Things haven't gone exactly as planned this year for your old New York Yankees. I'm trying to figure out who we even have to put on the field. Let's do a roll call. Just say here after I call your name. Gardy.
Why does he call you Sarge?
First it was Andy, then it was Petty, then Tom Petty, then just Tom, then Major Tom, Major General, then General, and after a couple of bad starts, he busted me down to Sarge.
Pipe down you two. Robbie?
Well that's a problem. We can't have two Robbies. Cano, you're still Robbie. Mr. Robertson, you are now Davey.
What about me?
That little solution just created another problem. We can't have two Daveys. You guys know I run a pretty tight ship. Adams, you are now Artie. It's short for Artist. Get it K-Long?
The irony of calling somebody an artist when they can't even draw a walk is not lost on me, Skip.
Heyo. Okay, who's next? Jetes?
He's not here.
Nixy? What are you still doing here?
I'm a professional ballplayer. Ask John Sterling.
Fine. So where's Jetes?
He's been cleared for baseball related activities.
Baseball related activities? What does that even mean? He can eat a hot dog and sing Take Me Out to the Ball Game? Baseball related activities. Gimme a break. Let me know when he's cleared for actual baseball activities.
Travy Haffy. You still here?
Got to say I did not see that coming. Is Tex here? I could have sworn I just saw him. Tex?
He's not here.
Oh man. We are going to miss him. Who are you?
From now on you are Z.
Moving along, is Ichi here?
Good. Where's Scratchy? Get it? Ichi and Scratchy. I know. We don't have a...wait a second. Who are you?
I'm Lyle Overbay. I've been in the big leagues for 13 years. I've made around 1200 starts at first base in my career, and I've been here literally the entire season.
Lyle? You don't look like much of a Lyle to me. Your name is Scratchy now, and you're going to be Ichi's platoon partner. Ichi and Scratchy in right field. Can't wait to see what hijinks you two get up to.
We both hit left-handed, sir.
Too late, it's in the binder.
I've never played the outfield before.
What part of it's in the binder did you not understand? Can't go back now. Things are looking up, boys. Mo? You here?
All right. A-Rod?
Pineda? Anybody seen Pineda?
What about Youk? Is Youk here?
Grandy? Please tell me Grandy is here.
We could be in for a long summer, boys.