(Author's note: now out for the foreseeable future with a fractured hand, let us remember what may very well be the last moment of greatness from Jayson Nix in 2013. Bow head, tip cap, pour out forty)
August 19th 12:30 PM - Two men sit outside at a bistro in lower Manhattan. One man, Jayson Nix, just looks like a ballplayer. He does something every game. The other man looks like an unassuming middle-school teacher but is also a professional ballplayer, Chris Stewart. They are enjoying some vittles as they discuss the following day's affairs.
Chris Stewart: This is rough. We can barely afford to lose any games, and we're stuck with a doubleheader tomorrow. A lot of our best hitters are only going to be able to start one of the two games. I hope we'll be able to manage at least a split.
Jayson Nix: You worry too much, Christopher. We're sure to take both games. You see, while you've been sitting here worrying and eating your grilled cheese and goldfish crackers, I have been hatching a plan.
Stewart: A plan? What kind of plan? Your plans always end up getting us tangled up in a series of wacky hijinks that I don't care for!
Nix: Don't worry, this one's a winner. You know that thing we never do? Where you hit the ball so far into the outfield they give you an automatic run?
Stewart: A home run?
Nix: Yeah, that's it! We're both going to hit one of those tomorrow!
(Stewart spit-takes Hi-C everywhere)
Stewart: BOTH OF US!? Neither of us has hit one since June! I can barely muster a single, much less a homer. This is your most absurd scheme yet. We'd need a...
Nix: You know exactly what I'm thinking of.
(Nix smiles, Stewart nods his head approvingly. Both clasp hands together in an absurdly firm and dynamic handshake)
Both: TRAINING MONTAGE!
Cut to exciting footage of the two friends lifting massive weights, pulling trucks with their teeth, and most importantly, racing each other on the beach in shorts that are way, way too short. All footage is set to crappy 80's music and mostly in slow motion.
Nix: I think we're ready, bestest buddy.
Stewart: Hell yeah! The Blue Jays won't know what hit them!
August 20th 9:20 PM. With Chris Stewart having defied the laws of physics and man by hitting a vital three-run homer in Game 1 of the doubleheader, Jayson Nix now bats with the Yankees down 2-1 in the bottom of the seventh.
Stewart (using psychic link with Nix): You can do it, J-Nixy. This is the moment we trained four hours for. Show these ingrate fans just how clutch you are.
Mark Buehrle: I am definitely not giving up a home run to this loser.
Nix (shouting): NIIIIIIIIIIX!
(Nix hits the incoming pitch from Buehrle so solidly that it registers on the Richter Scale. The ball soars majestically into the seats to tie the game at two. After rounding the bases, Stewart exuberantly greets his friend)
Stewart: I can't believe it! We really did it. All our hard work and belief in ourselves paid off.
Nix: It did, my old chum, It did. But I fear I must do more. You see...I sense I may not be able to help the team for much longer.
Stewart: That can't be...we have so many games left to play! How can you be sure?
Nix: I can feel it deep in my...guts. I must win this game tonight, before I am most surely felled by dark forces tomorrow. I will not go gently into that good night!
Stewart: Whatever you feel you must do, my dearest friend. You...will be missed.
(Stewart and Nix embrace in a hug that would totally bring tears to your eyes if you saw it)
Nix would indeed deliver the final blow to the Blue Jays that night, singling home the game-winning run in the bottom of the ninth. And, as he foresaw, he would have his hand fractured the very next day. But fear not, noble Yankees fan. His spirit and will to win shall be there with his team always, and his faithful friend Chris Stewart shall be sure to carry the torch in his absence.