Eduardo Nunez has been a polarizing character on this site over the last year or so. Many contributors have assisted in the development of the following Crowd Sourced Saga. I have aggregated all the stories and snippets into one place. I have left the original poster and time information attached to the stories first, to attribute the brilliance of these and second, to assist with reading the stories in the correct order. I take credit for nothing other than trying to get all of these into one place.
Narrator: The story starts off a little slowly in May 2013:
@M_Marakovits: Nunez left with tightness in his left rob age
I assume she means "rib cage."
The way he screamed in pain and writhed on the ground after taking a pitch to the meaty part of the bicep, not even the bone (!) should’ve been an indicator.
Narrator: The first "Nunez:" story I found was on July 13, 2013.
Nunez: "You know that fan Derek? Who’s that?"
Jeter: "Stage 5 clinger I met in Scranton. Smile, wave, and slowly walk away."
Nunez: "Dang, she es non fuego." shivers
Jeter:"Table for two, please!"
Nunez:"(Oh dear, I should have worn my good clothes)"
Nunez:I guess you could say Cruz had…(puts on sunglasses)…a short stop at shortstop.
"Hey ladies! It’s me! Derek! Now take your pants off."
Narrator: Some of the earlier ones may have had not-so-obvious backstories:
Jeter looking at Adam Sandler
Jeter, "You made a Grown Ups 2?"
Nunez, "You serious bro?"
Nunez nodding head in approval: "I’ve seen them".
John Sterling: Oh El Capitan is back! /trying to get Jeter’s attention. El Capitan, El Capitan!
Jeter: /forced smile and wave. Yeah I’m injured again. I’ll be back after the break.
Nunez: His Spanish is bad! Yuck.
Narrator: Then we get into the theme that would drive the stories for good:
Did Nunez get shot?
Nunez fell back like he got shot.
Looks like Nunez was the one who got (puts on sunglasses) gunned down at second.
NUNEZ IS INVULNERABLE!
So, Nunez really is hurt then?
Hey you, you should GIF Nunez being snipped on the field.
Girardi on Eduardo Nunez' tendency to look like he has a catastrophic injury when he's really fine: "That's a nunie-ism."
I’m definitely borrowing that for next time Nunez does something stupid.
Going for some magnetic resonance tomorrow.
Nunez said the pain in his right knee got "worse" when he ran pregame. Will go for MRI tomorrow. Said he is worried it will show something
/runner steals second
///fan sitting behind third base dugout is killed by throw
I can think of at least one writer here who would support this.
Eduardo Nunez: Take up another trade or occupation.
Where the hell is Eduardo Nunez here? Oh, right, it’s "Don’t be found after I’ve made you disappear"
throw in Nunez
…to a volcano.
Narrator: Some of the stories are a bit conspiratorial
I have a private investigator working on that Nunez to prove or disprove the hypothesis that Nunez is blackmailing someone in the Yankees front office. There appears to be some interesting e-mail conversations with Randy Levine nothing positive just a lot of innuendo type stuff like;
Levine: ‘Hey NoonNoon don’t forget we pushed your "DL" stint up to April 23rd this year.’
Nunez: ‘Stop calling me that. And I want to play for my Grandmother who is visiting in June.’
Levine: ‘No No can do NoonNoon we have Tanaka now and hope to compete this year. UR going to have to go on the DL early.’
Nunez: ‘I do not like this changes to the agreement. And I don’t like you calling me NoonNoon. It sounds like baby.’
Levine: ‘Easy big fella. U need to calm down. Just one more time for the team.’ Promise next year U can play the whole Summer at SS.’
Nunez: ‘But I was promised I did my part with you know who.’
Levine: ‘Never speak of that. Ever. Do you U understand. And U will go down April 23rd.’
It’s kinda inconclusive but he’s still investigating. Probably going to have to do some wiretapping to get some definite answers.
But realistically if any of the infield invites are respectable Nunez should not make the cut. The entire infield should be viewed as an open competition even Jeter is going to have to show he can play the position.
Narrator: Some are self accusatory
What’s that make me, Nunez?
You’d be Nunez if you replied in the wrong place in every thread, and people still said you were on the cusp of being commenter of the year.
Narrator: And then, on February 26, 2014, the Nunez Saga truly begins:
/Nunez limps away on crutches
Girardi: What’s wrong with him?
Trainer: It’s just a stomach bug. He wouldn’t leave us alone until we gave him those crutches.
Nunez: AAAH I NEED MORPHINE
Trainer: Eduardo, you just stubbed your toe on the doorframe. And you litterally just did it as you were running into this room to tell me about another injury you think you have.
JackZ – "Okay, Cashman. We’re looking to get rid of Nick Franklin, but we need something worthwhile in return!"
$$$$Man – "I’ll give you Nunez and R…"
JackZ – "DONE!"
Coach: "For fucks sake, Nunez, you just clipped your toenail"
/Nunez walks in and sees everyone on the ground
Nunez: OH AND YOU GUYS SAY I FAKE INJURIES
Trainer: We’re stretching… Every time we try to do that with you, you tell us to stop trying to pull your arm off and then run away screaming.
/Someone in the locker room pops bubble wrap
Nunez: AAAAAAH IVE BEEN SHOT MAN DOWN MAN DOWN
/someone at the game yells that at Nunez
Nunez: Stiff? Stiff… Oh. OH! I got it! AAAH MY BACKS STIFF I CANT PLAY
Nunez: "Oh GOD. Coach. A Great White Shark tried to bite me running down the line! I’m down! "
Coach: "That’s a base. A BASE. THE VERY NAME OF THE SPORT YOU’RE PLAYING!"
Psychiatrist: "No, my dear boy. That’s a Rorschach test. You see what you want to see."
/Nunez assumes the sound of the ball off the bat is a gunshot, takes cover
/Nunez then claims he got shot immediately after taking cover
/Girardi and the trainer come out to look at him
Nunez: Guys, I’m not gonna make it. I just wanted to let you know that I love you
/Girardi and trainer return to dugout, game continues with Nunez pretending to be dead in the middle of the infield
Teixeira: Hey you want to get something to eat after the game?
