday’s. Quite frankly I don’t want to know.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 2 2014, 9:34p

Nunez: Oh look. They’re showing footage of me from last year.
/friend looks at Nunez and shakes his head

No Subject

by Tanya Bondurant on Apr 4 2014, 7:57p

"No knock on Nunez"

ZzzZzzZZZzzZzzZ

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 4 2014, 7:59p

Nunez: NO KNOCK? I HAVE NO KNOCK? AAAAAAAAH DLLLLLLLLLL
Trainer: THATS NOT A REAL BODY PART SIT DOWN EDUARDO

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 4 2014, 9:59p

Nunez: CURSES. FOILED AGAIN. GOING ON THE DLLLLLL

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 4 2014, 9:59p

Nunez: OKAY NUNEZ ARMY CHAAAAARRRRGGGGEEEEE
/Nunez runs forward and falls
Nunez: OW Okay, skinned my knee…DL.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 6 2014, 12:44p

Nunez: HEY! I-I play defense just fine!
Friend: That was MLB The Show. And even then, you made 5 errors
Nunez: IT WAS THE CONTROLLERS FAAAAAAAULLLLTTTT /runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 6 2014, 12:50p

/Nunez and friend start another game
Nunez: Ok, leading off is me.
/video game Nunez is hit with a pitch
Nunez: AAAAAAAH MY BACK
Friend: Oh come, Eduardo. The character is not a voo doo doll.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 6 2014, 1:01p

Nunez: /tears in eyes That’s what you said about my action figure
Friend: And I was right. You did not hurt your ankle when you dropped it. Furthermore, YOU ARENOT THE BLUE POWER RANGER!

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 6 2014, 2:00p

Nunez: Hey, I’ve been in the lineup while I was also on the DL.
Trainer: Yeah, we never actually put you on the DL, we just told you we did.
/Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 7 2014, 5:12p

Nunez: I have no idea what you’re talking about, I don’t have a twin.
Cashman: …….

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 7 2014, 5:22p

Cashman: Actually, we’re sending you to see your old buddy Phil Hughes.
Nunez: Hughes? B-But he hated me. Something about ground ball errors costed him games and stuff.
Cashman: Yeaaaah, that’s a thing alright.
Nunez: BUT HE’LL BE MEAN TO ME. I DON’T WANNA GOOOOOOOO!!!!

Hopefully they're working on his fundamentals

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 8 2014, 1:52p

Who knows, maybe without the NY pressure, he could be good with the Twins.

Nunez: Thanks Greg.
Me: No problem. /pats Nunez on the back
Nunez: MY SPINE. NOW I’M GOING ON THE DL AGAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN /runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 8 2014, 1:59p

Nunez: Hey, Phil. Since there’s way more room here, you think I should play outfield? More ground to cover and I can do it.
Hughes: I know where you could play in the field.
/cuts to Target Field team store
Nunez: So a lot a balls get hit over here?
Hughes: Oh, yeah. All the time. Get ready to make some plays
Kids: Sir, how much is this hat?

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 8 2014, 2:35p

/Kids hand money to Nunez, Nunez gets a papercut
Nunez: WAAAAAAAAH. I’M HIT. THE PAAAAAIN!

No Subject

by JumpinJackFlash on Apr 9 2014, 9:14p

Girardi: "Wait a second" /pulls off mask "Nunez, you were traded to Minnesota"

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 9 2014, 9:16p

Nunez: Oh, I know how I’ll get back to New York!
/Nunez puts on fake mustache and books plane ticket
Cashman: You really think I’d fall for "Neduardo Eunez"?
/Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 17 2014, 9:16p

Nunez: You see that Phil, I got a bunt down!
Hughes: You killed five fans in the process, though.
/Nunez runs way crying

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 17 2014, 9:21p

Nunez: Goodbye cruel world.
Hughes: Listen….the bear just a mascot. He’s not going to maul you, AND WHY WOULD YOUCHOOSE TO END IT THAT WAY?
T.C. Bear: Um….who says I won’t maul him?

