Dear Randy Levine,
I am writing to you today to apply for the position of Assistant General Manager of the New York Yankees
. I realize that Hank and Hal own the team, but it’s very clear who has been pulling the strings down there in the Bronx. I know you’ve been itching to get rid of Brian Cashman for a number of years now and run the team yourself, but Cash doesn’t appear to be going anywhere. I figured at the very least you’d like to have a man in the GM’s office that could be groomed to take over one day.
While I do not have experience in professional baseball, I have been working in the world of health insurance for a number of years now. As a result I have become quite adept at doing the impossible with little or no support for constituents who are unhappy whatever the result. I do have prior management and coaching experience at the Babe Ruth level, however. Having dealt with the swirling hormones and prima donna antics of 13 year old pitchers, I feel quite capable of handling even the most juiced-up former future hall of famer, much less permanently pre-pubescent front office personnel from Boston.
I believe that you and I would work very well together as well. I am no pushover, and I am willing to speak my mind, but I am also used to being overruled by superiors who know less about my job than I do. Consequently I feel very capable of handling the ever changing front office dynamic in the Bronx.
I have great respect for sabermetrics as a tool for evaluating talent, particularly as an equalizer of production across many different varying criteria. At the same time, I believe that sabermetrics is very capable of misleading those who don’t have an eye for the game. I have that eye. I keep it tucked away in a special box that I take out for special occasions. As a result I am fine evaluator of talent.
Take the current team you are fielding. There are some very talented folks on the Yankee 9. Brett Gardner
can steal a home run, third base, and the bag of Crackerjacks from that brat who sits right behind the first base dugout with his finger in his nose. Ichiro Suzuki
slashes singles to right like a woodsman cutting a cord. Jeter is pure magic, but this season the magic has all been dark. This old/new guy Alfonso Soriano
is looking like a great pick-up this week; he kind of reminds me of the April edition of Vernon Wells
. I hope Alfonso works out for the better.
A-Rod I am not even going to start on. So many people have written opinions about him of late the real man has ceased to exist. I will point out, however, that you were instrumental in bringing him back after he opted out of his previous contract. Keep this in mind when you lob that $200M grenade at Robinson Cano
this off-season, okay pal?
Andy Pettite and C.C. Sabathia have seen better days, but both remain gamers that most any team would be happy to have in their lineup, and Hiroki Kuroda
is as lights out as they come. Mariano Rivera
, of course, is a legend, but he will ride off into the sunset at the end of the year. David Robertson
looks like he’s set to take over, but I am sure you have other plans (I hear Jose Valverde
is still available). He beat us one year, right?
Look, the fact is that I am a life-long Yankee fan who has tremendous respect for the history of the Yankees, as well as for the game itself. I’ve watched you manipulate player personnel decisions from the background for years, when you could. The past few years you’ve had much more say, and, well, look at the results. Someone has to save this team, and it might as well be me. You could be a hero by hiring me and saving the team from your tendency to deal first and think later. I realize by now that you’ll likely never hire me now, but someone needed to tell you the truth.
All things considered, Brian Cashman has done a hell of a job.