For the purpose of this plea I'm making, I will have the capacity to communicate with Hiroki Kuroda directly despite only knowing about three words in Japanese. It's just easier that way. Shut up.
Hey there HIROK, how's it going? I can call you HIROK, right? No? I suppose that's not the best way to start off this conversation, then. But seriously, another amazing performance out there last night, you had the Angels looking downright silly out there with the nasty stuff you were dealing. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: your teammates barely scored any runs for you again. For about the thirtieth time in your Yankees career. I'm sure it must be frustrating, and it may make you think you would be better off playing somewhere else next year, or maybe not at all. You have plenty of money, why not go off and relax on a beach somewhere? Or go fishing? But you just can't leave us hanging, not when we need you more than ever!
The team has so many question marks regarding the rest of the pitching staff for 2014. Will CC Sabathia have a bounceback season? Is Ivan Nova for real? Will Michael Pineda be healthy? Was Phil Hughes signed away by a franchise with some weird affinity for meatballs? It's bad enough Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera will likely retire, the team can't afford to have you walk away for nothing. Besides, you've been so much fun to watch this year. Any excitement the fans have for 2014 would certainly be bolstered by getting to watch your masterwork every five days.
Also, the team will likely be even older next year! Now, I know most players would assume that's a bad thing, but you're no spring chicken yourself. What player of your age and stature wants some snot-nosed kids running around the clubhouse? With the Yankees you can maintain your quiet life of dignity, with breaks for tea as you discuss dusty old stories from your playing days in Japan with Ichiro Suzuki or watch The Price is Right with Derek Jeter. That sounds like a great way to spend the final days of your playing career!
And lets be honest, the lack of run support isn't all bad. Consider it the ultimate challenge for a pitcher of your caliber. Walking out there to the mound knowing that allowing a single run could mean that you'll be on the hook for the loss that night. It must be truly exciting! Or really annoying. But either way, it sure does raise the stakes! And you're sure to get more of that next year, especially if The Stein Boys decide to completely lose their marbles and not re-sign Robinson Cano. Alright!
Okay, so maybe there aren't a ton of compelling reasons to come back next year, considering what the state of the franchise may be. But it's still playing in New York, and it's always more exciting to be a great player (A-Rods excluded) playing for the Yankees. But mostly, we just really want to see you be amazing in pinstripes again next season, So don't retire, or go back to Los Angeles, or heaven forbid Boston, come back to the Bronx. We promise you'll have a good time..sort of. Don't go, Hiroki!