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 18 2014, 6:17p

/Mauer hits and home run and high fives Nunez back in the dugoit
Nunez: Yeah….OW!
Mauer: What?
Nunez: MY HAND ITS BROKEN. DL.
Mauer: ………
Hughes: You get used to it.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 19 2014, 4:32p

Nunez: Whoever DFA’s people is a big, fat, doodyhead. Why are they so mean?
Hughes: Who are you talking to?
Nunez: T.C. We’re buddies now.
Hughes: He doesn’t like you. Also, that’s just a photo of him he took at the beginning of the year. You’re talking to the wall.
Nunez: W-Well you’re my buddy, right?
Hughes: ……./sighs I suppose so.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 19 2014, 5:12p

/Aaron Hicks walks by
Nunez: Aaron, you’re my bud too, right?
Hicks: Uhhh, sure. Now please let go of my leg and go back to the dugout. I’m trying to hit.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 19 2014, 5:19p

Nunez: I’m so happy to be here in Milwaukee. So many new friends.
Hughes: For the 10th time, we’re in Minnesota. You’re on the Twins.
Nunez: B-B-BUT I WANTED TO GO DOWN THE SLIIIIIIIIDE
/runs off crying

Hicks: Was this a thing in New York Ci…
Hughes: Yes. Yes it was.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 19 2014, 5:25p

/Two hours later, Nunez comes back
Nunez: Okay guys, I’ve figured out how to learn more about the Minnesota culture
/Nunez puts on hat
Hughes: What, that’s a cheesehead? That’s not even the right sport!

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 19 2014, 5:36p

Hicks: Dude! DUDE! Take that off RIGHT NOW. Are you trying to get yourself killed? We’re in Vikings country!
Nunez: Vikings don’t like cheese?
Hicks: TAKE IT OFF!

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 19 2014, 11:25p

/Claiborne thinks before smiling and nodding
Claiborne: I’ve got an idea.
/Two week later, cuts to Eduardo Nunez holding a badminton racket like a baseball bat
Nunez: So how do I do this?

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 19 2014, 11:32p

Nunez: So I just try and hit the ball, like in tennis.
Claiborne: It’s called a shuttlecock, and Geeves here will show you the rest.
/minutes later after being hit in the wrist with the shuttlecock
Nunez: OH GOD. THE PAIN. DLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
Geeves: Begging your pardon, Master Nunez, but there is no DL in Badminton.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 19 2014, 11:48p

Announcer: Round 1 of the Royal Badminton Tournament, match 1 between Cambridge and Sheffield.
Nunez: Gary Sheffield is playing in this?
Geeves: No, it’s a team from the city of Sheffield in Yorkshire.
Nunez: There’s a city named after Gary Sheffield?
Geeves: ………

Apparently Nunez was also in the stands holding a sign saying "Take me back" before screaming how he was drowning

by ShaunRunDMC on Apr 20 2014, 12:17p

apparently he knocked over his large soda

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 20 2014, 1:22p

Nunez: But I don’t pitch. I play SS.
Hughes: You don’t even do that really well either.
Nunez: WAAAAAAAAAH. DLLLLLL. /runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 20 2014, 1:25p

Nunez: OH YEAH PHIL WELL YOU DONT PITCH WELL EITHER
Hughes: That’s fair. Now please let go of that alpaca, Eduardo. I think you’re suffocating it. I don’t even know why you brought it to the clubhouse.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 21 2014, 5:47p

Nunez: But….but I wanted to go back on the Yankees for my Easter Present. I didn’t want eggs.
Coach: For the last time Eduardo, this is not Christmas. Also, even if it were, I highly doubt Santa could get you back on the Yankees.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 21 2014, 11:28p

/8 months from now in the Mall of America
Santa: Ho ho ho! Who’s next?
/Nunez cuts four kids in line and sits on Santa’s lap
Nunez: LISTEN OLD MAN I DONT NEED TOYS JUST GET ME BACK ON THE YANKEES
Santa: …I can’t do that.
Nunez: JUST DO IT
Santa: I’m a mall Santa, not a miracle worker….
/Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 22 2014, 2:05p

What do you think the Yankees should do with Ivan Nova’s roster spot?

Nunez: Well….you know what I think they shoul..
/Hughes interrupts Nunez
Hughes: Stop, Ed. Just please…stop!

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 22 2014, 2:17p

Nunez: I was just gonna say that I think Billings might be an option.
Hughes: Were you really?
Nunez: ……no.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 22 2014, 5:53p

/Nunez comes home from a game one night and turns on YES.
Nunez: WHOA THEY SHOW BASEBALL ON TV???
Friend: What? Yes…. What do you watch then?
Nunez: I always watch this one show called "Magic Bullet".
Friend: That’s an infomercial…

No Subject

by Andrew Mearns on Apr 22 2014, 6:02p


Nunez: I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM TAKING SHOES OFF

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 22 2014, 6:02p

Hughes: Hey, Eduardo, that looks like you trying to play shortstop!
/Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by selftitled85 on Apr 22 2014, 8:50p

Tex returns to bench. Removes mask to show Nunez underneath.

Nunez: Coach I neeeeeeeeeed to go to the DLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 24 2014, 11:53a

Nunez: Hello………is anyone out there?

