September 12th. Thank God for the GIFs which have helped wash away the pain of blown saves and defensive ineptitude. I’m working long hours now, six in the afternoon to six in the morning. Sometimes even eight in the morning, six days a week. Sometimes seven days a week. It's a long hustle but it keeps me real busy. I can make five, ten GIFs a day. Sometimes even more when I bring my laptop to class. All the GIFs come out best then—athletes tripping over, dazzling displays of incompetence, bizarre sitcom-like reactions... Someday good connection speeds will come and feed all these GIFs into the internet. I go all over. I upload GIFs to blogs, Twitter, Facebook, Flickr. I don’t care. Don’t make no difference to me. It does to some. Some won't even save GIFs. Don’t make no difference to me.
Not So Lazy Now
Oh Robbie, I see how it is now. So when your life is endangered by a blind, surging Mark Reynolds, you’ll get your hustle on. But when we ask you to run hard to beat out a grounder? Not a chance. CANCEL ALL EXTENSION PLANS, RANDY.
Great Moments in Yankees History 2
Real talk: this would have been a terrific fake catch. If the ball had dribbled over the wall but Johnny still pretended he’d caught it, I’m not sure anybody would have called him on it.
80 Tools Series: 80 Team Chemistry
It’s a true fact that this has been GIF’d before, but that was in the dark ages of GIFs, when it was okay for GIFs to be the size of a postage stamp and have only five colors. I’ll not stand for that. Here, then, I present you with a redux of the classic "Damn It Astros," full-sized and better than ever. Always underappreciated: Matt Downs' (#16) suicide dive.
Utility GIF: Hold On, I’m Writing This Down (feat. Andy McCullough)
This one is a personal favorite. It may be the case that only I will ever use it, but that’s fine. My regular response to someone stating the obvious is, "Hold on, I’m writing this down." That line’s not mine; I stole it. It’s sarcasm, of course—the idea being that the person is dropping such revolutionary knowledge that it must be documented lest it be lost to the winds. Consider some pearls of wisdom bagpiped at me by WCBS’ John Sterling just yesterday:
John Sterling: The Yankees are in a playoff race.
Slow down, I’m writing as fast as I can.
John Sterling: If you don’t get on base, you can’t score.
Hold on, you’re saying that if the team’s on-base percentage is .000, they won’t score any runs?
You get the idea, I’m sure.
In our last installment we showcased some veteran celebrations; this time, we showcase some veteran frustration.
Shock and Awe
Attention Chris Stewart: in ninety-seven games, you have amassed a stunning 0.2 wins above replacement. That’s not even one win! Therefore, next time we want your opinion on the merits of cut-off plays, we’ll be sure to ask. I promise I’ll telegraph my inquiry minutes ahead so you can set up your response in time, though you might still whiff on something you know is coming. Meanwhile, in thirty-one games Alex Rodriguez—the man you deemed fit to show up before the entire nation; nay, the world—has managed 1 win above replacement, pieced together in but a third of the playing time you've had!
Look at him, turning and looking; willing the camera into focus. To call him a paragon is to severely undercut his character. No—we are barely fit to gaze at his image.
You’ll forgive me if I squirt fact at you for just a moment: since his return, Alex Rodriguez leads the team in wRC+ (that’s World Rally Championship, for those of you not familiar with cyber numbers) and weighted on-base percentage. If I told you he’s been the team’s second-best hitter since his return I’d be lying; in fact, he’s been the team’s best hitter since his return, and I don’t care who knows it. Sure, Alfonso Soriano’s performance has been more bombastic than Rodriguez’s, but do not be fooled. Only one man can carry a team, and that man is Alex Rodriguez.
A-Rod’s so good, he can hit anything
Inside/outside, he can hit anything
Oh but no one,
No one makes as much bank as he
AND THEY SAY THAT A HERO CAN SAVE US
I'M NOT GONNA STAND HERE AND WAIT
I'LL SADDLE UP ON THE BACK OF THE CENTAUR
WATCH AS WE GALLOP AWAY