Kelly Johnson: Yeah, sure.
Nunez: Hey guys can I come?
Johnson: Uh, aren’t you dead?
Nunez Oh, right!
/Goes back to pretending to be dead
/Anna, Sizemore, and Solarte stare at Nunez from dugout, shake their heads, sigh, head to the locker room
Cashman: "And Montero didn’t leave any donuts for anyone else?"
Cashman: "Alright. I’ll get Jack Z on the ph…what the hell is that yelling?"
Coach: "Oh, that’s Nunez. He’s in the tub. Siiiigh…probably thinks it’s Piranhas again…"
Coach: /hears that, looks at Cashman, then open palm points towards Nunez…
Cashman: "He’s still young. Don’t worry. He’ll get over that in a few years."
Coach: "Siiiigh. You’re the boss."
Later that day
/Cashman and Girardi sit in Cashman’s office, Cashman picks up phone
Cashman: Jack? Hey how you doing. Ok, what would you think of a Montero for Pineda tra…
/Nunez accidentally walks in
Nunez: What’s going on here? Is this something illegal? Are you guys trafficking humans?!? LOOKILL TAKE THE DRUGS ACROSS THE BORDER PLEASE DONT HURT ME
How long before he’s on the DL from troll-related depression?
Ｍｙ ｆｅｅｌｓ．．． ｔｈｅｙ ｈｕｒｔ ｓｏ ｂａｄ！
/Nunez walks into Girardi’s office with tears in his eyes
Nunez: I’m gonna have to go on the DL.
Girardi: With what?
Nunez: A broken heart, since you told me I’m not playing anymore
Girardi: …..That’s the Girardi’s Binder parody Twitter account….
Nunez: But Joooooooooe, Ivan was tweeting weird pictures again today and you didn’t say anything to him! ITS NOT FAIR
"Hey, I see you’re working on a rally there! Let me help!"
For the record, the Tanaka-sized Nunezes would not also gain Tanaka’s powers, it would just be a Nunez. So if you like kicked it in the knee it would die. The Nunez-sized Tanakas would not be fun to deal with.
Nunez developed a sympathetic bruise.
/Nunez talks to Cervelli after the game
Nunez: I feel like we’re so close that we’re almost brothers. When you got hit, it was like I felt it too.
Nunez: That hurts too, man.
/runs away crying
Nunez: N…no. I have to go on the DL. I dropped my watch in the toilet and…when I went to reach it…m-my hand got stuck. THEY’RE GONNA HAVE TO SAW MY ARMS OFFFFF /sobs
McCann: ………I’ll go get the janitor….
Nunez: Your point being?
What more do you need to see here?
Nunez: I CANT SEE ANTHING IM BLIND. DL.
/open palm points at Nunez
Nunez: I told them my arm was hurting and I needed to go on the DL, but they played me anyway.
/runs away crying
Nunez: I have to get out my nervous energy somethow! You guys told me to stop eating before the game so I wouldn’t throw up!
Girardi: Uh, we didn’t tell you to stop eating before the game so you wouldn’t throw up. In fact, we didn’t tell you to stop eating before the game. We just asked you to chew with your mouth closed.
Nunez: But..but then how am I going to breathe?
Girardi: ……your nose?
Nunez: But I don’t have it anymore… Tex took it…. AND HE WON’T GIVE IT BAA-AAACK /sniffles
/Girardi and the coach just look at each other with a blank stare
/Nunez runs away
Teixeira: Ummmm…what now?
Girardi: I don’t know, Texy. I really do not know.
Teixeira: Just throwing this out there, but he has a hard time throwing to firs…
Girardi: I’m aware of the situation, thank you. /frustrated
Nunez errors are starting to grate. Yangervis Solarte is still doing great
Nunez’ errors have grated me for a looooonng time.
I don’t like Nunez at third base. I do not like him any place.
Nunez: I ATE GREEN EGGS AND HAM AND NOW I HAVE FOOD POISONING
Nunez: 15 days Green Eggs and/or ham
Nunez: THERES ALSO A WOCKET IN MY POCKET PLEASE GET IT OUT OF THERE IM SO SCARED
Nunez: Okay, I’ll read this instead.
/picks up Stephen King book
/cuts to two weeks later, Kelly Johnson knocks on Nunez’s door
Johnson: Eduardo, come out already. Spring training is over, we need to go to New York
Nunez: I AM NOT COMING OUT YOU CANT MAKE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Nunez: OWWW! OH! I BURNED MYSELF. GOTTA GO ON THE DL!
Coach: For the love of…that’s Gazpacho. IT’S COLD.
/Nunez sitting in Hal’s office
Nunez: Wha-what do you mean I haven’t made the roster yet? I-I play hard, I keep my elbows of the table, I..I..I take small bites…
Hal: …….why are you on my lap? I’m not Santa Claus
Nunez: What? This is how I normally greet people.
Nunez: I guess that explains why no one would hang out with me for the first month I was on team.
/Nunez thinks this means he’s actually numb and is injured, gets excited
Nunez: Still got a chance. Time to prove myself!
/trips over chair
Nunez: OH NO. ANOTHER DL STINT. IS THIS THE END FOR EDUARDO?!?
Coach: ….that was a Bean Bag chair…
Nunez: Well beanbag chairs in the clubhouse is insulting. Whose idea was that anyway?
Coach: We didn’t have a choice. Regular folding chairs were out, and don’t even get me started on bar stools…
Nunez: But….I like to spin on them…
Coach: YOU THREW UP ON SOJO!!!
Nunez: I’M GOING ON THE DL AGAINNNNN!
Girardi: No Nunez…you’re being sent to Scranton.
Nunez: S-SCRANTON?! WHYYYY? IT’S SCARY THERE. THERE ARE SNIPERS AND MONSTERSAND…
Girardi: For the last time, Quills is a mascot. He’s harmless.