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 24 2014, 11:55a

/Nunez goes into store at the Mall of America, takes a bunch of stuff and leaves without paying
Cashier: Uh sir, you have to pay for all that.
/Nunez running away
Nunez: NO I DONT IM THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH WOOHOO
Security: Sigh…I’ll go get him.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 24 2014, 2:40p

Nunez: They made a stat about me? I’m famous now!
Hughes: Ed…they’re making fun of you.
Nunez: THIS IS ALL THAT BLASTED YANGERVISES FAULT. I’ll have my revenge on him soon.
Hughes: Pouring hot sauce on his burger is no…you know what. Go with that.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 25 2014, 6:48p

Nunez: So, um, can I be in the group?

Pelfrey: Hell noooo
Nolasco: Hell nooooooooo
Perkins: Hell nooooooooooooooo
Hughes: Hell noooooooooooooooooooooo
/in unison : HELL NO!

No Subject

by JumpinJackFlash on Apr 25 2014, 6:56p

Nunez: My ear drums! Now I gotta go on the DL!

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Apr 27 2014, 8:52p

Nunez: Pfft. I could lose my helmet rounding the bases no problem.
McDonalds cashier: That’s nice sir, but what would you like to order?
Nunez: STOP PUTTING PRESSURE ON ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
/Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 29 2014, 5:55p

Nunez: That means gritty, right?
Gardner: Excuse me?
Solarte: How’d he get back in the clubhouse? SECURITY!
/Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Apr 29 2014, 8:17p

Nunez: Haha, now they’re making fun of YOU!
Hughes: They still make fun of you. Also, I wasn’t DFA’d.
Nunez: YOU’RE SO MEAAAAAAAAAN /runs away while flail-crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 2 2014, 6:39p

/coroner pulls sheet back to reveal his face
Coroner: Oh, come on Eduardo. I’ve told you ten times to stop this already.
/without opening eyes
Nunez: Excuse me sir, I’m trying to be dead here.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 2 2014, 9:32p

Nunez: CURSES. FOILED AGAIN BY THAT DAMN PINSTRIPE ALLEY!
Hughes: Why do you read that site? You know they only mock us.
Nunez: They mock you too? OMG, WE’RE BFF’s!
Hughes: …you’re hugging me again…

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 4 2014, 4:19p

Nunez: Human? HA! I knew they didn’t just me for a mascot, like T.C. said they did.
Hughes: Of course they didn’t. He just wanted you to run away crying like you always do so he could smoke a cigar.
Nunez: I don’t run away crying all the time!
Hughes: There’s an ant on your foot.
Nunez: AHHHHH. WHERE? GOING TO THE DLLLLLL! /runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 4 2014, 4:23p

/Two hours later Hughes walks into bathroom
Nunez: Hello? Who’s there?
Hughes: It’s me, Eduardo. What’s up?
Nunez: Ummmm….can you help me with something?
Hughes: ……what is it?
Nunez: I kinda tried to drown that ant you said was on my foot and, uhhhh, my foot got stuck in the toilet.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 4 2014, 4:28p

Hughes: Yeah sure…I’ll go get maintenance.
Nunez: You’re a true pal, Phil
/Hughes walks out of the bathroom and see Pelfrey
Pelfrey: Hey Phil. Where ya headed?
Hughes: To get a drink.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 4 2014, 4:41p

/Later that night after everyone’s left, maintenance crew comes in to clean bathroom
Nunez: Finally, someone to help me get out of here.
Maintenance: Hey! The stadium is closed, you’re not supposed to be here. I’m calling security.
Nunez: No no no, you don’t understand….
/Maintenance radios to security
Maintenance: Hey we got an intruder in the Twins clubhouse bathroom. He’s wearing a bunch of Twins clothes that have clearly been stolen from the locker room.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 4 2014, 4:52p

/two security guards head for the bathroom
Ralph: Heh, bet you didn’t think you’d be seeing action on your first day, huh?
Steve: Yeah. I figured it’d be a little quieter here in Minnesota. That’s why I moved my family here from the Bronx. You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff I had to deal with at Yankee Stadium.
/they enter the bathroom and Nunez sees them
Nunez: STEVE!!!
Steve: …..oh good god no….

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 4 2014, 5:08p

Nunez: Boy am I glad to see you, Steve. You can explain to everyone that this is all a misunderstanding.
Ralph: You know this guy?
Steve: Unfortunately.
Nunez: C’mon Steve! Think of all the fun times we had!
Steve: Well, there was that time you crashed the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile into Monument Park. Then, there was the time I had to stay at your apartment because you thought your roommate was going to kill you in a fit of night terrors, even though your roommate was a guinea pig. There was the one time you somehow smuggled a bunch of buffaloes into the visitors’ bullpen. And then there was the time….

