I woke up at the bottom of an empty pool. I usually wake up at home, in a bed, but this morning was different. The night before I’d visited a nightclub in Florida, where a wild man who could have used a visit to a tanning salon cornered me in the women’s bathroom and dowsed me over the head with a Gatorade bucket full of gummy lozenges. "There’s your steroids!" he yelled. Someone was drying their hands with that machine that dries your hands for you when it senses that your hands are there. I didn’t know who the steroids were for, but I swallowed them all just to be safe.
The pool belonged to a house that was in the shape of a mansion. I walked down the long drive. At the bottom, a car pulled up beside me. The driver was a man with a big head, with big black hair slicked back. The man barked a question at me. I asked him who he was. He pointed at gold gates further down the drive. Splayed across the gates in fancy lettering—Verdana—was the name ‘Joe Tacopina.’
"Is that really your name?" I asked.
He rearranged his face into a sneer and drove off. And I was left wondering—who is Joe Tacopina?
Get to Know Joe Tacopina
Stamford, Connecticut’s Own Joe Tacopina
When Joe is cutting together his sizzle reel for WWE management, this is the GIF he’ll finish it off with.
1. He is wearing an ‘Evil Empire’ shirt.
2. Why did the graphics team feel the need to square bracket his family name? "Yeah, he goes by Joseph and only by Joseph, but we’ll let you know his surname just in case you were wondering."
Joe Tacopina Hates Plasmas
AND I HATE THAT THIS TELEVISION SCREEN SHOWS EVIDENCE THAT GOES AGAINST MY CASE DAMN GRRRRRRRRRRRRAGH
The World Reacts to Joe Tacopina
One Inch Nod
Man, it was going to be such a great counter point though. "Then how do you like thi—wait, wait, I’ve got nothing."
Oh God Smile
It’s like his life’s mission is to never smile and he’s embarrassed that he just sort of did.
The Today Sessions
Okay, So All of What You Just Said Was B.S.
Having reviewed the evidence, my advice to Alex Rodriguez: run.
Consider yourselves judged.