Nunez: THEN WHY DOES HE HATE MEEEEEEEEE? /runs away crying
Girardi: …it’s a mystery, alright…
/Nunez reads this post
Nunez: Whew. At least I’m not in the negatives
Scranton Coach: You’re not in the positives either.
Nunez: I’M GOING ON THE DLLLLLLLLLLLL /runs away crying
Two hours later
/Nunez comes back into locker room
Nunez: Okay, I’m alright now. In fact I’m even kinda happy to be here. There are good restaurants here, I can hang out with Quills, I can go check out Schrute Farms…
Dave Miley: Schrute Farms doesn’t exist.
Miley: "The Office" was a sitcom not a documentary.
/Nunez runs away crying again
That’s not going away!
Nunez: B-BUT I AM. /runs away crying
Solarte: /puts on #26 Perhaps I should wash this first…
Nunez: JUST PUT ME ON THE DLLLLLLLLLL
Cashman: No no, Nunez. You’ve been DFA’d.
Nunez: Is….is that the DL?
Cashman: Siiiiiigh no. No it is not. And now, if you can kindly get out of my office, I have work to do.
Nunez: YOU’RE JUST EATING A SANDWICH!!
Cashman: And it’s delicious. Now please, leave.
/Nunez runs away crying
Nunez: They’ll miss me. I KNOW THEY WILL.
/cuts to Yankees Clubhouse Party
/Nunez walks up to Jeter
Nunez: Thanks for everything you’ve done for me, man.
Jeter: I’m sorry, who are you?
Jeter: Someone call security please.
Nunez: I THOUGHT WE WERE BROOOOS
/Security comes to get Nunez
Nunez: Okay fine, I’ll go.
/Nunez walks towards door
Nunez: But before I go, I just want to say that this was so unnecessary and unprofe
/McCann opens door from the other side and knocks over Nunez
McCann: Oh. My bad, Nunez.
Nunez: I HAVE TO GO ON THE DLLLLLL /cries
Coach: YOU’RE NOT EVEN ON THE TEA….nevermind. Security, get him out of here!
/Security guards lead Nunez out
Nunez: Does Scranton have a DL?
Guard: I don’t know, I’m a security guard…
Nunez: I…I don’t suppose you guys are hiring, just in case?
Guard: Yeaaaaah ummmmm…I’ll look into that for you
/other guard snickers
/Seven months later
Nunez: AWWW YEAH EDUARDO NUNEZ: SECURITY GUARD LETS DO THIS
Guard: Why do you have a gun?!?! Get rid of it, we’re just mall security guards!
Nunez: Oh, okay fine
/Nunez literally shoots himself in the foot
Nunez: THE DL!?! SOMEONE PUT ME ON THE DLLLL!!
Guard: Like we told you when you got a papercut filling out your W2’s, that’s no longer an option!
Nunez: But…but coach.
Guard: I’m not your coach. Look seriously, we’ve called an ambulance. Just calm down.
Nunez: So….th-this is what it sounds like…when doves cry? /holds Guard’s hand
Nunez: GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD. ITS OVER FOR ME. I CAN SEE THE LIGHT.
Guard: Yeah, that’s a lamp.
Vengeful Nunez: Don’t worry. I’ll take care of his gift. Mwahaha…MWAHAHAHA…..AHAHAHAHAOWWWWWWWWW. I cracked my fingers while laaaaughiiiiing. GOING ON THE DL!!
Steve: …how did he get in here?
/Nunez collapses due to the pain from cracking his fingers straight onto sand pile
Steve: You’re gonna have to rebuild that.
/Three months later
Nunez: Okay, it’s done!
Steve: That’s you in the back of an ambulance.
Nunez: I know! I figure the best gift the Rays could give Jeter would be a sculpture of his ol’ buddy Eduardo!
Steve: …..well whatever. It’s not my sand! I didn’t really care the first time either.
Nunez: YOU SAID THE SAME THING ABOUT MEEEEE… /runs away crying
Guy: Look man, in a way he compared you to Mickey Mantle.
Nunez: Yeah, you’re right.
Guy: Now please put on your clothes and leave sir, this is a TGI Fridays.
and I was pointing out to my kids you were taking photos with Mickey Mouse
Nunez: Bu-but you said everyday feels like Friday in here…
Guy: Listen, I don’t know what you do on your Friday’s. Quite frankly I don’t want to know.
Nunez: Oh look. They’re showing footage of me from last year.
/friend looks at Nunez and shakes his head
"No knock on Nunez"
Nunez: NO KNOCK? I HAVE NO KNOCK? AAAAAAAAH DLLLLLLLLLL
Trainer: THATS NOT A REAL BODY PART SIT DOWN EDUARDO
Nunez: CURSES. FOILED AGAIN. GOING ON THE DLLLLLL
Nunez: OKAY NUNEZ ARMY CHAAAAARRRRGGGGEEEEE
/Nunez runs forward and falls
Nunez: OW Okay, skinned my knee…DL.
Nunez: HEY! I-I play defense just fine!
Friend: That was MLB The Show. And even then, you made 5 errors
Nunez: IT WAS THE CONTROLLERS FAAAAAAAULLLLTTTT /runs away crying
/Nunez and friend start another game
Nunez: Ok, leading off is me.
/video game Nunez is hit with a pitch
Nunez: AAAAAAAH MY BACK
Friend: Oh come, Eduardo. The character is not a voo doo doll.
Nunez: /tears in eyes That’s what you said about my action figure
Friend: And I was right. You did not hurt your ankle when you dropped it. Furthermore, YOU ARENOT THE BLUE POWER RANGER!
Nunez: Hey, I’ve been in the lineup while I was also on the DL.
Trainer: Yeah, we never actually put you on the DL, we just told you we did.
/Nunez runs away crying
Nunez: I have no idea what you’re talking about, I don’t have a twin.
Cashman: Actually, we’re sending you to see your old buddy Phil Hughes.
Nunez: Hughes? B-But he hated me. Something about ground ball errors costed him games and stuff.
Cashman: Yeaaaah, that’s a thing alright.