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 8 2014, 8:09p

Yankees Webmaster: We just got an order for 50 Eduardo Nunez plaques? We still sell Eduardo Nunez plaques?
/Two days later a delivery man knocks on a door
Delivery Man: Delivery, sir.
/Nunez opens door
Nunez: FINALLY

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 8 2014, 9:44p

Nunez: Yeah, me too!
Hughes: No you don’t. Not even close
Nunez: I COULD IF I WANTED TOO!!!! /runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 9 2014, 8:17p

Nunez: Come on that wouldn’t have been that bad.
Guy: Who are you talking to? And put your pants on, this is an Applebee’s

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 9 2014, 8:19p

Nunez: Applebee’s? How’d I get in here?
Guy: That’s what I’d like to know.
/cuts to Hughes and T.C. Bear laughing as they drive away

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 9 2014, 8:23p

/cuts to two weeks later
TC Bear: Phil, did Eduardo ever come back?
Hughes: I don’t think so. That’s weird.
/cuts to the Applebee’s
Waitress: Eduardo, table seven needs their appetizers.
Nunez: IM GOING AS FAST AS I CAN
/Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by Elcruzter55 on May 9 2014, 8:25p

Nunez: Hey I have value! In second grade I won the spelling bee in my school.
Teacher: That was a participation trophy, Eduardo.
/ Nunez runs away crying.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 9 2014, 8:32p

Samantha: Listen boss…I know he works for free, but he keeps dropping plates.
/hears a crash and Nunez say sorry in the distance
John: I know I know. I’ll…fire him tonight.
/an hour later
John: Look Ed um…we have to let you go. It’s just not working out.
Nunez: Wh-why not?
John: Well besides the broken plates, the staff AND customer complaints, and the constant lack of pants…. you don’t really work here. You just showed up one day.
Nunez: NOBODY WANTS MEEEEEE! /runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 9 2014, 8:36p

/TC Bear and Hughes sitting around watching TV when the phone rings
Hughes: Hello?
/Nunez on the other end
Nunez: Phil? I need a ride. Can you come get me? I’m at an Applebee’s.
Hughes: Yeah, sure.
/hangs up phone

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 9 2014, 8:39p

/Nunez in car with Samantha
Nunez: Thanks for giving me a ride back to Target Field, Sam.
Samantha: No problem. What happened to your ride?
Nunez: I dunno. Phil probably couldn’t find the place. He has trouble finding the zone sometimes, especially on a 0-2 count.
Samantha: Uhhh yeah.
/awkward silence
Nunez: So…ummmm….what are you doing Saturday ni…
Samantha: No!

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 9 2014, 8:47p

/Hughes, TC Bear, Joe Mauer, and Glen Perkins sit around playing poker
Mauer: I call.
/knock at door and then a muffled voice speaks
Nunez: Phil, I’m home.
Hughes: Crap, everyone hide. I’ll distract him and then you guys can blindslide him and then we’ll take him back to that Applebee’s.

No Subject

by aaronshelbyrose on May 11 2014, 3:23p

Nunez, standing in a cemetery: when is this guy going to throw?

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 11 2014, 3:25p

Nunez: Did you see that, TC? I DID IT!
T.C. Bear: Yes, but you got thrown out at 2nd.
Nunez: Yeaaah. But I scored off that guy who shushed me when I was on the Yankees.
Hughes: YOU’RE NOT MARIANO RIVERA, AND THIS IS THE LAST TIME I’M GONNA BRING IT UP!
/Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 11 2014, 3:36p

Hughes: The thing is, what Joba called Nunez behind his back was way worse than the stuff he called everyone else.
TC Bear: What did he call him?
/Nunez pops out of nowhere scaring Hughes and TC
Nunez: Yeah, what did he call me?
Hughes: You really want to know?
Nunez: Yes!
/Hughes whispers in Nunez’s ear and Nunez runs away crying
TC Bear: Oh man, was it that bad?
Hughes: Yes, but I just told Eduardo that the DVR didn’t record "That’s So Raven" today.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 13 2014, 3:45p

Nunez: See?! My bat is useful!
TC Bear: Yes, as in you cannot field. Plus, you’re currently breathing and able to swing it.
Nunez: Is this an innuendo regarding my last date with Samantha from Applebees?
TC Bear: That wasn’t a date. It was a court order.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 13 2014, 4:10p

Nunez: That was a date, silly! Her dad asked me a lot of questions before we left. Plus, we made plans for tomorrow!
TC Bear: No, tomorrow is when the next hearing is. And her "dad" was actually her lawyer.
Nunez: Hmph, well, we’ll see if I ever invite you to come on a double date again.
/Nunez walks away
TC Bear: Eduardo, I have to come. You hired me as your lawyer.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 13 2014, 8:04p

