Who is Joe Tacopina?

Mario Carlini / Iguana Press

Our GIF correspondents risk life and limb to investigate A-Rod's mysterious—read: amazing—attorney.

I woke up at the bottom of an empty pool. I usually wake up at home, in a bed, but this morning was different. The night before I’d visited a nightclub in Florida, where a wild man who could have used a visit to a tanning salon cornered me in the women’s bathroom and dowsed me over the head with a Gatorade bucket full of gummy lozenges. "There’s your steroids!" he yelled. Someone was drying their hands with that machine that dries your hands for you when it senses that your hands are there. I didn’t know who the steroids were for, but I swallowed them all just to be safe.

The pool belonged to a house that was in the shape of a mansion. I walked down the long drive. At the bottom, a car pulled up beside me. The driver was a man with a big head, with big black hair slicked back. The man barked a question at me. I asked him who he was. He pointed at gold gates further down the drive. Splayed across the gates in fancy lettering—Verdana—was the name ‘Joe Tacopina.’

"Is that really your name?" I asked.

He rearranged his face into a sneer and drove off. And I was left wondering—who is Joe Tacopina?

Get to Know Joe Tacopina

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Stamford, Connecticut’s Own Joe Tacopina

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When Joe is cutting together his sizzle reel for WWE management, this is the GIF he’ll finish it off with.

Chill Tacopina

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Two observations:

1. He is wearing an ‘Evil Empire’ shirt.

2. Why did the graphics team feel the need to square bracket his family name? "Yeah, he goes by Joseph and only by Joseph, but we’ll let you know his surname just in case you were wondering."

Joe Tacopina Hates Plasmas

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AND I HATE THAT THIS TELEVISION SCREEN SHOWS EVIDENCE THAT GOES AGAINST MY CASE DAMN GRRRRRRRRRRRRAGH

The World Reacts to Joe Tacopina

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One Inch Nod

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Oh Yeah?

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Man, it was going to be such a great counter point though. "Then how do you like thi—wait, wait, I’ve got nothing."

Zoom Tacopina

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woah

The Menace

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Oh God Smile

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It’s like his life’s mission is to never smile and he’s embarrassed that he just sort of did.

The Today Sessions

Rage

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Okay, So All of What You Just Said Was B.S.

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Having reviewed the evidence, my advice to Alex Rodriguez: run.

Twitter of GIFs. More GIFs.

Consider yourselves judged.

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