Nunez: BUT HE’LL BE MEAN TO ME. I DON’T WANNA GOOOOOOOO!!!!
Who knows, maybe without the NY pressure, he could be good with the Twins.
Nunez: Thanks Greg.
Me: No problem. /pats Nunez on the back
Nunez: MY SPINE. NOW I’M GOING ON THE DL AGAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN /runs away crying
Nunez: Hey, Phil. Since there’s way more room here, you think I should play outfield? More ground to cover and I can do it.
Hughes: I know where you could play in the field.
/cuts to Target Field team store
Nunez: So a lot a balls get hit over here?
Hughes: Oh, yeah. All the time. Get ready to make some plays
Kids: Sir, how much is this hat?
/Kids hand money to Nunez, Nunez gets a papercut
Nunez: WAAAAAAAAH. I’M HIT. THE PAAAAAIN!
Girardi: "Wait a second" /pulls off mask "Nunez, you were traded to Minnesota"
Nunez: Oh, I know how I’ll get back to New York!
/Nunez puts on fake mustache and books plane ticket
Cashman: You really think I’d fall for "Neduardo Eunez"?
/Nunez runs away crying
Nunez: You see that Phil, I got a bunt down!
Hughes: You killed five fans in the process, though.
/Nunez runs way crying
Nunez: Goodbye cruel world.
Hughes: Listen….the bear just a mascot. He’s not going to maul you, AND WHY WOULD YOUCHOOSE TO END IT THAT WAY?
T.C. Bear: Um….who says I won’t maul him?
/Mauer hits and home run and high fives Nunez back in the dugoit
Nunez: MY HAND ITS BROKEN. DL.
Hughes: You get used to it.
Nunez: Whoever DFA’s people is a big, fat, doodyhead. Why are they so mean?
Hughes: Who are you talking to?
Nunez: T.C. We’re buddies now.
Hughes: He doesn’t like you. Also, that’s just a photo of him he took at the beginning of the year. You’re talking to the wall.
Nunez: W-Well you’re my buddy, right?
Hughes: ……./sighs I suppose so.
/Aaron Hicks walks by
Nunez: Aaron, you’re my bud too, right?
Hicks: Uhhh, sure. Now please let go of my leg and go back to the dugout. I’m trying to hit.
Nunez: I’m so happy to be here in Milwaukee. So many new friends.
Hughes: For the 10th time, we’re in Minnesota. You’re on the Twins.
Nunez: B-B-BUT I WANTED TO GO DOWN THE SLIIIIIIIIDE
/runs off crying
Hicks: Was this a thing in New York Ci…
Hughes: Yes. Yes it was.
/Two hours later, Nunez comes back
Nunez: Okay guys, I’ve figured out how to learn more about the Minnesota culture
/Nunez puts on hat
Hughes: What, that’s a cheesehead? That’s not even the right sport!
Hicks: Dude! DUDE! Take that off RIGHT NOW. Are you trying to get yourself killed? We’re in Vikings country!
Nunez: Vikings don’t like cheese?
Hicks: TAKE IT OFF!
/Claiborne thinks before smiling and nodding
Claiborne: I’ve got an idea.
/Two week later, cuts to Eduardo Nunez holding a badminton racket like a baseball bat
Nunez: So how do I do this?
Nunez: So I just try and hit the ball, like in tennis.
Claiborne: It’s called a shuttlecock, and Geeves here will show you the rest.
/minutes later after being hit in the wrist with the shuttlecock
Nunez: OH GOD. THE PAIN. DLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
Geeves: Begging your pardon, Master Nunez, but there is no DL in Badminton.
Announcer: Round 1 of the Royal Badminton Tournament, match 1 between Cambridge and Sheffield.
Nunez: Gary Sheffield is playing in this?
Geeves: No, it’s a team from the city of Sheffield in Yorkshire.
Nunez: There’s a city named after Gary Sheffield?
apparently he knocked over his large soda
Nunez: But I don’t pitch. I play SS.
Hughes: You don’t even do that really well either.
Nunez: WAAAAAAAAAH. DLLLLLL. /runs away crying
Nunez: OH YEAH PHIL WELL YOU DONT PITCH WELL EITHER
Hughes: That’s fair. Now please let go of that alpaca, Eduardo. I think you’re suffocating it. I don’t even know why you brought it to the clubhouse.
Nunez: But….but I wanted to go back on the Yankees for my Easter Present. I didn’t want eggs.
Coach: For the last time Eduardo, this is not Christmas. Also, even if it were, I highly doubt Santa could get you back on the Yankees.
/8 months from now in the Mall of America
Santa: Ho ho ho! Who’s next?
/Nunez cuts four kids in line and sits on Santa’s lap
Nunez: LISTEN OLD MAN I DONT NEED TOYS JUST GET ME BACK ON THE YANKEES
Santa: …I can’t do that.
Nunez: JUST DO IT
Santa: I’m a mall Santa, not a miracle worker….
/Nunez runs away crying
What do you think the Yankees should do with Ivan Nova’s roster spot?
Nunez: Well….you know what I think they shoul..
/Hughes interrupts Nunez
Hughes: Stop, Ed. Just please…stop!
Nunez: I was just gonna say that I think Billings might be an option.
Hughes: Were you really?
/Nunez comes home from a game one night and turns on YES.
Nunez: WHOA THEY SHOW BASEBALL ON TV???
Friend: What? Yes…. What do you watch then?
Nunez: I always watch this one show called "Magic Bullet".
Friend: That’s an infomercial…
Nunez: I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM TAKING SHOES OFF
Hughes: Hey, Eduardo, that looks like you trying to play shortstop!
/Nunez runs away crying
Tex returns to bench. Removes mask to show Nunez underneath.
Nunez: Coach I neeeeeeeeeed to go to the DLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Nunez: Hello………is anyone out there?
/Nunez goes into store at the Mall of America, takes a bunch of stuff and leaves without paying
Cashier: Uh sir, you have to pay for all that.