Nunez: Yak’s Milk?!?! The guys gave me some after a game! It was delicious
/Twins dugout bursts into laughter.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 13 2014, 9:36p

/phone rings, TC picks it up
TC Bear: Hello?
Police Office: Mr. Bear, we picked up your client at Applebee’s. He was in clear violation of the court order.
/Nunez in the background
Nunez: Is that TC? Tell him to pick me up and take me mini-golfing.
Police Office: Sir, you are not going anywhere.
TC Bear: ….ummm, yeaaaaah. You got the wrong number.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 17 2014, 2:12p

Nunez: HEY. What about me? I’m on the DL as well.
Hughes: For the last time, you were DFA’d. You don’t get to play for another team then just magically go back to the Yankees.
TC Bear: Hughes is lying. You can go back to NY any time you want!
Nunez: YAAAAAAY! /runs away happy while TC Bear looks at Hughes
TC Bear: See how easy that was?

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 17 2014, 2:39p

/later that day in the clubhouse, Ron Gardenhire walks up to Hughes and TC
Gardenhire: Where’s Eduardo? He’s in the lineup today and I can’t find him anywhere.
Hughes: Haven’t seen him.
TC Bear: Yeah, I don’t know. He must be around here somewhere.
/Gardenhire walks away
TC Bear: Whoops.
/cuts to Nunez on plane heading to New York
Nunez: Awww yeah!

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on May 17 2014, 2:47p

Flight attendant: Um sir…we don’t have you listed as a passenger on this flight.
Nunez: Don’t worry. Just hitching a ride back to New York. I’m gonna play on the Yankees.
Flight attendant: ….oh. That’s…that’s great. Hang on a sec.
/cuts to Flight attendant talking to security
Flight attendant: That’s him right there in 14C…He’s crazy.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 17 2014, 2:53p

Security: Sir, you need to come with us.
Nunez: Am I getting upgraded to first class?
Security: Um…sort of.
Nunez: Sweet!

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on May 21 2014, 5:54p

Nunez: Nunez time?
Girardi: How did you get in the dugout?

No Subject

by Kevin L on May 21 2014, 5:54p

*Nunez strains his lips and
Girardi: Get me a stretcher…

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jun 14 2014, 10:13p

/Nunez waiting by the phone
Nunez: Any day now. Annnny day.
/Hughes walks by
Hughes: They’re NOT calling, Ed.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jun 14 2014, 10:16p

/phone rings, Nunez picks it up excitedly
Nunez: YES HELLO BRIAN?!?!
Voice: This is VISA. Someone on your credit card keeps booking and cancelling plane tickets to New York. Can you confirm whether or not you’ve made these purchases?
Nunez: IM ON MY WAY BRIAN. YESSSSS
/Nunez drops phone
Voice: Hello?

No Subject

by Michael Brown on Jun 14 2014, 10:20p

I’m wondering if Hughes just ignores poor Ed now that he’s pitching like a star.

Nunez – "Don’t you remember me Phil? We were buddies in New York!?"
PH – "Pssh, somebody take this riffraff out of my sight."

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jun 14 2014, 10:21p

/TC Bear picks up phone
Voice: Hello?
TC Bear: Can I help you?
Voice: Yes, I was trying to reach a Mr. Eduardo Nunez.
TC Bear: ….this is Nunez. How can I help you?
Voice: Someone on your credit card keeps booking plane tickets, then cancelling them.
TC Bear: Really? That’s odd. Can you do me a favor and cancel my card, as well as the plane tickets. Also, if anyone shows up at the airport claiming to be me, please report him to the proper authorities.
Voice: Yes sir, Mr. Nunez. Will that be all?
TC Bear: Oh yes. That’ll do nicely.

Or maybe he spotted Nunez in the crowd?

by Greg Kirkland on Jun 15 2014, 2:44p

Solarte: "Wait…..is that…??"
/see Nunez pointing at him with evil intents

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jun 17 2014, 10:13p

Nunez: Ha, yeah. Baseball’s so crazy.
Tanaka: I’m sorry, who are you and how did you get in here?
/Nunez runs away

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jun 17 2014, 10:20p

/Jeter sees Nunez running away
Jeter: ….oh god, he’s gonna be the gift the Twins give me…

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jun 17 2014, 10:25p

/Later in the season at the last Twins/Yankees game at Target Field
PA Announcer: Here to present Mr. Jeter with his gifts is Joe Mauer.
/Two Twins staffers stand to the side watching
Staffer 1: I recognize the other two gifts, but what’s in that giant box?
Staffer 2: ….I don’t know. I don’t think that’s supposed to be there.
Staffer 1: Oh no.
Staffer 2: What?
/Nunez pops out of the box naked

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jun 27 2014, 7:24p

/Solarte asks Jeter for autograph as Nunez slowly creeps into clubhouse
Jeter: Yeah, no.
/Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by aaronshelbyrose on Jun 27 2014, 8:17p

I wouldn’t care if I was Mr. Nunez. If point him out proudly. How many people could top it?

