FanPost

George Steinbrenner to God: "My Kids Signed Chris Capuano - Not Jon Lester?"

"Bring it up a little," said God as he tapped his spikes with his bat and took a practice swing. "What do 'ya think about the Yankees signing Chris Capuano instead of Jon Lester?" Bob Feller made a face and went into his windup. The late Cleveland Indians Hall of Fame pitcher caught the Lord looking with a 101 MPH heater low and away.

"Damn Bob, you made me feel like Luke Appling."

boonotzsports-bob-feller
"I'll tell you what I think," said the man in a Yankees warmup suit and shades sitting behind home plate. It was late Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. "I think it sucks. If I were alive you'd bet your sweet ass I would've had Jon Lester in pinstripes by Thanksgiving and Chris Capuano throwing batting practice to my Triple A kids in Tampa." george steinbrenner
Jon Lester

God heard Steinbrenner but was too locked in trying to make solid contact on Feller's next pitch. In it came -- a sharp curve -- and God popped up to second. "I got it!" said Nellie Fox who made the catch. The master of the universe blew a bubble, hopped over the railing and sat down next to the legendary former Yankees owner.

"My sons Hal and Hank are balling up the damn works down there," Steinbrenner said with a scowl. "I left them the jewel of pro sports and they're treating it like a damn hedge fund!"

God nodded in sympathy. "Hal doesn't have the drive to keep them on top like you did, that's for sure."

God

"Jesus Christ," said George. As soon as the words came out, Jesus popped up in the seat between them.

"Son," said God. "You gotta stop doing that."

"Sorry father, I thought I heard my name. I'll just go out to left and shag some flies."

"Go ahead Boss," said God.

"Yeah, as I was saying. My boys are too focused on the bottom line and not on winning a championship. You remember how I loved sticking it to the Red Sox -- getting Wade Boggs and then Roger Clemens. I'm getting an erection just thinking about it!" Steinbrenner began talking a mile a minute. "If Theo Epstein says he was ready to soak himself in urine to get Jon Lester then I gotta put a lot of credence into that. That's one helluva compliment."

God uncomfortably pulled on the collar of his long white robe.

Steinbrenner continued. "And who did my kids get to replace Jeter? Troy Tulowitzki? Hanley Ramirez? No. Some joker named Didi who can't his way out of a paper bag. Third base? A-Rod's gonna suck another $21 million out of us and he can't even play the field. Twenty-one mil for a DH. Now take this Max Scherzer fella. Finished the season 18–5 with a 3.19 ERA and a 1.175 WHIP. Pitches a career-high 220 1⁄3 innings and strikes out a career-high 252. Wins 18. I know his agent's a windbag but I think Scherzer's worth it.

Max Scherzer

What good is a .500 team playing in front of 23,000? I'd rather spend the cash and win a title." Boss George squinted at William Shakespeare racing down a line drive in center. "I'll tell 'ya, that poet kid could really chase 'em down. Shame they didn't play ball back then. He reminds me of a guy I had who just loved playing football too much -- Deion Sanders..."

Deion Sanders

"But last year they got Masahiro Tanaka," said God.

"Great pickup. But he's got a bum elbow. They thought they could get away with some rehab but that never works. Do the TJ on him and bring him back as good as new." Steinbrenner got angrier with each word. "But no, now he'll be lucky to make it past Memorial Day. And Sabathia's got that bad knee on top of losing his stuff. Nova - - who knows how good he'll be after his elbow operation? I'll tell 'ya, I may have pulled the trigger too often but Hal and Hank don't do it enough. They're flushing my pride and joy down the crapper!"

"OK, calm down George. It can't be all that bad."

The Boss turned beat red. "Don't tell me to calm down God -- you're fired!"

The Lord gently smiled and gently patted Steinbrenner on the shoulder. "And who'll replace me? Billy Martin?"

George Steinbrenner with Billy Martin



FanPosts are user-created content and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Pinstripe Alley writing staff or SB Nation.