/Nunez running away
Nunez: NO I DONT IM THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH WOOHOO
Security: Sigh…I’ll go get him.
Nunez: They made a stat about me? I’m famous now!
Hughes: Ed…they’re making fun of you.
Nunez: THIS IS ALL THAT BLASTED YANGERVISES FAULT. I’ll have my revenge on him soon.
Hughes: Pouring hot sauce on his burger is no…you know what. Go with that.
Nunez: So, um, can I be in the group?
Pelfrey: Hell noooo
Nolasco: Hell nooooooooo
Perkins: Hell nooooooooooooooo
Hughes: Hell noooooooooooooooooooooo
/in unison : HELL NO!
Nunez: My ear drums! Now I gotta go on the DL!
Nunez: Pfft. I could lose my helmet rounding the bases no problem.
McDonalds cashier: That’s nice sir, but what would you like to order?
Nunez: STOP PUTTING PRESSURE ON ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
/Nunez runs away crying
Nunez: That means gritty, right?
Gardner: Excuse me?
Solarte: How’d he get back in the clubhouse? SECURITY!
/Nunez runs away crying
Nunez: Haha, now they’re making fun of YOU!
Hughes: They still make fun of you. Also, I wasn’t DFA’d.
Nunez: YOU’RE SO MEAAAAAAAAAN /runs away while flail-crying
/coroner pulls sheet back to reveal his face
Coroner: Oh, come on Eduardo. I’ve told you ten times to stop this already.
/without opening eyes
Nunez: Excuse me sir, I’m trying to be dead here.
Nunez: CURSES. FOILED AGAIN BY THAT DAMN PINSTRIPE ALLEY!
Hughes: Why do you read that site? You know they only mock us.
Nunez: They mock you too? OMG, WE’RE BFF’s!
Hughes: …you’re hugging me again…
Nunez: Human? HA! I knew they didn’t just me for a mascot, like T.C. said they did.
Hughes: Of course they didn’t. He just wanted you to run away crying like you always do so he could smoke a cigar.
Nunez: I don’t run away crying all the time!
Hughes: There’s an ant on your foot.
Nunez: AHHHHH. WHERE? GOING TO THE DLLLLLL! /runs away crying
/Two hours later Hughes walks into bathroom
Nunez: Hello? Who’s there?
Hughes: It’s me, Eduardo. What’s up?
Nunez: Ummmm….can you help me with something?
Hughes: ……what is it?
Nunez: I kinda tried to drown that ant you said was on my foot and, uhhhh, my foot got stuck in the toilet.
Hughes: Yeah sure…I’ll go get maintenance.
Nunez: You’re a true pal, Phil
/Hughes walks out of the bathroom and see Pelfrey
Pelfrey: Hey Phil. Where ya headed?
Hughes: To get a drink.
/Later that night after everyone’s left, maintenance crew comes in to clean bathroom
Nunez: Finally, someone to help me get out of here.
Maintenance: Hey! The stadium is closed, you’re not supposed to be here. I’m calling security.
Nunez: No no no, you don’t understand….
/Maintenance radios to security
Maintenance: Hey we got an intruder in the Twins clubhouse bathroom. He’s wearing a bunch of Twins clothes that have clearly been stolen from the locker room.
/two security guards head for the bathroom
Ralph: Heh, bet you didn’t think you’d be seeing action on your first day, huh?
Steve: Yeah. I figured it’d be a little quieter here in Minnesota. That’s why I moved my family here from the Bronx. You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff I had to deal with at Yankee Stadium.
/they enter the bathroom and Nunez sees them
Steve: …..oh good god no….
Nunez: Boy am I glad to see you, Steve. You can explain to everyone that this is all a misunderstanding.
Ralph: You know this guy?
Nunez: C’mon Steve! Think of all the fun times we had!
Steve: Well, there was that time you crashed the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile into Monument Park. Then, there was the time I had to stay at your apartment because you thought your roommate was going to kill you in a fit of night terrors, even though your roommate was a guinea pig. There was the one time you somehow smuggled a bunch of buffaloes into the visitors’ bullpen. And then there was the time….
Yankees Webmaster: We just got an order for 50 Eduardo Nunez plaques? We still sell Eduardo Nunez plaques?
/Two days later a delivery man knocks on a door
Delivery Man: Delivery, sir.
/Nunez opens door
Nunez: Yeah, me too!
Hughes: No you don’t. Not even close
Nunez: I COULD IF I WANTED TOO!!!! /runs away crying
Nunez: Come on that wouldn’t have been that bad.
Guy: Who are you talking to? And put your pants on, this is an Applebee’s
Nunez: Applebee’s? How’d I get in here?
Guy: That’s what I’d like to know.
/cuts to Hughes and T.C. Bear laughing as they drive away
/cuts to two weeks later
TC Bear: Phil, did Eduardo ever come back?
Hughes: I don’t think so. That’s weird.
/cuts to the Applebee’s
Waitress: Eduardo, table seven needs their appetizers.
Nunez: IM GOING AS FAST AS I CAN
/Nunez runs away crying
Nunez: Hey I have value! In second grade I won the spelling bee in my school.
Teacher: That was a participation trophy, Eduardo.
/ Nunez runs away crying.
Samantha: Listen boss…I know he works for free, but he keeps dropping plates.
/hears a crash and Nunez say sorry in the distance
John: I know I know. I’ll…fire him tonight.
/an hour later
John: Look Ed um…we have to let you go. It’s just not working out.
Nunez: Wh-why not?
John: Well besides the broken plates, the staff AND customer complaints, and the constant lack of pants…. you don’t really work here. You just showed up one day.
Nunez: NOBODY WANTS MEEEEEE! /runs away crying
/TC Bear and Hughes sitting around watching TV when the phone rings
/Nunez on the other end
Nunez: Phil? I need a ride. Can you come get me? I’m at an Applebee’s.
Hughes: Yeah, sure.
/hangs up phone
/Nunez in car with Samantha
Nunez: Thanks for giving me a ride back to Target Field, Sam.