No Subject

by ShaunRunDMC on Jun 27 2014, 8:20p

Nunez: runs towards you screaming "DAAAADDDDDYYYYYY" trips and scrapes his knee, he starts blubbering "I got an ouchee!"

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jun 28 2014, 7:39p

Nunez – "Thanks Jeter. I knew I could count on your support!"
Hughes – "His name is Andrew. He writes for Pinstripe Alley. For god sake, you’re just talking to that TC Bear plushie!
Nunez – "Th-the real TC Bear won’t talk to me anymore! WAAAAAAH!" /runs away crying
Hughes – "Is that true TC?"
TC Bear – "Huh? No, I was just out of the suit when he sat down. I…didn’t want to interrupt him."

No Subject

by ShaunRunDMC on Jul 1 2014, 7:11p

Nunez: "I’ll Help I’ll tell you about the Time I won the MVP and Triple Crown!"

you: "No Nunez that wasn’t you, that Miguel Cabrera"

Nunez: "Then how do you explain this?" holds up a trophy

You: "That says Bronx Little League MVP Antonio Mitchell, and it’s made of plastic! "

No Subject

by Elcruzter55 on Jul 1 2014, 7:12p

You: And the name on isn’t even yours!
/Nunez runs aways crying.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 3 2014, 9:41p

Nunez: Hey TC, you got on the tv.
TC: Eduardo, you’re looking at a painting of flowers.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 3 2014, 9:43p

Nunez: Well….thanks for everything guys. But my ride’s here. /packing his bags
Hughes: Ed…we talked about this…
Nunez: It’s been really nice meeting everyone here. Hey, when you stop in NY, you can stay at my place.
Hughes: You’re not going with the Yankees, Ed.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 3 2014, 9:47p

/Nunez gets on bus
Nunez: Derek! Brett! Good to see you guys again!
Driver: Um, sir. This is a transit bus headed back to Minnetonka.
Nunez: I’mma Minne-tonk you on the head if we don’t get on the road to New York!
Driver: Well. Let’s get going then.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 3 2014, 10:10p

/TC walks up to Nunez as he’s warming up
TC: Hey, Eduardo, like my costume?
Nunez: AAAAH WHO ARE YOU??!?
TC: It’s TC….
Nunez: NO YOURE NOT TC DOESNT HAVE A BEARD
TC: It’s just an Uncle Sam costume for the 4th of July…
Nunez: NO ITS NOT IMPOSTER IM GETTING THE COPS

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 6 2014, 11:57a

Nunez: Hey Derek, I got you this Starbucks’ gift card as a present.
Jeter: Eduardo, that’s an index card with some chewed gum stuck to it.
Nunez: I was wondering where my gum went!

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 6 2014, 11:59a

Hughes: That wasn’t your gum. You grabbed it from under a seat in Section 200.
Nunez: Then why did I put it on the back of this card?
Hughes: ……I DON’T KNOW

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 6 2014, 12:04p

/Nunez puts gum in mouth
Nunez: Still has flavor!
Jeter: Yeaaahhhhh, I’m going back to the dugout now.
Hughes: Probably a good idea.
Nunez: Wait come back guys! I can find gum for all of us!

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 6 2014, 12:10p

Hughes: Congrats again, Jeter.
Jeter: Hey, you too Phil. Glad you’re pitching well for the Twins.
Nunez: What about me guys?
/Hughes and Jeter look at each other then walk away
/Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 6 2014, 12:21p

/Jeter is watching tv in a hotel room in Cleveland, Nunez crashes through the window and screams
Nunez: I SAID WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
/Jeter is startled
Jeter: Uhhhh, I’m glad you’re doing well too.
/Nunez suddenly happy again
Nunez: Thanks!
Jeter: If you came all the way to Cleveland to get me to do that, what did you do to Phil?
/cuts to the Twins clubhouse, where Hughes is tied up, TC removes the tape from his mouth
TC: Eduardo did this?!?!
Hughes: Look, I’m just as surprised as you that he pulled this off.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 6 2014, 1:31p

Nunez: That’s right. I use to be a stand up comedian. Everyone laughed at my jokes!
Hughes: No. No Ed…no. That wasn’t stand up. That was fielding practice. And those weren’t jokes, they were errors.
/Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 6 2014, 1:34p

/Nunez comes back two hours later
Nunez: You’re right, Phil, I didn’t do stand up. But remember that time I started a sketch comedy group with TC and Trevor Plouffe?
Hughes: That wasn’t a sketch comedy group. You trapped them in your car and drove them to Wisconsin.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 6 2014, 1:39p

TC Bear: Do you want to know what the funny thing really was about that trip, Phil?
Hughes: Oh?
TC Bear: He was trying to get back to NYC
/flashback to the car ride
Nunez: Don’t worry, you two. You’re gonna LOVE it on the Yankees. Jeter’s super nice, and a hero to millions. Especially me.