Samantha: No problem. What happened to your ride?
Nunez: I dunno. Phil probably couldn’t find the place. He has trouble finding the zone sometimes, especially on a 0-2 count.
Samantha: Uhhh yeah.
Nunez: So…ummmm….what are you doing Saturday ni…
/Hughes, TC Bear, Joe Mauer, and Glen Perkins sit around playing poker
Mauer: I call.
/knock at door and then a muffled voice speaks
Nunez: Phil, I’m home.
Hughes: Crap, everyone hide. I’ll distract him and then you guys can blindslide him and then we’ll take him back to that Applebee’s.
Nunez, standing in a cemetery: when is this guy going to throw?
Nunez: Did you see that, TC? I DID IT!
T.C. Bear: Yes, but you got thrown out at 2nd.
Nunez: Yeaaah. But I scored off that guy who shushed me when I was on the Yankees.
Hughes: YOU’RE NOT MARIANO RIVERA, AND THIS IS THE LAST TIME I’M GONNA BRING IT UP!
/Nunez runs away crying
Hughes: The thing is, what Joba called Nunez behind his back was way worse than the stuff he called everyone else.
TC Bear: What did he call him?
/Nunez pops out of nowhere scaring Hughes and TC
Nunez: Yeah, what did he call me?
Hughes: You really want to know?
/Hughes whispers in Nunez’s ear and Nunez runs away crying
TC Bear: Oh man, was it that bad?
Hughes: Yes, but I just told Eduardo that the DVR didn’t record "That’s So Raven" today.
Nunez: See?! My bat is useful!
TC Bear: Yes, as in you cannot field. Plus, you’re currently breathing and able to swing it.
Nunez: Is this an innuendo regarding my last date with Samantha from Applebees?
TC Bear: That wasn’t a date. It was a court order.
Nunez: That was a date, silly! Her dad asked me a lot of questions before we left. Plus, we made plans for tomorrow!
TC Bear: No, tomorrow is when the next hearing is. And her "dad" was actually her lawyer.
Nunez: Hmph, well, we’ll see if I ever invite you to come on a double date again.
/Nunez walks away
TC Bear: Eduardo, I have to come. You hired me as your lawyer.
Nunez: Yak’s Milk?!?! The guys gave me some after a game! It was delicious
/Twins dugout bursts into laughter.
/phone rings, TC picks it up
TC Bear: Hello?
Police Office: Mr. Bear, we picked up your client at Applebee’s. He was in clear violation of the court order.
/Nunez in the background
Nunez: Is that TC? Tell him to pick me up and take me mini-golfing.
Police Office: Sir, you are not going anywhere.
TC Bear: ….ummm, yeaaaaah. You got the wrong number.
Nunez: HEY. What about me? I’m on the DL as well.
Hughes: For the last time, you were DFA’d. You don’t get to play for another team then just magically go back to the Yankees.
TC Bear: Hughes is lying. You can go back to NY any time you want!
Nunez: YAAAAAAY! /runs away happy while TC Bear looks at Hughes
TC Bear: See how easy that was?
/later that day in the clubhouse, Ron Gardenhire walks up to Hughes and TC
Gardenhire: Where’s Eduardo? He’s in the lineup today and I can’t find him anywhere.
Hughes: Haven’t seen him.
TC Bear: Yeah, I don’t know. He must be around here somewhere.
/Gardenhire walks away
TC Bear: Whoops.
/cuts to Nunez on plane heading to New York
Nunez: Awww yeah!
Flight attendant: Um sir…we don’t have you listed as a passenger on this flight.
Nunez: Don’t worry. Just hitching a ride back to New York. I’m gonna play on the Yankees.
Flight attendant: ….oh. That’s…that’s great. Hang on a sec.
/cuts to Flight attendant talking to security
Flight attendant: That’s him right there in 14C…He’s crazy.
Security: Sir, you need to come with us.
Nunez: Am I getting upgraded to first class?
Security: Um…sort of.
Nunez: Nunez time?
Girardi: How did you get in the dugout?
*Nunez strains his lips and
Girardi: Get me a stretcher…
/Nunez waiting by the phone
Nunez: Any day now. Annnny day.
/Hughes walks by
Hughes: They’re NOT calling, Ed.
/phone rings, Nunez picks it up excitedly
Nunez: YES HELLO BRIAN?!?!
Voice: This is VISA. Someone on your credit card keeps booking and cancelling plane tickets to New York. Can you confirm whether or not you’ve made these purchases?
Nunez: IM ON MY WAY BRIAN. YESSSSS
/Nunez drops phone
I’m wondering if Hughes just ignores poor Ed now that he’s pitching like a star.
Nunez – "Don’t you remember me Phil? We were buddies in New York!?"
PH – "Pssh, somebody take this riffraff out of my sight."
/TC Bear picks up phone
TC Bear: Can I help you?
Voice: Yes, I was trying to reach a Mr. Eduardo Nunez.
TC Bear: ….this is Nunez. How can I help you?
Voice: Someone on your credit card keeps booking plane tickets, then cancelling them.
TC Bear: Really? That’s odd. Can you do me a favor and cancel my card, as well as the plane tickets. Also, if anyone shows up at the airport claiming to be me, please report him to the proper authorities.
Voice: Yes sir, Mr. Nunez. Will that be all?
TC Bear: Oh yes. That’ll do nicely.
Solarte: "Wait…..is that…??"
/see Nunez pointing at him with evil intents
Nunez: Ha, yeah. Baseball’s so crazy.
Tanaka: I’m sorry, who are you and how did you get in here?
/Nunez runs away
/Jeter sees Nunez running away
Jeter: ….oh god, he’s gonna be the gift the Twins give me…
/Later in the season at the last Twins/Yankees game at Target Field
PA Announcer: Here to present Mr. Jeter with his gifts is Joe Mauer.
/Two Twins staffers stand to the side watching
Staffer 1: I recognize the other two gifts, but what’s in that giant box?
Staffer 2: ….I don’t know. I don’t think that’s supposed to be there.