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 6 2014, 1:43p

/flashes back to present
Hughes: Wait, so if you were trying to get to NYC, how did you end up in the middle of nowhere in Wisconsin?
TC: Well….
/flashes back, Nunez driving
Nunez: Yeah, you guys are gonna love Yankee Stad….OH MY GOD CHEESE FACTORY
/Nunez makes a sharp left turn

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 6 2014, 1:48p

Hughes: Ah. Well was the cheese good?
TC Bear: Hell if I know. As soon as he got out of the car, we ditched him there and drove it back here.
Nunez: I..don’t know either. I never made it in.
/flashes back, Nunez in handcuffs
Nunez: C’monnnnnn. I thought we were pals.
Steve: WHY WON’T YOU STOP TORMENTING ME?!?!

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 6 2014, 1:57p

/cuts to two years from now in Wyoming. Steve is working at a mall under the assumed name "Joe Henderson". Another mall security guard radios to Steve
Guard: Hey Joe, we have a situation over in the food court.
Steve: Be right there.
Guard: Get over as quick as you can, this guy is really causing a scene
/Steve hears Nunez in the background
Nunez: I JUST WANT SOME PIZZA
/Steve takes off badge and name tag and leaves the mall


No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 6 2014, 2:27p

/clubhouse interviews after the game
Nunez: I was just joking with him, the two of us used to do that stuff all of the time in New York.
/in the Yankees clubhouse
Jeter: Yeah, that was weird. He whispered to me that "he loves Hot Pockets". It was weirdly aggressive. Kinda scared me for a second.

No Subject

by Kevin L on Jul 6 2014, 2:29p

Nunez: Hey Derek, I’m loving these blue Yankees jerseys
Jeter: Um, that’s not…
Nunez: I mean I wasn’t feeling the whole grey thing
Jeter: But..
Nunez: And those Pinstripes, don’t even get me started on those Pinstripes
Jeter: F*ck this, bye. (walks away)
Nunez: Such a nice guy, I know he has my back and I’ll never leave the Yankees. (laughs)
Huss: "-_(\

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 6 2014, 2:32p

/Jeter goes to Mark Feinsand after the game
Jeter: Off the record, I’m kinda retiring because of Nunez. I’ve been around the game for a while, and well, I’ve never met anyone like him. It’s kinda disturbing, in all the wrong ways.
/Nunez goes to Mark Swinesand doll after the game
Nunez: I just want it to be known that Derek and I are the best of friend. Always talk back and forth. Oh, and you can quote me on that!


No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 6 2014, 2:36p

/Hughes walks up
Hughes: You do?
Nunez: Yeah, we text all the time. See.
/Nunez pulls out phone, Hughes looks at text conversation between Nunez and "Jeter"
Hughes: Oh cool.
/Hughes whispers to TC
Hughes: What number did you save in his phone as "Derek Jeter".
TC: Moviefone.


No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 10 2014, 12:21a

Nunez: Oh, hey sorry about that. Silly me.
/Nunez gets back in batter’s box
Nunez: Alright, lets get back to the game.
Catcher: Uh, you gonna use your bat?
/Nunez looks down a the bat laying behind home plate.
Nunez: Oh, yeah.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 10 2014, 1:15a

/after the game
Nunez: Hey Gabe, sorry about the bat. Look, lemme make it up to you and buy you dinner.
Gabe: Well that’s mighty nice of you. In fact I…
/Gabe sees Hughes emphatically shaking his head AND motioning his arm NO in the distance
Gabe: …..unfortunately have other plans tonight. Sorry.
Nunez: Plans? I love plans. Can I come?
Gabe: ……..No

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 14 2014, 7:08p

Nunez: JETER! Welcome back. I’m so happy you’re participating with me in the HR Derby.
/Nunez stares as Jeter doesn’t answer him back
Nunez: Jeter?! You okay, buddy?
Hughes: Ed….you’re just staring at that RE2PECT Nike AD we watched on YouTube earlier….and it’s paused………and you’re not in the HR Derby. Or the All Star Game.
Nunez: B-But TC and I were practicing hitting dingers earlier.
Hughes: That wasn’t even TC. You were playing Tee Ball and you put a stuffed teddy bear on the mound. And this was a week ago when you were suppose to be in LF.
/Nunez looks at stuffed bear on the couch
Nunez: YOU LIED TO ME!!!!!!!!! /Nunez runs away crying