Staffer 1: Oh no.
Staffer 2: What?
/Nunez pops out of the box naked
/Solarte asks Jeter for autograph as Nunez slowly creeps into clubhouse
Jeter: Yeah, no.
/Nunez runs away crying
I wouldn’t care if I was Mr. Nunez. If point him out proudly. How many people could top it?
Nunez: runs towards you screaming "DAAAADDDDDYYYYYY" trips and scrapes his knee, he starts blubbering "I got an ouchee!"
Nunez – "Thanks Jeter. I knew I could count on your support!"
Hughes – "His name is Andrew. He writes for Pinstripe Alley. For god sake, you’re just talking to that TC Bear plushie!
Nunez – "Th-the real TC Bear won’t talk to me anymore! WAAAAAAH!" /runs away crying
Hughes – "Is that true TC?"
TC Bear – "Huh? No, I was just out of the suit when he sat down. I…didn’t want to interrupt him."
Nunez: "I’ll Help I’ll tell you about the Time I won the MVP and Triple Crown!"
you: "No Nunez that wasn’t you, that Miguel Cabrera"
Nunez: "Then how do you explain this?" holds up a trophy
You: "That says Bronx Little League MVP Antonio Mitchell, and it’s made of plastic! "
You: And the name on isn’t even yours!
/Nunez runs aways crying.
Nunez: Hey TC, you got on the tv.
TC: Eduardo, you’re looking at a painting of flowers.
Nunez: Well….thanks for everything guys. But my ride’s here. /packing his bags
Hughes: Ed…we talked about this…
Nunez: It’s been really nice meeting everyone here. Hey, when you stop in NY, you can stay at my place.
Hughes: You’re not going with the Yankees, Ed.
/Nunez gets on bus
Nunez: Derek! Brett! Good to see you guys again!
Driver: Um, sir. This is a transit bus headed back to Minnetonka.
Nunez: I’mma Minne-tonk you on the head if we don’t get on the road to New York!
Driver: Well. Let’s get going then.
/TC walks up to Nunez as he’s warming up
TC: Hey, Eduardo, like my costume?
Nunez: AAAAH WHO ARE YOU??!?
TC: It’s TC….
Nunez: NO YOURE NOT TC DOESNT HAVE A BEARD
TC: It’s just an Uncle Sam costume for the 4th of July…
Nunez: NO ITS NOT IMPOSTER IM GETTING THE COPS
Nunez: Hey Derek, I got you this Starbucks’ gift card as a present.
Jeter: Eduardo, that’s an index card with some chewed gum stuck to it.
Nunez: I was wondering where my gum went!
Hughes: That wasn’t your gum. You grabbed it from under a seat in Section 200.
Nunez: Then why did I put it on the back of this card?
Hughes: ……I DON’T KNOW
/Nunez puts gum in mouth
Nunez: Still has flavor!
Jeter: Yeaaahhhhh, I’m going back to the dugout now.
Hughes: Probably a good idea.
Nunez: Wait come back guys! I can find gum for all of us!
Hughes: Congrats again, Jeter.
Jeter: Hey, you too Phil. Glad you’re pitching well for the Twins.
Nunez: What about me guys?
/Hughes and Jeter look at each other then walk away
/Nunez runs away crying
/Jeter is watching tv in a hotel room in Cleveland, Nunez crashes through the window and screams
Nunez: I SAID WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
/Jeter is startled
Jeter: Uhhhh, I’m glad you’re doing well too.
/Nunez suddenly happy again
Jeter: If you came all the way to Cleveland to get me to do that, what did you do to Phil?
/cuts to the Twins clubhouse, where Hughes is tied up, TC removes the tape from his mouth
TC: Eduardo did this?!?!
Hughes: Look, I’m just as surprised as you that he pulled this off.
Nunez: That’s right. I use to be a stand up comedian. Everyone laughed at my jokes!
Hughes: No. No Ed…no. That wasn’t stand up. That was fielding practice. And those weren’t jokes, they were errors.
/Nunez runs away crying
/Nunez comes back two hours later
Nunez: You’re right, Phil, I didn’t do stand up. But remember that time I started a sketch comedy group with TC and Trevor Plouffe?
Hughes: That wasn’t a sketch comedy group. You trapped them in your car and drove them to Wisconsin.
TC Bear: Do you want to know what the funny thing really was about that trip, Phil?
TC Bear: He was trying to get back to NYC
/flashback to the car ride
Nunez: Don’t worry, you two. You’re gonna LOVE it on the Yankees. Jeter’s super nice, and a hero to millions. Especially me.
/flashes back to present
Hughes: Wait, so if you were trying to get to NYC, how did you end up in the middle of nowhere in Wisconsin?
/flashes back, Nunez driving
Nunez: Yeah, you guys are gonna love Yankee Stad….OH MY GOD CHEESE FACTORY
/Nunez makes a sharp left turn
Hughes: Ah. Well was the cheese good?
TC Bear: Hell if I know. As soon as he got out of the car, we ditched him there and drove it back here.
Nunez: I..don’t know either. I never made it in.
/flashes back, Nunez in handcuffs
Nunez: C’monnnnnn. I thought we were pals.
Steve: WHY WON’T YOU STOP TORMENTING ME?!?!
/cuts to two years from now in Wyoming. Steve is working at a mall under the assumed name "Joe Henderson". Another mall security guard radios to Steve
Guard: Hey Joe, we have a situation over in the food court.
Steve: Be right there.
Guard: Get over as quick as you can, this guy is really causing a scene
/Steve hears Nunez in the background
Nunez: I JUST WANT SOME PIZZA
/Steve takes off badge and name tag and leaves the mall
/clubhouse interviews after the game
Nunez: I was just joking with him, the two of us used to do that stuff all of the time in New York.
/in the Yankees clubhouse
Jeter: Yeah, that was weird. He whispered to me that "he loves Hot Pockets". It was weirdly aggressive. Kinda scared me for a second.
Nunez: Hey Derek, I’m loving these blue Yankees jerseys
Jeter: Um, that’s not…
Nunez: I mean I wasn’t feeling the whole grey thing
Nunez: And those Pinstripes, don’t even get me started on those Pinstripes
Jeter: F*ck this, bye. (walks away)
Nunez: Such a nice guy, I know he has my back and I’ll never leave the Yankees. (laughs)
/Jeter goes to Mark Feinsand after the game
Jeter: Off the record, I’m kinda retiring because of Nunez. I’ve been around the game for a while, and well, I’ve never met anyone like him. It’s kinda disturbing, in all the wrong ways.
/Nunez goes to Mark Swinesand doll after the game
Nunez: I just want it to be known that Derek and I are the best of friend. Always talk back and forth. Oh, and you can quote me on that!
/Hughes walks up
Hughes: You do?
Nunez: Yeah, we text all the time. See.
/Nunez pulls out phone, Hughes looks at text conversation between Nunez and "Jeter"
Hughes: Oh cool.
/Hughes whispers to TC
Hughes: What number did you save in his phone as "Derek Jeter".
Nunez: Oh, hey sorry about that. Silly me.
/Nunez gets back in batter’s box
Nunez: Alright, lets get back to the game.
Catcher: Uh, you gonna use your bat?
/Nunez looks down a the bat laying behind home plate.
Nunez: Oh, yeah.
/after the game
Nunez: Hey Gabe, sorry about the bat. Look, lemme make it up to you and buy you dinner.
Gabe: Well that’s mighty nice of you. In fact I…
/Gabe sees Hughes emphatically shaking his head AND motioning his arm NO in the distance
Gabe: …..unfortunately have other plans tonight. Sorry.
Nunez: Plans? I love plans. Can I come?
Nunez: JETER! Welcome back. I’m so happy you’re participating with me in the HR Derby.
/Nunez stares as Jeter doesn’t answer him back
Nunez: Jeter?! You okay, buddy?
Hughes: Ed….you’re just staring at that RE2PECT Nike AD we watched on YouTube earlier….and it’s paused………and you’re not in the HR Derby. Or the All Star Game.
Nunez: B-But TC and I were practicing hitting dingers earlier.
Hughes: That wasn’t even TC. You were playing Tee Ball and you put a stuffed teddy bear on the mound. And this was a week ago when you were suppose to be in LF.
/Nunez looks at stuffed bear on the couch
Nunez: YOU LIED TO ME!!!!!!!!! /Nunez runs away crying
/two hours later, Nunez walks back in with a video tape
Nunez: Alright, Phil, watch this.
/Nunez puts tape in and begins playing it
Hughes: What’s this?
Nunez: It’s me hitting home runs. After MLB sees this, they’ll have to put me in the Home Run Derby.
Hughes: Well first off, this is at the stadium where the Little League World Series is played. And secondly, this isn’t you hitting homers, it’s you running on the field in a llama costume
Meanwhile, in South Williamsport:
Groundskeeper: Mike, does this damage to my field look like it was done by a Llama?
Mike Longstreth, Proprietor of Lazy Meadows Alpacas in (where else) Hughesville, PA: No, but strangely, we are missing a stuffed Alpaca that was in front of our gift shop. It seemed to have gone missing about the time a guy came in talking to a teddy bear."Don't Forget Me! Eduardo Nunez!"
/running out onto the field naked with " I No Subject
Nunez/: Tried that, MFY security is reeeeeeaaaaalllly strong.I thought I was one of the original posse too but I don't know what any of you look like
/runs away crying like Nunez, before tripping over my own feetNo Subject
Nunez: See, Phil. I’m taking over this blog. Hahahahaha.
Hughes: No, Eduardo, you’re just on Club Penguin again.
/Sir Lawrence Olivier reads this and cries
Nunez: I know how you feel, TC. But we’re in this together
Sir Lawrence Olivier: WHO ARE YOU?
Nunez: Professional baseball player Eduardo Nunez, and you?
Olivier: Dead actor Sir Lawrence Olivier.
/they shake hands
Nunez: Nice to meet you, wait did you say dead?
/Nunez wakes up
Nunez: AHHHH. Oh man, TC, I had the weirdest dream? TC?
/Nunez is naked on a park bench
/new Park Ranger Steve sees Nunez naked on the park bench
/new Park Ranger Steve walks away
/someone walkie talkies to Steve
Ranger: Hey Steve, we have complaints that there’s a naked man near the fountain, can you check on that?
Steve: I makes buzzing sound with mouth can’t buzz hear buzz you, you’re buzz breaking buzz up
/Steve runs away, Nunez pops out of bush
/Steve runs screaming in the other direction
Nunez: I’ll do it for free!
Hughes: You can’t fly a plane, nor should you learn how.
Nunez: I flew one yesterday!
Hughes: You were babysitting, the plane was a spoon of spinach puree, and you missed the baby’s mouth!
Nunez: YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHIIIIING! /runs away crying with arms out like a plane
/two hours later, Hughes sits on couch checking his email when he hears a rumbling outside
Hughes: What the…
/he goes outside to check and sees a helicopter wobbily moving down the street two feet off the ground, Nunez pops out
Nunez: PHIL I DID IT
Hughes: Where did you get a helicopter from?!?
Nunez: I…found it…
Hughes: Okay, now onto the more important question….are the cops gonna be here soon?
/sirens heard in the distance
Nunez: Gotta go….see you at Target Field. Tell TC I said hi.
/Hughes watch Nunez awkwardly pilot the helicopter and crash it into someone’s roof.
Steve: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
/Nunez gets back in the air and keeps going
/Hughes goes up to Steve and tries to comfort him
Hughes: You alright?
Steve: Sigh. Yeah, I’m fine, but the house isn’t. Why does Eduardo’s nonsense always affect me?
Hughes: It’s because he considers you a friend. He tried to throw a surprise birthday party for a friend in New York and decided inside the apartment was the right place to set off fireworks.
Narrator: And so ends the saga of Eduardo Nunez....... Or does it?
To be continued.