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 14 2014, 7:15p

/two hours later, Nunez walks back in with a video tape
Nunez: Alright, Phil, watch this.
/Nunez puts tape in and begins playing it
Hughes: What’s this?
Nunez: It’s me hitting home runs. After MLB sees this, they’ll have to put me in the Home Run Derby.
Hughes: Well first off, this is at the stadium where the Little League World Series is played. And secondly, this isn’t you hitting homers, it’s you running on the field in a llama costume

No Subject

by aaronshelbyrose on Jul 14 2014, 8:20p

Meanwhile, in South Williamsport:

Groundskeeper: Mike, does this damage to my field look like it was done by a Llama?

Mike Longstreth, Proprietor of Lazy Meadows Alpacas in (where else) Hughesville, PA: No, but strangely, we are missing a stuffed Alpaca that was in front of our gift shop. It seemed to have gone missing about the time a guy came in talking to a teddy bear.

"Don't Forget Me! Eduardo Nunez!"

by ShaunRunDMC on Jul 15 2014, 8:36p

/running out onto the field naked with " I No Subject

by Kevin L on Jul 15 2014, 8:55p

Nunez/: Tried that, MFY security is reeeeeeaaaaalllly strong.

I thought I was one of the original posse too but I don't know what any of you look like

by ShaunRunDMC on Jul 15 2014, 9:38p

/runs away crying like Nunez, before tripping over my own feet

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 15 2014, 10:51p

Nunez: See, Phil. I’m taking over this blog. Hahahahaha.
Hughes: No, Eduardo, you’re just on Club Penguin again.

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 21 2014, 9:31p

/Sir Lawrence Olivier reads this and cries
Nunez: I know how you feel, TC. But we’re in this together
Sir Lawrence Olivier: WHO ARE YOU?

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 21 2014, 9:35p

Nunez: Professional baseball player Eduardo Nunez, and you?
Olivier: Dead actor Sir Lawrence Olivier.
/they shake hands
Nunez: Nice to meet you, wait did you say dead?
Olivier: Yes.
Nunez: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
/Nunez wakes up
Nunez: AHHHH. Oh man, TC, I had the weirdest dream? TC?
/Nunez is naked on a park bench

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 21 2014, 9:37p

/new Park Ranger Steve sees Nunez naked on the park bench
Steve: Noooooope
/new Park Ranger Steve walks away

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 21 2014, 9:45p

/someone walkie talkies to Steve
Ranger: Hey Steve, we have complaints that there’s a naked man near the fountain, can you check on that?
Steve: I makes buzzing sound with mouth can’t buzz hear buzz you, you’re buzz breaking buzz up
/Steve runs away, Nunez pops out of bush
Nunez: STEVE
/Steve runs screaming in the other direction

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 22 2014, 6:27p

Nunez: I’ll do it for free!
Hughes: You can’t fly a plane, nor should you learn how.
Nunez: I flew one yesterday!
Hughes: You were babysitting, the plane was a spoon of spinach puree, and you missed the baby’s mouth!
Nunez: YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHIIIIING! /runs away crying with arms out like a plane

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 22 2014, 6:31p

/two hours later, Hughes sits on couch checking his email when he hears a rumbling outside
Hughes: What the…
/he goes outside to check and sees a helicopter wobbily moving down the street two feet off the ground, Nunez pops out
Nunez: PHIL I DID IT
Hughes: Where did you get a helicopter from?!?
Nunez: I…found it…

No Subject

by Greg Kirkland on Jul 22 2014, 6:36p

Hughes: Okay, now onto the more important question….are the cops gonna be here soon?
Nunez: N-no.
/sirens heard in the distance
Nunez: Gotta go….see you at Target Field. Tell TC I said hi.
/Hughes watch Nunez awkwardly pilot the helicopter and crash it into someone’s roof.
Steve: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

No Subject

by Matt Ferenchick on Jul 22 2014, 6:43p

/Nunez gets back in the air and keeps going
Nunez: SORRYYYYYY
/Hughes goes up to Steve and tries to comfort him
Hughes: You alright?
Steve: Sigh. Yeah, I’m fine, but the house isn’t. Why does Eduardo’s nonsense always affect me?
Hughes: It’s because he considers you a friend. He tried to throw a surprise birthday party for a friend in New York and decided inside the apartment was the right place to set off fireworks.

Narrator: And so ends the saga of Eduardo Nunez....... Or does it?

To be continued.

FanPosts are user-created content and do not necessarily reflect the views of the writing staff of Pinstripe Alley or SB Nation.

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